Is that crunching eggshells I feel?

[Blazing Star]

After such a long stretch my pwBPD has been triggered and seems is unable to deal with it in his usual way, it is getting the better of him. He has an aura of prickliness around him, snappy, little tolerance with the kids and not so pleasant towards me.

I want to do things differently. But I am not sure how to do this. This morning he slammed his yoga mat ( i know) on the floor with violence and shouted at D3, who had been 'pushing' him. I, in reflex said loudly and sharply to him to him "Calm Down!". He yelled at me for shouting at him and stormed out.

My feelings are I want to leave, run, not deal with it/him.

In the past I would be 'nice' and understanding, but not talk about my feelings. This time I want to talk about how it feels to be on eggshells around him. I realise neither of these urges may be appropriate.

So I guess my question is can I have some reminders about how to deal with this, how for me not to feel those eggshells. Is there someway I can meet my need for expressing my feelings at the same time? Practical ideas about how not to fall back in to codep ways, and about how to let him have his feelings without feeling crappy myself?

Thank you!

Love Blazing Star

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[yeeter]

Hugs blaze

 

Will give some more thought... .  But first things first.

Are you taking care of yourself?  (are you tired, hungry, stressed?)

Do you have other friends or family to talk to?  Are you connecting with them regularly?

Finally, tell US how it feels to walk on the eggshells.  It will be good to write it out... .  Let it rip... .  

[123Phoebe]

Hi Blazing Star,

I guess try to keep in mind that it's the behavior, not the man that you're feeling crappy about.  Do you know what's triggered him?

I'm a big advocate for SET:

I realize such and such is going on and that it must feel very hard to deal with... .    I didn't feel safe or comfortable with the yoga mat being slammed down and it's not the environment I want our children raised in.  I will always advocate for them.  If it happens again I will xyz... .  (your boundary).

Be strong with the emphasis on the unwanted behavior and maybe tweak it a bit, as you're better at softening up the blows than I am  

[waverider]

Has this been building, or is out of the blue?

[Truth in Ruin]

LOL!, love the title.

[Grey Kitty]

So I guess my question is can I have some reminders about how to deal with this, how for me not to feel those eggshells.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

The problem with eggshells is not that they break... .  it is that you think you should be able to walk over them without breaking them!

Is there someway I can meet my need for expressing my feelings at the same time?

Do you need to be heard by SOMEBODY and express your feelings? We are all here and feel for you. Perhaps you have another friend you can talk to face-to-face as well?

Do you really need him to understand your feelings? That is a pretty tall order for a pwBPD. If you do need this, I think 123Phoebe's recommendation of SET is a good one.

My feelings are I want to leave, run, not deal with it/him.

In the past I would be 'nice' and understanding, but not talk about my feelings. This time I want to talk about how it feels to be on eggshells around him. I realise neither of these urges may be appropriate.

Listen to yourself. You know enough to question those urges. It is good to see them, and then good to say to yourself... .  self, I don't think that's a good idea

One of my big lessons was that I want to talk about something which bothers me because I want to improve my situation. There are plenty of things which would feel good to say... .  and might even work with an emotionally healthy person... .  but I know that they wouldn't get a response that I want to see, or at least wouldn't with my wife. So I re-think and re-consider, and find a way to say something that *will* help. If I'm drawing a blank on making it better, I at least try not to make it worse!

[waverider]

Remember

At times nothing works

At times we feel paralysed, feel down, going backwards, and stuff up the ability to do what we know we should

And that is FINE, accept that as human and normal, dont beat yourself up about it.

Find some space, tomorrow, next week, next month or however long it takes to become stable, is another day. Stuff can wait.

[yeeter]

One of my big lessons was that I want to talk about something which bothers me because I want to improve my situation.

There are plenty of things which would feel good to say... .  and might even work with an emotionally healthy person... .  but I know that they wouldn't get a response that I want to see, or at least wouldn't with my wife.

