My 50th post - what BPD means to me

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, this is my 50th post and therefore the secrets of the HIDDEN BOARDS will be revealed to me! I obviously have nothing on some posters who are up in the range of 5000 but I still surprised that I am still on the board; I thought I would be long gone and moved on by now. But the board seems to really help and has kept me from picking up the phone many times.

I am going to share two emails that she sent me. It is hard to believe they are from the same person that I loved and have spend so much time on this board thinking about. This is what BPD has meant to me; receiving emails and texts like this from the person I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Please note that my family is very kind, has no history of mental illness. The reference to my mother and radiation is that she is a breast cancer survivor.

Email 1: You don't need a therapist, you need a soul. Your gene pool is a testament to your psychotic state. Your aunts and uncles are all literally delusional, your brother, like you, is a villainous pyscho that tramples thoughtlessly through human lives, your sister uses religion to cope with reality, your mother has completely lost touch with reality from hallucinogens, prescription drugs, and heavy radiation, and your father is an addict controlled by his incoherent fixations. You are a shy nerd that never developed normal abilities to socialize and empathize or communicate with humans. It's what made you a loveless scared lover and a self absorbed angry vain triathlete that has never noticed any of the important things about the sport. You might go faster. But in the big picture you never win.

Email 2: You will live and then you will die. You will bring no meaning to anyone or anything. No one will ever be loved by you. And I pray no one other than me will ever suffer from truly loving you. A shell. A loveless actor.

Harsh. I wonder if she has shown these types of things to her therapist…doubt it. But hey, she’s a damn good writer.

[toliveistofly]

So, this is my 50th post and therefore the secrets of the HIDDEN BOARDS will be revealed to me! I obviously have nothing on some posters who are up in the range of 5000 but I still surprised that I am still on the board; I thought I would be long gone and moved on by now. But the board seems to really help and has kept me from picking up the phone many times.

I am going to share two emails that she sent me. It is hard to believe they are from the same person that I loved and have spend so much time on this board thinking about. This is what BPD has meant to me; receiving emails and texts like this from the person I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Please note that my family is very kind, has no history of mental illness. The reference to my mother and radiation is that she is a breast cancer survivor.

Email 1: You don't need a therapist, you need a soul. Your gene pool is a testament to your psychotic state. Your aunts and uncles are all literally delusional, your brother, like you, is a villainous pyscho that tramples thoughtlessly through human lives, your sister uses religion to cope with reality, your mother has completely lost touch with reality from hallucinogens, prescription drugs, and heavy radiation, and your father is an addict controlled by his incoherent fixations. You are a shy nerd that never developed normal abilities to socialize and empathize or communicate with humans. It's what made you a loveless scared lover and a self absorbed angry vain triathlete that has never noticed any of the important things about the sport. You might go faster. But in the big picture you never win.

Email 2: You will live and then you will die. You will bring no meaning to anyone or anything. No one will ever be loved by you. And I pray no one other than me will ever suffer from truly loving you. A shell. A loveless actor.

Harsh. I wonder if she has shown these types of things to her therapist…doubt it. But hey, she’s a damn good writer.

[Welshhibby]

When anyone says anything bad about you, they are talking about themselves... .  its just projected onto you my friend.

Anyone who was happy and stable wouldn't be nasty to anyone else... .  why would they ?   

[MaybeSo]

Congrats on 50!

There's a lot of projection in these relationships... .  usually from both sides.  Maybe we 'non's just do it a bit differently... sometimes we are projecting what we WISH a person would be and not what they really are.  But, it's still projection, postive or negative.  These r/s thrive on projections.

My ex and I are both good writers and well-educated people... .  and in the worst parts of our tortured relationship / 'love affair'... .  we both threw all sorts of analyical barbs at one another in writing. Basically, he was a narcissistic pr** and I was the overly emotional ubiquitious 'psycho gf'.  This is pretty standard stuff, you see one version or another of this 'dance' on these boards all the time.

Yes, we both exchanged a lot of danming analyses of one another.  So much easier to point a finger than looking in the mirror!  Especially for us wordy types.  We make a person out to be the answer to our prayers, or, they are the devil from the depths of hell.  Projections.  

The flip side of the scathing analysis is of course, I have reams of over the top grandiose stuff about how wonderful I am, too.   You probably were the recipient of some lovely stuff from her, too,  right?  That was his postive projection directed at me... .  he thought I was going to save him, I was the one, like in the Matrix.  ya, right. All fantasy land. I'm not the one. Neither are you.  We only sit on a pedestal for a little while before the fall from grace.   Best not to be on the pedestal at all.  

So... .  I learned that unhealthy is unhealthy, even when it's well-educated.

And, what I learned is I have a choice. I choose to not particiapte in this kind of dance anymore.    

