How do you even treat your own narcissism.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was thinking about making a post about how I'm weirdly hung up on an ex (not disordered) but then I came across this from 2010 and... .  well, here's why I'm weirdly hung up on that ex:

narcissistic rage is related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means". It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.

In other words, because of my flaming narcissism, is why.  And reading this I can see it playing out in friendships and acquaintances and blahhhh. 

All this time I've been wondering just HOW narc I am and totally afraid of the answer (which is: pretty damn narc). 

I had recently briefly reconnected with the ex and been a jerk to him, and realized I was addicted to the power trip and stopped all contact.  But I did that because it was the "right" thing to do, not because I didn't want to do it.  I still *want* to mess with him. 

I kept thinking of this as an isolated incident, but it wasn't, it was just more obvious because it was picking fights instead of just stewing to myself. 

This feels like one of those aha moments I should have had years ago.  Always a late bloomer... .  

[Weird Fishes]

I was thinking about making a post about how I'm weirdly hung up on an ex (not disordered) but then I came across this from 2010 and... .  well, here's why I'm weirdly hung up on that ex:

narcissistic rage is related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means". It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.

In other words, because of my flaming narcissism, is why.  And reading this I can see it playing out in friendships and acquaintances and blahhhh. 

All this time I've been wondering just HOW narc I am and totally afraid of the answer (which is: pretty damn narc). 

I had recently briefly reconnected with the ex and been a jerk to him, and realized I was addicted to the power trip and stopped all contact.  But I did that because it was the "right" thing to do, not because I didn't want to do it.  I still *want* to mess with him. 

I kept thinking of this as an isolated incident, but it wasn't, it was just more obvious because it was picking fights instead of just stewing to myself. 

This feels like one of those aha moments I should have had years ago.  Always a late bloomer... .  

[HowPredictable]

Welcome to the N Club.  Recognizing my own N-traits, and those of my FOO, was one of the biggest and most significant breakthroughs I've ever had in my life.   (If you search some of my prior posts, you will see some of my struggles documented).

The problem is this:  N-traits are very difficult to treat.  Very.  But if improvement is possible, the first step is recognizing them, which you seem already to have done.   

There are also a lot of good books out there.   I would avoid the websites because they tend to be frequented by very hurt and scathed people who are freshly out of abusive relationships with N-traited people.  Not a warm, welcoming, growth-oriented place to gain self-awareness and positive change. 

Good luck -- this moment self-discovery is a really good and promising first step for you. 

[P.F.Change]

It's good to be able to take a hard look at ourselves and work to improve behaviors that are keeping us "stuck." Still, it's not a good idea to try diagnosing and treating ourselves. For that, we need a professional opinion. Have you ever discussed your concerns about having N-traits with a therapist?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Weird Fishes]

Hi, HowPredictable and PF.

I don't think I'm disordered, and I've known I have some N for a long time, I just... didn't see how it worked, I guess. 

I did see a therapist for about six months last year (stopped because my insurance ran out).  I brought it up repeatedly with her, but she never explicitly addressed it.  She just kept saying I needed to focus on myself and stop wasting energy on others.  Basically self-police my thoughts.  I've had patchy success with that.

[Weird Fishes]

HowPredictable, I read some of your posts.  I have been meaning to read Drama of the Gifted Child.  And I've wondered about the "vulnerable narcissist" thing re: me... .  it's true I've been more sensitive than empathetic most of my life.  But once I started addressing some of my issues, I've become more empathetic, I think?

[HowPredictable]

"The Drama of the Gifted Child" is certainly a worthwhile read.  Judging simply from some of the posts of yours that I've read, you have hinted at some of the same family dynamic that is very well-described there.

However, it's not a "how-to-fix-it" kind of book, but rather one that merely identifies the FOO patterns.  Assuming your own N-traits come from having a family of N's (like mine are), two others that do this quite well are Karyl McBride's "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and "Children of the Self-Absorbed" by Nina Brown.

But to address your question about empathy:  I'm not sure.  At this stage I can say that I am very mindful of my own behaviors and reactions and I do think I try hard to show empathy.  I'm not sure whether I'm successful, and I wonder whether I am just going through the motions.   But as long as other people feel that I am being empathic, I think that's a good start.

The bigger problem is the attention-seeking.   The need to solicit attention and praise runs very, very deep in my core and I'm finding it incredibly hard to stamp out.  Trying to find validation internally, rather than from external sources, is what I'm working on now.

[Weird Fishes]

HowPredictable, thank you for all your advice!   I will check those sources out.

[trouble11]

The N Club huh?  I keep reading these posts over and over all the while thinking ... .  Holy Crap.  I need to do a tad bit more research and soul searching, but if you guys have a membership app I'm pretty sure I can start filling it out.