Why wont she even try

[cal644]

I still struggle with this question.  After 19 years of marriage why won't my uBPDex even try to save our marriage.  Most normal people would do anything they could too save a marriage. But not my wife.  I asked her for marriage counciling (no) I asked her to quit texting him (no) - finally I said why won't you even try to save what we had?  Her answer - I don't know , I know I should be saying yes and try everything possible, but something inside me is telling me not too... .  This is after 19 years of what I and everybody else thought was a perfect marriage.  I've eben tried throwing some white flags thinking she might come to her sences during the seperation - but they are thrown in my face how it's all my fault becuase I filed.  Any thoughts?

[Newton]

cal644 I hear your frustration... .  the answer to your bewilderment at her lack of cooperation is in your post... .  

... .  "any normal person"... .  would you desbribe her thinking/behaviour as "normal"?

For pwBPD feelings equal facts... .  it is obvious from her behaviour that currently she doesn't posses the cognitive skills to question or interpret her feelings and rationalize how those feelings are impacting on her/your life.

Denial, splitting and projection are very powerful defence mechanisms... .  it sounds like her behaviour is "normal" for someone suffering from BPD traits.

[cal644]

I should add that yesterday I saw her comming out of her T office after my daughter was done with her T too.  My ex was crying hysterically ... .  I texted to see if she was ok and I hated to see her cry.  Her response was "it is what it is".  I texted that I still loved her - her response was "U shouldn't".  She must be starting to see her issues but she still won't try.

[Rose Tiger]

That had to be hard on the heart strings.  Hey Cal, you might want to check out the lessons on the Staying board.  Particularly the ones on communication.  It would be comforting if you start validating what she is feeling, you don't have to agree with her feelings but it will help to let her know it's ok to feel however she is feeling. 

[Surnia]

I feel your pain and confusion, cal, and I agree with Rose Tiger about reading the Lessons.

I should add that yesterday I saw her comming out of her T office after my daughter was done with her T too.  My ex was crying hysterically ... .  I texted to see if she was ok and I hated to see her cry.  Her response was "it is what it is".  I texted that I still loved her - her response was "U shouldn't".  She must be starting to see her issues but she still won't try.

I am not sure if the Leaving board is the right place for you. Yes, you filed for divorce but I sense some hope that she would change... .  

There is a lot of enmeshment from your part.

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships. You can benefit a lot even if you are not sure about staying!