Should I tell parents of uexBPDbf about his mental illness?

[saucybearnaise]

This is my first time posting.  Last week, my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me.  We are both in our 30's.  Like a lot of other posters, I truly believed he was the man of my dreams.  I had never felt so strongly about anyone before, and it was fueled by his apparent mutual admiration of me and telling me that I was the love of his life.  Even though it was moving so fast, it felt so right - like "when you know, you know."  And I have never "known" before, and to feel so deeply in love with someone who seemed like my perfect match was intoxicating.

However, you know - he started devaluing and splitting me.  I went from being the woman of his dreams to being selfish, inconsiderate, incapable of really "feeling" him, not communicative enough for him, etc.  It turned into an emotional rollercoaster, but I was so blind with love, I thought we could work it out. We even started couples therapy.  But he broke up with me over the phone last week, rambling off a list of ways I had lacked sensitivity to his needs (how dare I  say that the takeout food he had paid for wasn't as good as it had been in the restaurant!).  I was devastated and shocked, and for the first two days, tried to get him back by telling him that he was right, I was selfish and inconsiderate, and I was so sorry I hadn't seen it sooner and changed faster for him. 

But I had also started to recognize that he might have BPD about a week before the breakup, during another almost breakup.  I was a psychology major in college, and I woke up one morning reflecting on his behavior, and it felt like an epiphany when I remembered the symptoms of BPD.  I started researching it, but let it go when we got back together because I still wasn't really willing to see it. 

Now that we are broken up and I am trying to move on, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about the illness, and I am amazed at how clear it all seems now.  He is a very sick and suffering man.  I have not had contact with him in several days, and for my own emotional health, that is how it has to remain.  However, I now feel responsible in a way for knowing what I know (or at least, believing what I believe, because he is undiagnosed and I am not a professional).  I shared my insights with him, but I'm sure it did little good.  Trying to show someone something they don't want to or can't see just doesn't work.  But I want someone who is still in his life to have this information so that he might get the help he needs.  If I disclosed this to his parents, maybe they would be able to suggest therapy to him.

Of course, most of me knows this is wishful thinking.  I don't know how his parents would react - it could be with an open-mind, but it could also be with denial and anger.  They are in their 70's and from an era where mental illness is taboo and not to be talked about.  And even if they were open to it, how could it really help?  He would just flip out on them if they raised the topic.  So I guess I'm answering my own question here.  But I needed to post something about this.  If anyone else has been in a similar situation, wondering what to do now, I'd really appreciate some feedback.  Thanks!

Nicole

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Nicole,



Sorry you are dealing with a painful break up, I am glad that you found us.

When we've been through a traumatic experience, we want it to have some value, some purpose.  What do you suppose would happen if the parents did appreciate the information and did agree with you?

[saucybearnaise]

Thanks, Rose.  If they did appreciate it and agree with me, I don't know what would happen.  They don't strike me as the type to find a therapist to talk to about it who could guide them on next steps.  I think they would probably either ignore it or try to bring it up with him, but they'd back down if he blew up at them about it.  Especially because I think they would probably say the information came from me - or he's connect the dots since I already told him that I think he has it. 

I know this isn't my problem anymore and I have to let it go.  It's just so hard because I know he is going to continue hurting himself and a slew of women in the future - he's really easy to fall for. 

[Rose Tiger]

I know what you mean about wanting him to get help and to protect other people from being hurt. I thought about contacting my ex's mom but they circled the wagons pretty quick.  They fell on his side with his assessment that it was all me.  I was 5 years in though so I can think back to the dysfunctional dance they all have with each other.

You were a psych major in college?  I took a lot of psych, too.  I found it really interesting.  Did you parlay that into your career?  I'm wondering if your interest coincides with figuring out your own family dynamics and what makes you tick.