So I re-think and re-consider, and find a way to say something that *will* help.

If I'm drawing a blank on making it better, I at least try not to make it worse!

Truer words were never written.  This is the maturity that is required to stay.  Blaze... .  you got this!  I know you can work through it!   

At the same time as Wave/Grey states, OF COURSE you want to share and speak your mind.  Its basic human nature, and its not healthy to repress it.  So you need an outlet for this - and unfortunately it wont be productive delivered to your preferred target.

Its our own responsibility to prevent a feeling of resentment from building.  I find this is the hardest thing at times.

So tell it to a friend.  Post it here.  Tell it to your dog/cat.  Let it out on a tree in the backyard.  If there is a nice cement post in your basement... .  have at it (Im sure the cement post wont mind).

Dont beat yourself up (guess what, you are human!).  Be sure to take care of yourself (personally, I find more sleep to be a huge help in dealing, but then I dont get the recommended minimum so can get a bit strung out). 

Take care of yourself... .  

[Blazing Star]

Thanks everyone!

Are you taking care of yourself?  (are you tired, hungry, stressed?)

Do you have other friends or family to talk to?  Are you connecting with them regularly?

Finally, tell US how it feels to walk on the eggshells.  It will be good to write it out... .  Let it rip... .  

Yeets thank you. I am taking pretty good care of me. A little tired with 5 month old, but still got the good mama hormones keeping me happy and energised for the most part.

But I haven't been connecting with friends as much as i could. I spent the afternoon with a friend today who knows abput the BPD.

Hmmm, how does it feel... .  anxious and tight. And my fears are thar I fall back into old ways of being - feeling supressed, withdrawing and not practicing emotional intimacy. Instead of feeling anxious I want to say "hey baby, I can see you have got some stuff going on, I'm not enjoying how it making me feel, so I am going to make myself scarse for a few days while you do what you need to do"... .  I have been working on recognising and expressing my own needs, so there is something in there about my needs too... .  

I realize such and such is going on and that it must feel very hard to deal with... .   I didn't feel safe or comfortable with the yoga mat being slammed down and it's not the environment I want our children raised in.  I will always advocate for them.  If it happens again I will xyz... .  (your boundary).

Thanks Pheebs, I really like your SET, but I am lost for a boundary if it happens again... .  I am not sure that I have one. Hmmm.

Has this been building, or is out of the blue?

Wave, it feels out of the blue, he hit his first slump in months after returning from a 3 week holiday by himself. Then things went back to the new normal (ie not BPD), then last week he got triggered - not sure exactly what, but in expressing some intimacy needs of mine I think it may have translated into "You are not good enough"... .  ?

So for the last week he has been moody and snappy.

One of my big lessons was that I want to talk about something which bothers me because I want to improve my situation. There are plenty of things which would feel good to say... .  and might even work with an emotionally healthy person... .  but I know that they wouldn't get a response that I want to see, or at least wouldn't with my wife. So I re-think and re-consider, and find a way to say something that *will* help. If I'm drawing a blank on making it better, I at least try not to make it worse!

I totally hear you Grey. For me 'making nice' is my defaolt, which isn't always the healthiest. So I  try to get in touch with the things that would feel good to say before they get suppressed. And neither making nice nor saying those things is going to help my situation right now. I really want to do things differently to my default, but I am struggling with that. And yes I definitely don't want to make it worse!

So i wonder if that is partly what is going here? Trying to strike a balance between not making nice, expressing my feelings, but doing so in a BPD friendly way while still being compassionate ... .  

It feeels a bit like a pendulum, and my tolerance for the BPD stuff has lessened since it has gotten better.

At times we feel paralysed, feel down, going backwards, and stuff up the ability to do what we know we should

And that is FINE, accept that as human and normal, dont beat yourself up about it.

Yup. A little paralysed.

Breathing in human, breathing out normal! Thanks wave.

