My sister

[Teatree]

I am not sure where to start, but I will write and see where this takes me.  I have a sister, two years younger than me.  Growing up we were close, she was very dependent on me both emotionally and always wanting to be with me whether I was going out with friends, she always wanted to come.  She has always had a violent temper, screaming and shouting etc.  don't get me wrong, I would shout too, but I was/am a calm person.  I thought her behavior was 'normal', and it has been a long time since we lived together.  Four years ago one of my beloved sons died from cancer - it was totally devastating.  About a year after my son's death my sister asked for help looking after her 16 year old bipolar son - I was not enthusiastic, she knew it,  but I said yes.  My sister was having surgery, but she did not want me to help her by taking care of her, but to look after her son - she knew I wasn't keen, and then she tore into me (by telephone) shouting at me, telling me that I am her sister and I should take care of her, that my son was dead and what about her, and more.  I was left speechless and crying.  I talked the next day to my therapist who was helping me with the grief I was suffering from with my son's death - I told her about the call - I told her that being around my sister was at times, like walking on eggshells - she told me about Borderline Personality Disorder.  My sister put me through five months of silent treatment, finally calling me and apologizing saying it was 'her'.  She denied though the comments about my son being dead and looking after her etc., it was like she had forgotten big parts of the conversation.  During the five months of silence she wrote to me a couple of times telling me how cold I was and creating events that were completely inaccurate.  But even since that time there have been other occasions when it is very difficult to talk to her without her being verbally abusive, silent treatments, making me doubt my memory on past situations etc.  I love my sister and I want her to be happy.  She is single with an adopted Bipolar son - very hard.  She has a successful career, but I am beginning to realize that her treatment of me is not just going to go away.  We have geography distance which helps, but she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her.  I mentioned BPD to her one time and she just laughed.  She wants me to go and visit, part of me wants too and part of me doesn't.  I realize too that I think her treatment of me has made me make decisions to always please others rather than thinking to of myself.  Sorry this all sounds disjointed, it is all very new to me.

[kelti1972]

Hi Teatree and Welcome:   First your mental health and physical health comes first, not hers or her sons.  You need to take care of you first.  If you are not ok you cannot realistically be there for anyone else.  If this means not taking care of her son, or not visiting her then that is your answer.  My swBPD also would forget things and tell me I was crazy and remembered things wrong.  This seems to be a trait of BPD.  Now I just say uh uh, don,t argue or try to tell him he is wrong, just know within myself.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son.  How devasting.  I do not think there is anything more painful then losing a child.  I lost my mother when I was four years old, my little brother, three sisters and a husband.  My husband and one sister died of cancer.  I think the loss of a child is the worse.  I am sure of it.  My son was assessed with BPD and now he says he took the test over and does not have it.  I don't believe it, and do not care.  I know thinks are not normal with him and I just keep learning about BPD and reading, coming to these boards, etc.  He can delude himself all he wants.  He will eventually have to come to grips with whatever his problem is.  I know these boards help me so much and just get here when I can.  There is so much good here and I can relate to most of it. You are in good company here.  Kelti

[Teatree]

Thank you Kelti - your response really helped me a lot.  I have lived for so long thinking that it was ok for my sister to treat me the way she has - it is going to take time for me to realize that how she handled things was wrong - her rages at times are so scary.  I am going to have to learn to say 'no' at that when I do, that's ok - I am not being mean.

I am so sorry for all your losses - so devastating.

[kelti1972]

Teatree:  Your so welcome.  There is a pamphlet at naranon 12-step, that I have read everyday at times about saying no and being detached.  It is a purple or pink pamphlet.  I think you could go online under naranon and find it and get it.  It helped me soo much with saying no, and detaching with love.  If you cannot get one I could and sent it to you.  Let me know.  Kelti