can a BPD's traits lie dorment with someone who triggers them less?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

just curious about a BPD's different cycles and "moods" in new relationships. my exBPDbf was married 12 years... .  from what i gathered it wasnt really rocky till the last few years although i know he blew up at times during the marriage. then with me, (1st relationship after 12 years of marriage) for some reason i triggered him all the time. it was very passionate, tumultuous, and "soul-mate" intense, but i triggered him thruout the whole 8 month relationship and he raged intensely on several occasions and was constantly changing from teary-eyed loving and emotional to moody and harsh and angry. now, with the "new replacement" he says he has not blown up or had any arguements at all. so he says. its been 3 months. i know some people can have less "trigger" personality traits than others but doesnt a BPD  still have the same emotional problems regardless of the person they are with? and eventually wont they still act out in the ways a BPD acts out until they get the help they need? it doesnt just magically disappear and go away does it with the "right" person? isnt it just a matter of time before it all starts again? just puzzled is all.

[beherenow]

just curious about a BPD's different cycles and "moods" in new relationships. my exBPDbf was married 12 years... .  from what i gathered it wasnt really rocky till the last few years although i know he blew up at times during the marriage. then with me, (1st relationship after 12 years of marriage) for some reason i triggered him all the time. it was very passionate, tumultuous, and "soul-mate" intense, but i triggered him thruout the whole 8 month relationship and he raged intensely on several occasions and was constantly changing from teary-eyed loving and emotional to moody and harsh and angry. now, with the "new replacement" he says he has not blown up or had any arguements at all. so he says. its been 3 months. i know some people can have less "trigger" personality traits than others but doesnt a BPD  still have the same emotional problems regardless of the person they are with? and eventually wont they still act out in the ways a BPD acts out until they get the help they need? it doesnt just magically disappear and go away does it with the "right" person? isnt it just a matter of time before it all starts again? just puzzled is all.

[clashreality]

I may be too new here to answer this, but...

It seems like there might be a few factors. First of all, the marriage. 12 years/less rocky does not mean it was successful! He may have been cheating the whole time or there wasn't much of an emotional/romantic connection (which seems to be easier as far as managing certain behaviors) but there was enough of something else (comradery, financial support) to keep him there.

On the emotional connection note - a lot of this has to do with inadequacy/abandonment issues so if he felt like there was all of that in your relationship (passion, "soul mates" the raging is the typical devaluing/sabotaging.

Some people are definitely better with boundaries but aside from that my guess would be it's less about the person and more about what the pwBPD is getting out of the relationship and what their perception is of the connection with that person.

I hope that makes sense!

[happiness68]

I partly agree with Clashreality, but I also believe that you can more or less guarantee that how he said the relationship was with his ex-wife, it was NOT.  Also this new relationship.  Ok it's 3 months in, but give it time and see where it leads.  You don't always see the   at that point.  I know from my own experience, my exbfBPD told me that with his wife he'd left because he was no longer in love. It was only later that new things came to surface, though I do believe he was also no longer in love with her.  I know also that after his ex-wife he went from one relationship to another, each lasting maybe 3 months or so.  I was friends with him before we became a couple (only a few months or so) and I remember the one he was with at the start of that time.  He told me how he'd spent only a few nights at home in the last 2 months and they were talking about moving in with one another, only to be told a few days later that he didn't like this and didn't like that.  The thing is they're very private people BPD's and therefore don't talk to many people about their honest feelings.  They portray things to be perfect, but rest assured, behind the scenes, they're not.  They can't change overnight.

Yes, I see what you're saying about the trigger, because as you describe your relationship with the passion and soulmate part, I felt just the same as you and it was almost as you'd written about my own BPD experience when you described your own relationship.  However, I think it's just a matter of time before the BPD characteristics kick in.  It's not you and how you triggered him.  Perhaps because of the intense feelings, you had the triggers much earlier, but I can imagine that would be all it would be.  That's what I see from my own experience.

[trevjim]

I am wondering the same thing about my pwBPDex, she has been with the new guy 3 months now and he has already moved in and they are planning to add another child to the one she has already. from what I heard a month ago she is 'incredibly happy and he relaxes her' but i know they are just in the honeymoon stage and im sure somewhere down the line, the new guy will become more himself and that will start to trigger things for her as right now, he is treating her like a princess as he is smitten and she is lapping it up.

[happiness68]

trevjim - well put - it's the honeymoon period

[trevjim]

trevjim - well put - it's the honeymoon period

Is the honeymoon period stronger with pwBPD?

[trouble11]

Good question ... .  Mine was married to another BPD for 27 years.  At least I think she was BPD.  While he was in and out with her he would describe her behavior.  Wanting to help/save him I started researching and pointed BPD out to him thinking that having these answers would give him some peace.   Ooops!   He did a little reading and then quit.  Wonder why?       Anyway I have heard that BPD on BPD can actually work better for them.  I don't know if it's true or not but it kinda makes sense.  Neither would want intimacy.  Of course now I wonder if she was BPD or not ... .  he may have actually been projecting on her to me.  Who knows.  Talk about a f... .  ed up mess. 

