Letter from my wife

[empathic]

I've tried to work with setting boundaries, not getting stuck in endless rants any longer, as well as detaching and trying to build up my own life. Trying to lessen the codependency by not always having to tell her what I'm going to do etc.

This apparently has had some effect as it has now resulted in a lengthy E-mail from her about how unhappy she is with our marriage and that she wants us to sit down and talk about how we think the relationship should be a year from now. If we should continue or get a D (the D word has come up during our last two arguments).

She starts the letter with saying that she doesn't want it to be judgmental with the next sentence telling me how indifferent I am to discussing these things with her. The rest of the letter is a mix of things she's unhappy with and a list of specific situations where she thinks I am at fault.

She says that I'm bad at communicating and lists some cases where she thinks the discussions do not get anywhere (my fault). I think we do reach decisions, but the problem is that she overturns them the next day. It's like she spends some time thinking about it, and feels that I'm trying to fool her into something. And she of course has veto power over everything.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to react to this letter. I'm thinking of suggesting a time to sit down a week from now, maybe out in a public place (to get the negative energy out of the house).

Any comments or suggestions would be welcome. Thanks for reading.

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[Auspicious]

How about "I'm really glad to hear this. I'd love to work on our relationship together. I've made an appointment with Dr. X for marriage counseling - our first appointment is at XX:XX on date Y."


Ideally, Dr. X is a clinical psychologist whom you have researched beforehand and who treats or at least has experience with personality disorders. Not that he/she will be treating or diagnosing her, but a background like that will be very helpful in this situation.

If she really wants to work on the relationship - as opposed to lambasting you and getting you to jump through hoops - then she should be willing to work with a marriage counselor.

[nothinleft]

I don't want to sound cavalier, but if she is truely BPD, NPD or whatever PD, she is probably very incapable of understanding much outside of the way she feels about things. Oh, she might sound empathetic, use all the right words and all that, but deep down she will only see things of importance the way that fits her thinking. That is a very difficult reality to fully accept, especially early on. But unless you come to terms with that FACT, you will be "scratching your head" alot. I have tried and tried to "explain" to my BPDW that you can understand another person with out necessarily agreeing with them-but to no avail, so I stopped, it didn't (couldn't) work. That is a key indication that she may have a PD, and that is what makes it soo difficult dealing with them. I wish you well at your meeting, and unless there is something I don't understand, in reality she does not have the veto power over everything. How can she-you're still alive.

[Grey Kitty]

I've tried to work with setting boundaries, not getting stuck in endless rants any longer, as well as detaching and trying to build up my own life. Trying to lessen the codependency by not always having to tell her what I'm going to do etc.

Sounds like you are on the right track!

This apparently has had some effect as it has now resulted in a lengthy E-mail from her about how unhappy she is with our marriage and that she wants us to sit down and talk about how we think the relationship should be a year from now. If we should continue or get a D (the D word has come up during our last two arguments).

I'm not surprised that she is affected. Have you read about extinction bursts in the lessons here yet?

She starts the letter with saying that she doesn't want it to be judgmental with the next sentence telling me how indifferent I am to discussing these things with her. The rest of the letter is a mix of things she's unhappy with and a list of specific situations where she thinks I am at fault... .  

So now I'm trying to figure out how to react to this letter.

First, just because she wrote it doesn't mean it is true. You know this, but a reminder doesn't hurt. There may also be some projection where she accuses you of things she is actually doing.

Second, and more importantly, just because she wrote something that is untrue or wrong doesn't mean that it will do any good at all to point out these "facts." (Instead it will be horribly invalidating, and just make your relationship worse.)

Third... .  validate, validate, validate. Especially for the things you don't agree with. Her feelings are real. Her hurts are real. You can validate the pain, even when she is hurt by something you didn't do.

If you have trouble validating something, just let it go and keep yourself from invalidating her by telling her how she misunderstood you or is otherwise wrong.

I think Auspicious has an excellent idea of involving a marriage counselor.

I personally found that the mirroring exercise from Imago therapy very helpful, and at least one other member here did as well. (For an overview, try this link)

[Steph]

How about "I'm really glad to hear this. I'd love to work on our relationship together. I've made an appointment with Dr. X for marriage counseling - our first appointment is at XX:XX on date Y."


Ideally, Dr. X is a clinical psychologist whom you have researched beforehand and who treats or at least has experience with personality disorders. Not that he/she will be treating or diagnosing her, but a background like that will be very helpful in this situation.

If she really wants to work on the relationship - as opposed to lambasting you and getting you to jump through hoops - then she should be willing to work with a marriage counselor.

  Yep... .  this is the track to take.


Its validating... you heard her. You agree that your marriage needs work.


You are also offering a suggestion for professional help, and with someone who gets BPD and can offer some true help.

[DivDad]

Most Blines are incapable of writing long letters.  They prefer verbal communication... .  or short hurtful text messages.

If she contradicts things in the letter, writing things that have a double meaning... .  then she might be Bline.

If you are constantly proving yourself in the relationship... .  never obtaining any equity in the marriage... .  then she is probably Bline.

If she lies and distorts the truth and reality... .  then she is probably Bline.

The list is long... .  but this is a start to asking yourself these questions.

[empathic]

Thanks for all your replies, they mean a lot to me.

@Auspicious: that's good advice, I'll definitely consider bringing this up if I feel the timing is right. I know beforehand that she wouldn't want this - if she'd think she would gain anything from it we'd been there already, believe me. I'll also try to research the options, as you say it would be necessary that the T has a background with these issues.

@nothinleft: you provide a good insight "... .  that you can understand another person without necessararily aggreing with them." That is right on the spot. She thinks that she is very empathic, but she does not have this ability. When she judges the actions of others she always does it with her own frame of reference, she cannot truly see things from "the other side".

@Grey Kitty: I've started reading the links you provided but need more time doing so, I've not gotten as much alone time recently as I need. When I got the letter my knee jerk reaction was to write back with quotes, pointing out that she views things in an entirely different way etc. But I just replied back that I do want to talk. I've come to realize that there is no point in trying to invalidate - as you say it just makes matter worse.

@Steph: Like I wrote above, I'll start exploring this route. She does not like starting T, but she got great benefit from the last time she went, so maybe I could convince her.

@DIVDAD: Certainly someone on the high-functioning end of the BPD spectrum must be able to compose long letters? I know that I've been reading several different psychology and relationship forums the last couple of years, but nowhere has my situation resonated as much as on this one.

[cal644]

The other day I received a manifesto text from my wife.  It really affected me as I read it with my heart the first time.  Then a great friend who also had an ex with BPD that has helped me alot told me to read it with my eye's the second time.  The second time I read it - the whole text was about her - her being the victim - my faults and why she is the victim - how I drove her to the affair and if the affair was the only reason for divorce how there must have been more cracks that I couldn't see.  I will give you the same advise as he gave me - read it with your eyes the second time - not with your heart.  I've started to realize that my eyes are the way to my truth about the situation... .  I have to detach my heart when I look at her actions, words, texts, and emotions.  This has helped me to see the real picture not what my heart wants to beleive.

[Grey Kitty]

EmpathicGuy,

You seem to have hit on two powerful truths here:

1. Your wife isn't going to like the things that help.

2. Your "natural" reaction tends to make things worse instead of better.

Keep working on your part of it. When you have some time, do read the lessons on this site (links in the right sidebar)