How about you?  

[FindingMe2011]

   I obviously have nothing on some posters who are up in the range of 5000 but Im still surprised that I am still on the board; I thought I would be long gone and moved on by now.   

I once thought, I would be gone in 100 posts... .  Then I was informed, and then learned, there is no finish line. Mental health is something that should be monitored consistently, until our last breath.

   I am going to share two emails that she sent me.   

Im actually more interested in the emails, or whatever it was, that came from you , in all of this. You are being so careful to paint a picture, as if you are just some random victim of BPD, and she is just sending you emails like this, out of nowhere. The first sentence of what you are calling the first email, implies that she is answering a prior statement from you. So it seems, that you have more of a part in this, than you are telling. It may be what you need to do at this time, I understand, and have been here myself... .  Toli, you are here on the leaving board, looking to detach. Hopefully sooner than later, you will decide to put down the sword. The both of you are very hurt, and pouring salt in the wounds, and someone needs to stop the conflict. It takes 2 to dance, and engagement is only going to prolong the detachment, and if detachment is your objective, what steps are you making to get this done?... .  

   Harsh. I wonder if she has shown these types of things to her therapist…doubt it. But hey, she’s a damn good writer.   

    Had these interactions also, and damn did they sting, because I couldnt deny, there was a little truth to them. Just as the messages, I made sure, she heard. Nobody is going to be a winner, and whatever satisfaction you feel, will be short lived, and most likely have you feeling worse about yourself. Sometimes the kind thing to do, is to just walk away... .  I wish you well, PEACE   

[toliveistofly]

Yeah, I posted some of the wonderfully kind emails a few weeks ago. She covered both ends of the spectrum.

I should have been clearer about what I was posting: these are the emails from her that I saved and use when I am feeling like contacting her; I pull these out and read them and it reminds me why I got out in the first place.

On to the boards where I get to evaluate myself!

[benny2]

I went through all that about a month ago when things really started going down. I was angry. Told him that is was much easier hating him than loving him, and in truth it was, his reply, of course very childish, was, Although its easy to hate you too ha ha. He would become very childish when he was angry. I sat in amazement the first time I witnessed it. I could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. I honestly thought he had a spit personality. Anyways, I am over the anger part, and I think I am in the feeling sorry for myself stage. It goes in stages and you will get over the angry part. For me that part was easy, letting go of the hopes and dreams are the hardest.

[id-crisis]

Mine was a helluva wordsmith and I am quite the opposite in that regard especially when it comes to emotive stuff - and I'd never been in a relationship with a man who was so verbally "skilled"... .  and well, verbal. I think it was one of his qualities that initially hooked me, I found him fascinating.

Until I started receiving A4 sized assassinations! He could've given James Herbert a run for his money and probably won. 

[KellyO]

I feel quite sorry for my exBf for the e-mails HE got from me. Because I'm the one with skillz when it comes to writing. I'm much better writer than speaker (of course, this is with my own language, my Engrish makes me write like a 10 years old and I often feel very stupid, I know how much better I am than this). He did not let me speak my mind. He once even admitted it: he does anything to make me shut up when I bring up things he does not want to hear. So, I wrote e-mails! And letters! Some were nicer than others, but I'm co-dependent, and when I wrote my long suffocated mind up it could be poison. Poison with smile and good intentions. Poison anyway. I really hurt him sometimes. I feel bad about it. Sometimes I was just nasty and mean. I feel bad about every single e-mail. And shamed. I don't want to be a person who does stuff like that.

[FindingMe2011]

I feel quite sorry for my exBf for the e-mails HE got from me. Because I'm the one with skillz when it comes to writing. I'm much better writer than speaker (of course, this is with my own language, my Engrish makes me write like a 10 years old and I often feel very stupid, I know how much better I am than this). He did not let me speak my mind. He once even admitted it: he does anything to make me shut up when I bring up things he does not want to hear. So, I wrote e-mails! And letters! Some were nicer than others, but I'm co-dependent, and when I wrote my long suffocated mind up it could be poison. Poison with smile and good intentions. Poison anyway. I really hurt him sometimes. I feel bad about it. Sometimes I was just nasty and mean. I feel bad about every single e-mail. And shamed. I don't want to be a person who does stuff like that.

