When my mother is nice

[oliviallamb]

When my mother is nice it's hard to remember that she can be so mean. I want to take hold of this part of her and try to think that she's always going to be like that, but I know inevitably she is going to turn and be abusive toward me again.

It makes it hard to trust her.

What have some of you done to keep perspective about these moods from BPD in your life?

[lipsticklibrarian]

My uBPD mother and enmeshed sister are putting together a Christmas parcel to send to me while I'm working abroad. I know they are trying to project their good side so I will come home and visit, I' very tempted to believe I have a wonderful mother and I just fabricated her BPD.

I know from experience this is a pattern we go through, your mother behaving the way a good mother would is irresistible. Especially for me because I've never felt that my mother loved me.

Coping techniques, I would say don't fall for it, get your love elsewhere, choose loving friends, a nice relationship, hand out with good hearted co workers. It means you won't fall quite so hard when your mother baits you with her nice side. Also you can tell your friends about your mother's condition and after she messes you over you can always share with your non related family. I always feel better after I've talked to my roommate about the latest thing my crazy mother said/ did.

[GeekyGirl]

Enjoy the peaceful times.

When you say that it's hard to trust your mother, what does that mean to you? Do you mean trusting her with your feelings or with possessions?

It's important to look at how you view yourself when your mother's nice vs. when she's not. Do you feel differently about yourself depending on how your mother is acting towards you?

[oliviallamb]

@LipstickLibrarian: Thanks for the note. It does help to me reflect on the fact that my mother will not be the way she is presently. It's totally like a cycle. I know eventually she's going to be mean again.

I have recently just realized that I do need to try and rely more on other people to have unmet needs actually met and I'm also opening up more to them about this.

I'm sorry about your situation. This stuff is no fun. For me, I feel like I'm in a tug-of-war of emotions.

@GeekyGirl: It's hard to trust my mom with my emotions. When she's like this I want to open up more to her and just be myself around her, but I know I can't because when she's vicious (as she will become sooner or later) she uses the information I give her against me, which is really painful.

I used to really depend on my mother and her perception of me but over the years it has decreased. I have to admit it still does affect me a lot though and maybe that's because she's the only family member I have. It makes it difficult. It's not like I have all these family members in my life that I can escape to or talk to or who see my mom everyday or anything. It's just me and her and a lot of that is because of life circumstances as well as her inappropriate, mean, vicious moods and behaviors. I'm apparently the sucker that I stayed around.

If she is in a good mood, then my life is great... .although since understanding BPD I am wary of that now. For instance today she is in a good mood, and I really want to believe she will be this way all the time, and I want to embrace that but I can't. I know that now. So, now, I'm doing my best to give her just a little bit of me but not the personal things. I am putting a boundary now. It still hurts though.

[Lisallew]

BPD mothers can change so quickly. A wrong word or gesture or a look she doesn't like can set her off. So you're right not to trust her. Whilst there'll be nice times, there'll equally be awful times. Sad but true.

This article is well worth a read!

www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1870491,00.html

[ringy]

I can see that my MIL has this effect on my DH. I do not, and will never trust my MIL, but she is not my mother so I realize it's different.

We enjoy, or rather, breathe a sigh of relief during the peaceful times, but DH and I have agreed not to confide any personal information in any way. It always comes back against us - even the price of our kitchen renovation came up once, with MIL accusing us of having our priorities all wrong as evidenced by spending so much money and time on a renovation rather than with extended family.

Have you read the Wise Mind workshop on this site?

[GeekyGirl]

I think the key is to only share what you're comfortable with, Olivialamb, which is a boundary you can set--you don't have to share anything that makes you feel particularly vulnerable with your mother. Are there things that you wouldn't feel comfortable with sharing with her when she's in a bad mood vs. when she's in a good mood? If so, I'd try to limit conversation and sharing to the things you know you're comfortable with her knowing at any time.

