Sorting it out

[birdlady]

I'm working on taking a very honest self inventory. It is difficult because I've been abused in childhood and most recently in a long term marriage.

First, I didn't leave. I stayed with an abusive alcoholic until he got a gf and decided to divorce me. My bad.  I finally did take responsibility and say "no mas" by getting an L and fling the divorce. I made it actually happen at that point.  I'm glad I'm out of it.  I've thought seriously before putting it this way, but I would not go back if he wanted me and paid me a million dollars to return. It is so over. There is no going back.

When being physically and emotionally abused and the abuser is blaming everything wrong in life on me, in order to survive at all, while feeling like a piece of garbage inside, I also blamed and was angry at my abuser.  What does that make me?

I want to be healthy. I want to accept my flaws and work on them. I know I'm not some unflawed super person. I have my share of issues and insecurities. One thing without a doubt is that I'm  not an alcoholic. Overall though, it is difficult in the light of what I've lived to figure out what are my real shortcomings and what is my simply my blamer's warped opinion of me.  My blamer didn't just violate boundaries, he ate them for lunch.

Anyone got any advice? I feel like if I don't admit that I have problems, too, I'm almost as bad as the blamer. But figuring out what I should "own" and what I shouldn't is so hard to sort out in light of years of abuse.

I'm NC with my uxh who has BPD and NPD traits. He still contacts me, even though I don't respond. Any business we still have, well we both have lawyers.

Here is the incident that prompted this round of introspection. Yesterday, I received a particularly vile and abusive letter. It left me shaking and crying. After a few hours I realized the letter reflected on him, not on me.  I realized that I need to learn to laugh these ludicrous things off.   I can control me. I can't control him. He will abuse any way he can when I least expect it even though we are divorced and have lived apart 6 months with strict NC on my part for 5 months.  I hope I'm learning something. I hope that next time I see something so vile from him, I don't turn into a heap of jello. If you wonder why I opened it, the envelope also contained legitimate legal business. My L is now directing his L that everything to me must come through my L, but do I expect him to respect that?  Not anymore.

Anyway please. Have you sorted it out?  How are you getting a handle on it? TIA

[morningagain]

Hey birdlady 

I am new at some success in this self-discovery thing, but here goes... .  

I discovered that i was taught it was not OK to be happy when my mother was depressed or angry.  That was wrong.  Thus I emotionally 'track' those close to me, particularly when the path is down into negativity.  Conversely, I expect those close to me to do the same when I am down or angry, which results in resentment and subtle control attempts when I do not get what I expect.  (the conversely part I just figured out now)

I discovered that I was always seeking approval from my father.  He was largely absent.  I think another factor was that, as I was more emotionally expressive and tracked my mother's moods, he just couldn't relate to me - he didn't understand me and was busy dealing with my mother or coping by detaching from her himself and thus detaching from me.  (again, some new discovery as I write regarding why he was so detached from me).  This has resulted in me seeking and building up my self worth too much from others - particularly those close to me.

Perhaps you can imagine then, me tracking my wife and her emotional dysregulation, getting pissed when she could not 'empathize" when I was down, and chasing her around to gain approval - more and more and more as I became further enmeshed in the relationship I drew more and more of my self worth from her as I excluded others from my life - I more and more triggered her and she more and more triggered me and I more and more triggered myself internally (as did she).

So... .  

By working on digging out my values and living with them as I live alone, by figuring out what my boundaries are and how to hold them, I am gaining self respect.  I had hidden my own issues - as I figured this stuff out I could see clearly how this has disrupted my life - for my whole life - yes I coped better and had a much more functional life prior to my r/s with my dBPD wife, but those dysfunctions of mine were all there a priori.

I figured out  I loved a fantasy version of MYSELF!  I have since learned to love my WHOLE self - flaws and all - and without accepting my bad behaviors.  I am not presently beating myself up, or having these worthless feelings about myself.  I believe it is because I no longer have a fantasy version of myself that I love that I cannot maintain.  This is, not surprisingly, a hauntingly familiar revelation.

And I feel a little stronger every day, and continue to rebuild myself, but hopefully on a much firmer foundation of truth.

Gosh I hope this helps - it took so long to get here and it may be too 'conclusionary' to be of much value.  But here it is.  Please let me know if it helps, and please feel free to ask questions on the off chance I may be able to shed some more light on myself that you might find helpful.

 

Michael

[ConfusedMichael]

Hi birdlady,

It's good that you're away from that relationship now and are taking steps to move past it.  Speaking from my own experience of being with and splitting from a BPD partner I would recommend one thing above all else for getting back on track and regaining perspective when you start to doubt your own judgement: don't be afraid to seek support.

You've already started that by coming here.  For me, finding this website was the one big first step that got me moving in the right direction again.  When your own head is such a wreck and you barely feel like you can trust your judgement any more, it can be extremely comforting and reassuring to get feedback from people who have been in similar situations.  Many of the things I heard from members here were not new to me.  They were often thoughts that had gone around my own head millions of times.  But they were mixed in amongst thousands of other thoughts and I had lost my objectivity and my ability to trust myself.  Listening to the views of people here helped me regain my perspective and start to distinguish reality from perception again.

Recently I've taken this even further by starting to see a therapist, and after just a few meetings I can already say it is helping hugely to be able to talk to someone who understands the issues involved and who can also have that anchoring effect when those doubts creep back.  Not that this is essential for everyone though, and lots of people get put off by bad experiences with poor therapists, but I can say that it is certainly something I'm glad that I have started.

It's a long process.  There aren't any quick fixes, but you definitely seem to be on the right path.  Try to keep that in mind on the tougher days, and on those days also try to remember that you have support here if needed.

