NC with DBPD ex wife but still love her

[Scott44]

My ex wife has cut off all contact with me.  She has found another person, a female singer and actress, to put on a pedestal.  There is nothing so powerful to an insecure male as a woman who idolizes him the way my wife did to me in the beginning.  And I feel like there is nothing so cruel than to completely devalue the man as my ex wife is doing now.

Any input or questions are welcome.

[Scott44]

Why do I still feel so much attachment to someone who battered me physically and emotionally?

[HarmKrakow]

Why do I still feel so much attachment to someone who battered me physically and emotionally?

Hi Scott! I would like to try to answer that question

I think, it's because of the (u)BPD person in your life was capable of filling in such a deep void within you, that when that feeling left, the pain you witnessed was a 1000x times more severe than you ever witnessed before. As during your period together you let her slip over your boundaries and forgot who you became, and then after the moment she went away, the void within you, the empty void was killing. Pain through the bone.

[Scott44]

And why do I feel so much guilt over "cheating" with another woman (over email and telephone), when I did so in order to compensate for my wife's devaluing of me?

[Scott44]

Thank you, Harmkrakow.

She did fill a void inside of me.  But how did the void get there?  I had a relatively 'normal' childhood (some physical abuse from my father, some difficulty in ever pleasing him).  And how to fill that void?  I know this is stupid but I have told myself that after one year of no contact with my ex wife I will reach out to her again if she hasn't reached out to me.  That is how 'addicted' I am to this DBPD woman!

[HarmKrakow]

Thank you, Harmkrakow.

She did fill a void inside of me.  But how did the void get there?  I had a relatively 'normal' childhood (some physical abuse from my father, some difficulty in ever pleasing him).  And how to fill that void?  I know this is stupid but I have told myself that after one year of no contact with my ex wife I will reach out to her again if she hasn't reached out to me.  That is how 'addicted' I am to this DBPD woman!

How it got there is a personal question. Every person has it's own 'personal holes' and when dating a BPD person, through the loving/idealization phase of her towards you, that void gets so intensely filled as ever before. Maybe it actually does get filled completely in comparison to a normal r/s where it might only get filled half.

That intense behavior is something you (and I 2 :P) have never witnessed before. That pure intense feeling of happiness, love, it sucked you right in. It screwed with our brains and the moment it left our body we wouldnt want anything else than THAT FEELING BACK!

Why? Because it's addictive. Same as drugs, alcohol, smokes, success, money, etc. It's the biological/physical reaction which a BPD person makes within your body. And that isn't a healthy one unfortunately ... .  

And the moment it left, we keep chasing the high ...

One reason why we keep being addicted is also because we let this person cross over our boundaries. And the moment that happened and when she left, we are uncertain of our own boundaries and we think that we can never get anything as HOT, SEXY, ATTRACTIVE, ever again in our bedroom. It's because we lost our own values, personal values and we can't distance rational from irrational behavior anymore.