[tailspin]

 

I don't think BPD traits can be dormant.  However, I do believe some people are better adapted to not trigger the disorder in their partner.  Having said that... .  we all know what this means.  Walking on eggshells, being non-confrontational at all costs, agreeing with everything they say and do, abandoning our selves, abandoning our boundaries, becoming submissive, and forgetting what it means to have a healthy relationship in favor of a relationship that sucks.

Personally, I'm happy being the trigger.

tailspin

[ChrisJ31]

I don't think BPD traits can be dormant.  However, I do believe some people are better adapted to not trigger the disorder in their partner.  Having said that... .  we all know what this means.  Walking on eggshells, being non-confrontational at all costs, agreeing with everything they say and do, abandoning our selves, abandoning our boundaries, becoming submissive, and forgetting what it means to have a healthy relationship in favor of a relationship that sucks.

Personally, I'm happy being the trigger.

tailspin

Love this

It's like, how big a doormat you can and are willing too be!

[trouble11]

Yeah ... .  I gave a lot of thought to the whole DBT therapy thing.  Then I had nightmares of him sitting on the couch and me frantically trying to figure out how to  "say the right thing".  The whole idea kinda makes me wanna  .   I'm kind and compassionate, but just not wired to live my life that way.  I would feel like such a phoney in addition to being miserable.  I don't even want to be friends with the guy for that reason.

[beherenow]

thank you for all the responses. i was just curious since i knew he was a high functioning BPD and held a marriage for 12 years, although unhappy. he stayed because of his daughtrer mainly. then when he met me, we lasted 8 months, but broke up and got together 4 times in the 8 months. each time because he went into a rage and i had him leave... .  only to feel guilty and sad and take him back. he did contact me a month ago and said he still loved me and cared about me etc but then as we talked he blew up again and later said he was sorry but im the only one he does that with because im the only one he feels so strongly about? and thats when he said he has not gotten mad or blown up at his new girlfriend at all. theyve been together about 4 months now. i just found it hard to believe, and like everyone said... .  its just a matter of time before SOMETHING she says or does triggers him. id just be curious to know how long others have known their BPD before they blew up and lost it. like whats the average time youre with them in the beginning before they start changing? 2 months, 3, 4? a year? i knew him about 6 weeks before the first time he let me see his true self.

[clashreality]

Hmm... I'd say our first major blowup was about 8 months in. We were visiting my family and my ex had such an episode they actually left to go to be with a family member... 1500 miles away (we were on a long summer trip, they left for about a week). We were together for a little over 3 years and had 3 MAJOR episodes including this recent, final, one.

Then again - my ex found out early on that silent treatment is pretty much the only way to push my button so they got good at that vs. raging. I cannot count the silencing moments/silent treatments I got.

[WifeNeedsSupport]

listen, i have been with my H for 13 years(married for 8). he has bp and narcissistic p traits. i'm not sure at this point, i'd call our marriage any kind of success. thought we were a golden couple in early days (years). it's gotten worse and worse, with his mask really taken off after our 2nd kid. then we had a 3rd while i was on bcp. love the kids though. all 3 are super awesome. think i love the husband too, but the whole concept of "love" is really called into question here.  yes, he has an illness i now see, but part of me thinks we never should have become more than friends or a one night stand... i think it might be one very long drawn out mistake. but with kids in the picture it's a tough spot. when i step back and look at how unhealthy this kind of relationship is, i want to   too! (happy i got to use that emoticon!). i mean, i am not the type to actually want to be a doormat either... .  i have a good sense of self-worth, but i just didn't see how i was being used until he started getting really nasty as the tides turned and he started not getting his way all the time.  or more recently as i became less and less willing to forgive bad behavior. here's my take-- i now realize i was primed for this b/c my mom is a pwBPD! we were a natural fit and i didn't think anything of it. i knew all to well how to please. and was happy to do it! and he was so happy to have me by his side doing whatever he wanted. then things got worse and worse for me over the years. i kept a lot of optimism though and wishful thinking. then i think i grew up a bit and saw that he was still a selfish, needy, and emotionally handicapped kid (he's 10years older too! age does nothing for growth). and it took some time for the responsibilities of family life to take their toll and add into the scenario. it's all about how pre-trained and/or blind-sighted the significant other is and how long it takes for the honeymoon to end.

btw, he was married once before me-- was with her for 7 years (but only married for like 6months). she ran away from him! he made her out to be the crazy one to me, but now he says the same exact comments about me that he used to say about her! i don't think these people are able to change ever. just ticking time bombs for future significant others!

[beherenow]

wifeneedssup: thank you for your response. i am sorry you have to deal with that... .  i couldnt imagine the pain of being married to a BPD and then children too and feeling torn because of them. although i miss him i am glad i didnt waste more than 8 months! i hope things get better and he gets therapy or that you find a way to leave and be happy.  

[almost789]

I think that could be true that some people are less triggering than others. But I dont think anyone could completely prevent all triggers.

Tailspin, very true! That seems to me to be bordering on enabling and giving up yourself for them. I cant understand why .anyone would do this, unless it was merely a survival stategy for those who have no choice but to stay.

Its a very fine line to walk to try to prevent a trigger and at the same time set boundries and limits.