Sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there  

I've been reading here for a few weeks and it's helped me immensely already so I thought I'd say hello. My pwBPD is my older sister. She has always been difficult but things were continually smoothed over for the sake of my mother. My mother was a psychotherapist and very self aware and yet ... .  when it came to her first born, she still had trouble disengaging. I'm a mother myself so I can't exactly fault her for that but it certainly made things more difficult. I knew it would take something major for things to change.

Well, my mother died just before Xmas. There is no reason to smooth things over any more. We are all adults and on an equal footing - in other words, I'm done putting up with her crap! Since my mother's death my sister has really been clinging to family, particularly my son. I noticed that he was anxious about spending time with her but he was very close to my mum and was devastated by her death and I didn't want to push him. Eventually he opened up about why he was scared to spend time with my sister. She has always painted me black, I knew this yet for some reason I thought she wouldn't do this with my son? Wrong! She has been pouring poison in his ears - I'm a prostitute, I never wanted him, my partner pays me for sex, I abused her when we were children, on and on and on plus a whole load of really sexually inappropriate stuff. My son is thoroughly traumatised and I feel like an idiot for ever letting her near him. I guess I thought all her rage was purely directed at me and she wouldn't taint him with it? Whatever goes on in her head I'm sure she loves and values him, even if she despises me.


My younger sister and I have sacrificed a lot for her (whether we wished it or not) but it has taken this for me to cut off contact with her. I feel guilt like I have let my mother down but I also feel a lot of relief at not having to tiptoe around her and all her strange ways. I also feel sorry for her but I can't let that get to me. She has no such empathy for me.

It is so comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. Thank you  

[ljfrogg]

Hi there  

I've been reading here for a few weeks and it's helped me immensely already so I thought I'd say hello. My pwBPD is my older sister. She has always been difficult but things were continually smoothed over for the sake of my mother. My mother was a psychotherapist and very self aware and yet ... .  when it came to her first born, she still had trouble disengaging. I'm a mother myself so I can't exactly fault her for that but it certainly made things more difficult. I knew it would take something major for things to change.

Well, my mother died just before Xmas. There is no reason to smooth things over any more. We are all adults and on an equal footing - in other words, I'm done putting up with her crap! Since my mother's death my sister has really been clinging to family, particularly my son. I noticed that he was anxious about spending time with her but he was very close to my mum and was devastated by her death and I didn't want to push him. Eventually he opened up about why he was scared to spend time with my sister. She has always painted me black, I knew this yet for some reason I thought she wouldn't do this with my son? Wrong! She has been pouring poison in his ears - I'm a prostitute, I never wanted him, my partner pays me for sex, I abused her when we were children, on and on and on plus a whole load of really sexually inappropriate stuff. My son is thoroughly traumatised and I feel like an idiot for ever letting her near him. I guess I thought all her rage was purely directed at me and she wouldn't taint him with it? Whatever goes on in her head I'm sure she loves and values him, even if she despises me.


My younger sister and I have sacrificed a lot for her (whether we wished it or not) but it has taken this for me to cut off contact with her. I feel guilt like I have let my mother down but I also feel a lot of relief at not having to tiptoe around her and all her strange ways. I also feel sorry for her but I can't let that get to me. She has no such empathy for me.

It is so comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. Thank you  

[forgottenarm]

 

Hello ljfrogg and welcome 

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your mother's passing.  This must be a difficult time for all of you.

So it sounds like you're at a real crossroads with your sister.  I'm sure it must've been very upsetting to learn what she had been saying to your son.  My mom has BPD and I feel I walk a thin line trying to explain her to my children and prepare them, to some extent, while also not wanting to scare or overwhelm them.  All that plus the betrayal you must feel from your sister's actions.  I can see why you're upset.

It's good that you reached out for support.  I think you'll find many members here who can relate to your story.  There are also some outstanding readings.  Here's one you might find helpful right now:

The Five Stages of Discovery for Family Members

How is your sister handling your mom's death?  Do you think that her BPD behaviors escalated at all around that time?

[littlemermaid]

Hi ljfrogg

I can relate to how upsetting it is to lose your mother and then have an older sister tell complete lies to people  it doubles the grieving and I feel for you.

As for telling your son stories that is unforiveable.

Take care

[InaMinorRole]

At this point it's all about repairing the damage to your son, and helping him feel safe again. Next up: repairing the damage to YOU. That must have been a horrible thing to find out. Put sis on the back burner.