   Ta-hol,

   For a second language, you do quite well... .  When we enter a dysfunctional r/s, we have two options, 1) to walk away before we become too vested. (our DPD traits, does not allow this) 2) join in the dysfunction... .  Any dysfunctional r/s, always has one of the partners, walking in front of, or behind the other. There is very rarely, a level playing ground, and both are always struggling, for top position. These type r/s', not only bring out our best, but our very worst also, much in what you witnessed, from your ex partner... .  Anger= Pain inside of you, that you have no idea how to process, in a healthy way, and is released via projection, over and over and over. Depression= Anger turned inwards. Two important emotions needed to process things, in a healthy way. Yet when used incorrectly, they can become very self defeating. We can only learn lessons from our mistakes, allowing feelings/emotions to cloud the water, will keep us from seeing the lesson... .  I always felt my ex was playing a game. I later learned, I entered the game willingly... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[FindingMe2011]

Yeah, I posted some of the wonderfully kind emails a few weeks ago. She covered both ends of the spectrum.

I should have been clearer about what I was posting: these are the emails from her that I saved and use when I am feeling like contacting her; I pull these out and read them and it reminds me why I got out in the first place.

On to the boards where I get to evaluate myself!

Many use their anger in the beginning, I did. It was my only means, at the time, to create the space I needed. The problem with this, is that it is unsustainable, and just lead to, more shame and guilt. Which is what, is at the core of DPD traits. So what gave me temporary satisfaction, quickly came back on me twice as hard, and only put myself deeper in the hole. When we create the space, it forces us, to look at what is left, ourselves.... .  I wish you well, PEACE 

[almost789]

Hi Toliveistofly,

Prior to understanding BPD a bit more myself, when I would get these confilicting accusations of me thinking "where in the heck does that come from?" That's you, not me! I'd pull up all the facts (like in your case facts that you had a normal family history) I would pull the facts out and try to show him, not true. When he'd see the facts weren't congruent with his reality. He'd lose it. Dissapear and go silent. It wasn't until I found an understanding that this is a psycological phenomenon that is integral to BPD that I was able to let it go and stop trying to argue to get him to see the "real" reality. Understand that he's suffering from a disorder and not intentionally trying to blame me for anything. It helped me to finally stop fighting back with him trying to argue that what he was feeling and saying was not true. Projection is part of the disorder. Anyone involved with a BPD will be sucseptible to being blamed for all sorts of stuff that is just not true.

Oh, and congrats on 50 posts! I agree, it does help to keep us from getting more entangled with our BPD's  when we are trying to detach.

[turtle]

Hi toliveistofly!

Well... .  she covered it all in those emails, didn't she?  She left out the dog though. 

When we look back at things like this, it's astonishing to think that we ever "loved" someone who was so willing to cut us to the core like this.  As the others have said, it's a lot of projection, but behind all of that is the willingness to hurt you. 

I'm glad you pull them out and read them.  It's never a bad thing to be reminded that you don't have to be treated that way!

And as far as being surprised that you're still here after 50 posts?  Be proud that you're hanging in there and learning about YOU.  That's where the freedom is!

turtle

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hello Toliveistofly,  Like other posters, the first thing that came to my mind when I read her emails was mainly projection.  I would take it with a grain of salt.  It's obvious she was trying to inflict harm; however, she was most likely projecting the aspects about herself that she doesn't like onto you. 

After backing away from my ex, I'm feeling a sense of relief from not taking on her projections: shame, anger, and pain.  I still have a lot of my own hurt, anger, and sadness to deal with, but it is manageable.  Don't take on her stuff, but at the same time, be open to change the parts of yourself that you are responsible for.  None of us were saints in these relationships, to my knowledge.

[Kelli Cornett]

Can you honestly sit there and think this relationship just "happened" to you?

I don't think what she was doing was projection. I think some of those things were probably true and you deep down somewhere know it but have an issue with thinking your perfect.

I know I had the same issues. And while my ex BPDs emails were very nasty and trash at times there was a grain of truth to them.

It took me a really long time to realize but it helping me let go some of the anger I have towards here. Though I am still upset.

[KellyO]

I think some of those things were probably true and you deep down somewhere know it but have an issue with thinking your perfect.

This sounds so familiar... .  like I have heard it 100 times.

[Clearmind]

So, this is my 50th post and therefore the secrets of the HIDDEN BOARDS will be revealed to me!

Awww now that is cute! You have graduated - Congratulations toliveistofly!

Personal Inventory I do believe is next   However before you head over there - here is a handy link: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

[Phoenix.Rising]

I think some of those things were probably true and you deep down somewhere know it but have an issue with thinking your perfect.

I'm not sure if you're responding to me or the original poster.  Either way, no doubt in my mind that I am not perfect, nor would I want to be.  I definitely played a part in the dysfunction in my relationship, and I believe some of the harmful things my ex said about me were/are accurate, at least to a degree. I also realize she has a tendency to distort facts as well as blow things out of proportion.

And, yes, she would project her massive shame and pain onto me, and I don't have to take on that mess today.  I can feel the difference just not being in her presence.  She's carrying a lot of pain.  I'm carrying pain as well, but I'm also actively pursuing solutions to my problems.  She doesn't want any help.