So looking back at what I just wrote, I feel like the bolded bit is where I am at, and I realise that it is a pretty tall order to strike that balance right now, and that I am indeed human. Going to ponder this for a while - thank you for all your thought provoking replies everyone!

Love Blazing Star

[Blazing Star]

Truer words were never written.  This is the maturity that is required to stay.  Blaze... .  you got this!  I know you can work through it!   

Dont beat yourself up (guess what, you are human!). 

Thanks Yeets! I cross posted with your last reply. I like that we came to similar conclusions ie my default of repressing is not healthy and I am human! Going to keep thinking on this one.

Love Blazing Star

[Grey Kitty]

Blaze,

I'm remembering something I was told by a great spiritual teacher once.

The truly awful, horrible thing about the teachings was that they were right. He really WANTED to do things even though he knew better. He knew if he acted against them, he would later regret it. He knew it because he had done it that way many times before, and had come to regret it each time. But he still WANTED to do it the other way!

So give yourself a big hug and a lot of credit for having this much wisdom yourself! You do know what will make things better and what will make them worse. And you know that it isn't easy. And you know that this really really REALLY sucks!

I think we all start to get used to things improving and get blindsided when our partner starts to get more difficult again.

Just keep breathing in and breathing out. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Grey Kitty and Blazing Star,

Thanks for your posts... very very enlightening, sometimes the penny drops further... your words took a load of guilt off me, and made me feel a whole lot better...

I hear ya!

[arabella]

Blazing Star,

I was following this thread with great interest as your situation really resonated with me. Now I'm curious, after you had a chance to think on it a little more, did you come up with any further thoughts on the matter?

Trying to strike a balance between not making nice, expressing my feelings, but doing so in a BPD friendly way while still being compassionate ... .  

Did you find a way to do this? ^

[Blazing Star]

Blazing Star,

I was following this thread with great interest as your situation really resonated with me. Now I'm curious, after you had a chance to think on it a little more, did you come up with any further thoughts on the matter?

Trying to strike a balance between not making nice, expressing my feelings, but doing so in a BPD friendly way while still being compassionate ... .  

Did you find a way to do this? ^

Hhhmmm, well I feel much better about it all. And I did manage to express my feelings in a BPD friendly way, kept a strong emotional boundary when I did so, validated his feelings, used I statements for mine. And after we talked I initiated some physical intimacy - which I have never done after such a conversation. For me doing that felt like breaking the mold of our usual ways of being, validated him, validated our relationship, and felt good for me too 

So I am working on it.

I never said a boundary re the slamming yoga mat, just didn't back down when he (in a veiled kind of way) threatened to leave if I wouldn't "let" him raise his voice to our children. I stayed strong in my "You can raise your voice, I know how hard it is sometimes not to. If there are times when I see it as aggressive or violent in front of the children I will step in". And repeated that so it was clear that yes, this was a deal breaker for me.

The whole conversation was very rational, calm, and quite 'normal', I was using the tools, but that felt natural to me, and he was working well with them too.

I am remembering too, that I need to be in a good space to deal with him! I need to feel validated (not necessarily by him), I need to be meeting my own needs etc.

My T also reminded me of emotional boundaries - not taking everything in, rather letting it wash over me, to see others' feelings as theirs (even if they are feelings they have about me, they are not necessarily my truth). Remembering this lessens my desire to "make nice".

Thanks for asking arabella, good to reflect on this!

Love Blazing Star

[arabella]

Thanks so much for following up with that, Blazing Star! I really like how you approached the situation. You sound happier, more satisfied, in this most recent post. I'm trying to use experiences like yours to teach myself how to handle things better so thank you for the inspiration! And congratulations on this recent success! 

[briefcase]

My T also reminded me of emotional boundaries - not taking everything in, rather letting it wash over me, to see others' feelings as theirs (even if they are feelings they have about me, they are not necessarily my truth). Remembering this lessens my desire to "make nice".

Sounds like you have a really great T!    And I'm glad to hear you handled this so well.