Take care,

Michael

[Rubies]

It's a hard journey, but is so worth it!   Growing up with family then marrying BPD, surrounded by people who would exploit any vulnerability, any perceived weakness, and use it as a weapon against me.  I learned to never let my vulnerabilities show.  Be tough and take it, I am wrong, they are right, my feelings and needs don't count.  Always stuffing the feelings.

I learned to embrace my feelings instead of fighting against them.  What are they trying to tell me?  Even if I don't know WHY I feel it, I trust it.  I learned to validate myself then trust myself, set boundaries and enforce them.  It's worked very well, putting out the people who refuse to respect boundaries or respect me.  Any hint of convincing using Fear, Obligation, Guilt gets called and shut down.     

I can now be vulnerable with myself without FEAR.  I am learning to trust others and be vulnerable with them as well.  This takes time as there is not 1 person in my life who was in it while still married to BPD.  I am becoming the person I was always meant to be, and I love it.

[birdlady]

Thanks for the kind replies. Not only am I reading/asking here but I'm getting group counseling as a domestic violence survivor.  In fact, tomorrow I celebrate 6 months since the last time I was physically abused.  I left the next day.

There is a lot to take in.  All of your replies are thoughtful and helpful. Knowing that there is a group of us healing together from the same kinds of issues is helpful.

I've run the letter past a professional, and it was pure emotional abuse.  From now on any letters from him will remain unopened and stashed where I don't see them. When it is confirmed that there is nothing I need in them for legal matters, they will be discarded unopened.

[P.F.Change]

I've run the letter past a professional, and it was pure emotional abuse.  From now on any letters from him will remain unopened and stashed where I don't see them. When it is confirmed that there is nothing I need in them for legal matters, they will be discarded unopened.

Perhaps you might consider having your attorney request all correspondence be sent to his/her office. Anything else that comes to your address can be given unopened to your attorney to read or file. You wouldn't have to read any of it, all the "evidence" would be in a safe location, and at that point you could decide together what to do about any continued harassment.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[P.F.Change]

Sorry, just went back and see your L is already making that request. But you can probably still let L's office be the safe place you stash mail from your ex... .  because you are right, he will probably still send some.

I think it's a good plan not to open anything else from him yourself. And it's awesome that you are getting specialized T. It sounds like you have some big traumas to overcome. T is probably the best environment to sort out which issues are yours to own and which are not.

You mention one issue is that you stayed in an abusive marriage so long. Do you know why? What was the payoff for you?

It is not wrong to be angry at your abuser. You chose to stay... .  but that does not mean you deserved to be abused. We all have issues and it's good to acknowledge them . But your issues don't negate your ex's. It is ok to be angry at the way he treated you, while at the same time examining why you accepted it. I am guessing it was probably not safe for you to express anger to him... .  now that you are in a safe place, you are starting to notice you have feelings. Go ahead and feel them, letting your T guide you.

PF

[turtle]

Hi birdlady!

One of the T's I saw made me define my core wound.  It was hard to do because by the time I got to her... .  I was a WRECK!  I felt that every single fiber in my emotional world was a wound, so how could I possibly come up with one short, concise sentence? It took us a few sessions to boil it down, but it came down to my feelings of invisibility.  So, it looked something like this: 

Core wound: Invisibility

How I deal with invisibility:  "If I can't fix you, then you can't see me."

Once I defined my core wound, invisibility, then it made sense to me how I subconsciously tried to heal that wound.  I was drawn to people who needed "fixing," and when I "fixed" them (which is such a fallacy and very arrogant,) I felt had had merit, value, and I certainly wasn't invisible. Of course, when the pwBPD came into my world, this little subconscious system of mine came crashing down - just like the house of cards that it really is.

I had hidden my own issues - yesas I figured this stuff out I could see clearly how this has disrupted my life - for my whole life -   I coped better and had a much more functional life prior to my r/s with my dBPD wife, but those dysfunctions of mine were all there a priori.

And yes!  My life was definitely much more "functional" prior to my BPD r/s, but looking back with the knowledge I have now, I was operating with a core wound that was drawing me into more and more dysfunction with every passing year.

turtle

[birdlady]

I've run the letter past a professional, and it was pure emotional abuse.  From now on any letters from him will remain unopened and stashed where I don't see them. When it is confirmed that there is nothing I need in them for legal matters, they will be discarded unopened.

Perhaps you might consider having your attorney request all correspondence be sent to his/her office. Anything else that comes to your address can be given unopened to your attorney to read or file. You wouldn't have to read any of it, all the "evidence" would be in a safe location, and at that point you could decide together what to do about any continued harassment.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Ty, yes, that has been done-- everything is to go to my attorney and then passed on to me. As I'm sure you know, abusive people don't necessarily follow the rules.

[birdlady]

You mention one issue is that you stayed in an abusive marriage so long. Do you know why? What was the payoff for you.

The first reason was that this was my second marriage and I didn't want to fail a second time.

Second, however foolishly, I still had hope it could get better.

Third, I thought I was starting to regain myself and had gained enough coping skills to make it work.

Fourth, it wasn't all bad all the time and I believed the lies I wanted to believe (such as I love you and I will never leave you).

Last but not least, I didn't understand what my financial options were (he controlled all the finances and I worked for him without pay).  I didn't want to be homeless.

[birdlady]

And yes!  My life was definitely much more "functional" prior to my BPD r/s, but looking back with the knowledge I have now, I was operating with a core wound that was drawing me into more and more dysfunction with every passing year.

turtle

Yes, I think it like waking up out of a fog for that reason and more.

My core issue is feeling worthless. That was the "gift" of my Mother's abuse. It was continued in my husband's abuse. In fact the abusive letter was all about how broken and worthless I was.

I'm working on it