What you can do is spend time with her when she's in a good mood, keep those boundaries up (knowing what you're comfortable with sharing), and as ringy suggested, practice some techniques like SET and (my favorite) Wise Mind for when she's not in a good mood.

[oliviallamb]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice everyone. I am definitely trying to set boundaries. I just have to do it without my mom becoming suspicious that I am keeping things from her (which is a complaint of her's)

[CinnamonRadio]

@lisallew:  Thanks so much for sharing the article!  Great resource

@oliviallamb:  My mother is currently in phase which my T and I have coined the "cute and squishy" phase.  She wants to be a grandmother very badly and she senses the time coming, so she's trying to make up for lost time.  Last week she even apologized to me for something.  I find it really hard to even view her as the same person who refused to cuddle me as a child, or yelled at me if I cried. 

I am trying to keep perspective by remembering that this is a phase and it can change very quickly.  I know her s and her triggers.  I can't necessarily predict exactly what she will rage about, or when a manipulation will happen, but I can predict that eventually it will.  I am trying to meet her where she is, and enjoy the peacfulness for now.  I am still absolutely maintaining my boundaries.  No amount of "cute"ness on her part will make her a good confidante, a friend or a trustworthy source of comfort or even advice.  I have other people in my life that I can go to when I need those things.  I really hope you do too!

I think @GeekyGirl really hit the nail on the head!  As a child of a BPDparent, it seems to me we are always trying to figure out what we have done to trigger the good, the bad, or the ugly.  In reality, it shouldn't be about figuring out how to manage their crackpot feelings, it should be about us trying to protect ourselves and our loved ones from harm. 

Good for you for identifying this as merely a stopping point in your mother's personality, and also for taking the time to reflect on how to cope with it, and identify your feelings.  It sounds like you you are very self-aware, and doing a great job of taking care of YOU!   

[oliviallamb]

@JetsFan: Thank you.  What you are describing with your mom sounds a little like mine. With my mom it's almost as if she destroys me emotionally during a fight and twists everything around... .and then afterwards goes this period where she almost seems like she sees my side to things and encourages me (like right now it's the fact that I want to move out. Before she was saying I was abandoning her and now she's encouraging me to do it... .huh?) but that ultimately changes. She will again go back to the "you're abandoning me" thing.

I'm still realizing that anything mother-ly that I may need will have to come from someone else. Is that something you had to do as well?

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Olivia,

Sorry for the VERY delayed reponse.  Funny how we were talking about the unpredictable ups and downs, because right after this post, BPDmom took a tail spin and after 10 years of relative stability started again with the suicide attempts.    Oy!

As for the "mother-ly" stuff, I absolutely did need to find an alternate, or a few actually.  I tend to connect with older women rather than women my age anyway, so I was able to make a few friends who are older and not mentally ill.  People who really care about me and have good advice to give.  At times, it's silly things, like how to cook kale, but I just didn't learn them growing up.  Heck, when I first moved out on my own, I was cleaning my kitchen with Windex, because I had gained so few self-care and self-management skills growing up.

We fight an uphill battle because we have 1- lower self-esteem than most people thanks to it being reinforced on a near constant basis and 2- codependency issues that have been carefully cultivated and nurtured by our mothers.  It takes time and effort to break those negative thoughts and self-critical actions. 

Good signs I have learned for people who can take on at least part of that mom role is people who:

- Have long-term friendships in their lives (I used to think it was normal to only be friends with people for a few years, and then dispose of them and find a new life with new hobbies, and therefore new friends- not true!  Only BPDs think this is normal)

- Do not make you feel bad IN ANY WAY when you express a need (ex: I need to talk, can you please not call so late, no I can't pick you from the airport, I need sleep Etc.) My good friends literally respond with "Ok, sure, no problem!"  amazing!

- Are always honest with you, not in a mean way, but do offer their opinion and it doesn't alternate between mirroring yours exactly, or completely disagerring with you 'just cause'. 

- Listen without one-upping your struggles or achievements when you talk

I hope these are helpful!  Again, sorry about the long-delayed response.