[saucybearnaise]

I didn't continue with psychology - I became a lawyer instead.  I am actively looking for a therapist to help me work through this and to understand why I became entangled in this relationship so it doesn't happen again.  I am waiting for one who was referred to me to return my call, and the couples therapist my ex and I had been seeing is supposed to refer me to someone near me.  I think my best bet is to voice my concerns to the couples therapist and let her decide if she wants to contact him or not.  It's out of my hands now.

[asher2]

Hi Nicole... .  Of all the stories I've read on this site, your resonates with me the most. I'm also in my 30's and had my relationship with girlfriend of 3 months fall apart right in front of me before I ever knew what hit me. I too was swept away by her and believed so strongly that I had found "the one." Like you, I was in total shock at how quickly the relationship ended and the manner in which it ended. When we broke up, I wasn't even really sad, hurt, or angry. Instead, I was in total shock. Also like you, it was so enlightening to find out about BPD as it helped make sense out of otherwise very bizarre behavior. I went to a therapist after we broke up and I said to her "I can't believe I feel this strongly and this upset over a relationship that was only three months." Her response was perfect. She said, "Asher, even though the relationship was only three months, you've never been a relationship with this intensity have you?" So true... .  

My advice to you would be to not talk to his parents about it. I know you care about him, but he is no longer your problem now. And that is a blessing. I believe that all talking to his parents will do is keep you entrenched with him longer. Another blessing for both you and I is that both our relationships were so short. I cannot imagine what the pain is like for those I read on this site who have been in relationships and marriages 5, 10. 20, 30 years. We are both lucky because we were given the chance to get out early. I was ready to purpose to my ex. I'm so glad that didn't happen and the relationship was over quickly. Although it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced, I'm so glad I only spent three months with her.

And for what it's worth, Id imagine the parents know more than you might think. I'd be willing to bet they at the very least know "something is not right with him." I think my ex's parents really liked me a lot and would have liked to see me marry their daughter. But my ex has a suicide attempt in her past and has split her parents black before as well. If they don't know she very likely is BPD, they have to know that she isn't 100% mentally healthy on some level. After, parents have watched their children grow and develop from day one. I think on some level they know.

My ex split me and moved on to her new victim before I even knew what happened. As someone else said on this site, a good way to think of it now is that she is someone else's problem now. Nicole, my honest advice is to stay completely away, pray for him and let him be someone else's problem.

[dharmagems]

I agree with Asher about notifying the parents.  What good would it do for you?  I am in divorce proceedings with my husband of 2.5 years who I just made a realization in Sept. last year all his symptoms are of BPD.  I was truely enlightened and relieved and that my suffering has meaning.  I asked him to see a therapist for BPD and he denies he has it.  Well, it's time for me to leave.  I am 40 now and one reason I stayed with him so long was that I wanted a child and a home and the dream.  He looks ok on the outside, has a stable job, is quiet and respectable, but oh my, he splits in rage and blaming me when there is stress.  You are lucky that you got out early.  I was here with him for 2.5 years.  I'm lucky we didn't share any asssets or have children with him because the divorce is easier.   He still begs for me to stay with him, and it took me 1 year to grieve and reflect and heal, but i really do need more healing as I have suffered with PTSD.  I also have a lot of restructuring my life after the divorce.  As for his parents, they are in their 70's and are immigrants, and mental illness is a taboo, and when I visited them, they seem to feed my husbands illness with still coddling him.  There's dysfunction there, and a lot of denial too.   Yeah, I'm just trying to tip toe out and do some good healing out of the r/s.  I guess I am blessed that it didn't go further than it did.

[stoic83]

I notified her mom after her dad died... .  guess what her mom painted me black... .  .

However, her mom's partner... .  totally agreed with me but said she didn't get in the middle of my exwBPD's mom's rs with her daughters for the sake of their rs... .   what a surprise.

My exwBPD's sister was diagnosed bipolar, and their mom smoked weed on top of their heads while they were in aa, with their philandering and addicted father, who i strongly believed molested my exwBPD and her sister.

