I sent my exBPD a note to tell her to stop smearing me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I remember replying when you made the thread asking for opinions on whether  you should send this letter or not. From experience with an ongoing, major smear campaign & education, i was opposed.  Many times i take the suggestion of writing out what i WANT to say to my ex, without doing so.  At this point, your ex is deaf, with no conscience for regret or accountability... isnt that what you really want? Her to acknowledge a semblance of responsibility?  Assuming so, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.  Ppl are not "giving up" on closure from one whos left them trashed to be honorable or anything.  Its just some of the strongest urges to rescue and understand remain. 

I am not judging you, diana.  Just agree with others that you may need to come to terms & radically accept the various phases of mourning your relationship.  Denial is TOUGH, I know... .  embrace your anger when it comes too, but try to operate independently from any of her words or actions.  Direct or indirect.  You are no longer in a RS with this woman any longer.  Sometimes its hard to accept this isnt a phase.  Very, very difficult when all the therapy and reading you do, parts of the BPD mind will always remain elusive to us hurring nons.

The sooner you work on detachment, strict NC, the more of yourself can live freely again. 

[Whitefang]

I remember replying when you made the thread asking for opinions on whether  you should send this letter or not. From experience with an ongoing, major smear campaign & education, i was opposed.  Many times i take the suggestion of writing out what i WANT to say to my ex, without doing so.  At this point, your ex is deaf, with no conscience for regret or accountability... isnt that what you really want? Her to acknowledge a semblance of responsibility?  Assuming so, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.  Ppl are not "giving up" on closure from one whos left them trashed to be honorable or anything.  Its just some of the strongest urges to rescue and understand remain. 

I am not judging you, diana.  Just agree with others that you may need to come to terms & radically accept the various phases of mourning your relationship.  Denial is TOUGH, I know... .  embrace your anger when it comes too, but try to operate independently from any of her words or actions.  Direct or indirect.  You are no longer in a RS with this woman any longer.  Sometimes its hard to accept this isnt a phase.  Very, very difficult when all the therapy and reading you do, parts of the BPD mind will always remain elusive to us hurring nons.

The sooner you work on detachment, strict NC, the more of yourself can live freely again. 

[gettingoverit]

I have to say that I agree with both of the ideas expressed by suzn and BentNotBroken. There has to be a balance there. Yes my "issues" and emotional immaturity did contribute to how completely messed our relationship was, however as BNB stated, lets honestly take a look at our BPD's for who and what they were. I may have issues, but I have never had such a destructive, life sucking, painful relationship as I did with this woman. Have I magically changed from all my other relationships? I seriously doubt it. What changed was the person I chose to be in relationship with. A person who has a mental illness, who can not sustain a committed relationship if we were the last two people on earth. I take full responsibility for staying after she proved time and time again she could not be trusted. That was my fault without a doubt. However I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time. I had never even heard of BPD. I made the assumption as I have done in all my past relationships, that my ex was a normal person with some issues just like everyone else. Normal couples have issues, they should be able to work them out. Is it wrong to want to stay and work on those issues instead of throwing in the towel at the first or tenth sign of trouble? There is a reason why the divorce rate is so high these days, no one wants to try and work at anything anymore. I was raised to believe that when you say something you mean it and do it. I committed to my ex and gave everything I could. Should I have thrown in the towel sooner? Yes I should have, but again if you have no idea what you are dealing with and you don't know that it will NEVER get better, how can you make a truly wise educated decision to walk away? I am not trying to make excuses for my decisions, but I do believe that saying all of us have these unresolved FOO issues is a bit unfair. Even the healthiest people make poor choices from time to time but learn from them.

In regards to resentment, I agree that it is a horrible waste of a great learning opportunity. I am not going to lie, I struggle with resentment everyday. I am working hard at forgiving my ex because I know ultimately forgiving her will allow me to look more honestly at myself. I can not blame her for everything. There were two people in this relationship. I can however say that the things that my ex did belong to her. She chose to do those things, she chose to behave that way, and as far as I am concerned I WAS a victim of her behaviour. Denying that just cheapens the pain I went through and puts blame on the one person who deserves it the least.