By sharing my suspicions with the family, I was abruptly painted black... .  after that i am assuming her and her sister told everybody I was a crazy stalker to hide their mental illness... .  and they can go on being the parasites that they are, no shame.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Unless you want a dangerous smear... .  I would stay away. I received all kinds of threats after that for harrassment and restraining orders if i ever contacted her family again, they didn't understand my compassion for my exwBPD... .  to them she was a loser and therefore I was a freak for being with her in the first place.

Sad how messed up people are... .  but you only live once and it's better just to remove yourself from the situation.

Almost like if you had a time machine... .  should you go back in time and change history?

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is do not mess with someone's path... .  so I would just butt out and move along, unless you want to feel really really bad about yourself.

No family wants to believe that their child is being left by somebody who is "more sane" or "superior" to their child. This is how I believe my ex's mom looked at it... .  very protective of her daughter, which ultimately i can understand though i have no rs w my parents because they are both sick as well.

My T agreed that wanting to talk to my exwBPD's parents about their treatment of her, and her shameless behavior was akin to me wanting to stand up for myself against my own controlling and emotionally abusive parents, and that is why I was trying to help my ex... .  because I really need to help myself, and I am just projecting.

So if your parents aren't complete jerks, maybe try and look at that rs and try to improve it.

I know I would, if my parents wern't as narcissistic as they are... .  need to protect myself right now

[almost789]

I understand your desire to share the information you have. I dont think his parents are the ones to share that with. They probably do know something. I think u have a good idea about talking to the counselor you two were seeing.

[GreenMango]

Mine came from a very dysfuctional household.  The parents had their own struggles that directly effected this situation negatively.

In my case the apple didn't fall from the tree.  It was very sad to see it in action.

Maybe just give yourself some time for the emotions to settle... .  sometimes the time gives a little perspective.

[saucybearnaise]

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate it.  I need to give this time, as it's only been one week. 

[momtara]

Good question!  I have been wondering the same thing.  My husband's mom is very close to him and tends to deny his behavior, but I do care about him and don't want him to go through life losing relationships and alienating people, and having so many negative feelings and anxieties.  I have contemplated emailing his mom or brother.  In this case, we are married. 

I think you have to follow your conscience.  Also, maybe you can get him in to see your couples counselor at least once more, and see if she can suggest that he's BPD?  Or maybe that he shouldn't do so much 'splitting' of people during relationships?

You are lucky that you recognized BPD.  I'm ending a 5 year marriage.  I only realized it after things got really bad and we had two kids.  I don't regret the marriage or the kids, but I regret not knowing that all this was BPD, because I think I could have dealt with it.  My husband is a good person usually.  He had two relationships that fell apart before mine, and from what little I know about them, the same stuff happened.

Now he is telling me I am the love of his life and he doesn't want to be alone because he has few people he can trust.  I think the BPD is the cause of this, and I keep telling him he's a good person and I don't want him to suffer.

Before we have kids, he used to threaten to leave me now and then.  He stopped doing that when we had kids, but then it became a situation where he was being so controlling (only when in periodic bad moods though) that now I wanted to leave!  That's what happens, I think, if you stay long enough - you get more marriage security, but sometimes a tougher marriage.  If only I had known what was causing this, though, I might have been able to get our marriage counselors to see it.  Maybe I also could have dealt with the bad moods better.  Hard to say.

I guess I'm just trying to say that

a) it's lucky you recognized this early,

b) up to you how you want to address it with parents; depends on how much you care about him and his future.  BUT it could backfire and really get him angry unless you are diplomatic, introduce the topic carefully (first mention his symptoms), seem like you aren't doing it for bad/revenge reasons, and ask them to keep a confidence.  If they're nice and kind people, hopefully they will.

c) do you still love him and hope he'll change? he may try to come back; they often do.  if so, you may want to hang tight a bit and see how you can address this all in therapy before telling the family.