"EVERYTHING is always wrong."

[ApChagi1]

This statement from my diagnosed BPD wife was how my weekend began last week.  I did my best to validate her feelings on this, and offered several things that may make her feel better:

Me:  "How about I make you some eggs for breakfast?"

Her:  "I have an upset stomach, which you would know if you ever paid attention to me.  Why would I want eggs when my stomach is upset?"

Me:  "Ok, how about you take a shower, and I brush your hair and massage your shoulders afterwards?"  (She only showers every 7-10 days because she feels "too exposed" in the shower.  Ironically, she spends much of the day nude around the house when I am at work).

Her:  "I don't feel like showering."

Me:  "I could make you a nice relaxing cup of tea."

Her: "I don't want tea." 

Sigh.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do and it is crushing my soul.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ScornedNForlorn]

I think we have all been there at one time or another. Be sure not to take it personally. And continue to post and read on the boards. You will find support here.

[Auspicious]

Please do read the Lessons. You will get some good insight and ideas.


In this case, the thing to accept is that you can't make her feel better. Ultimately, she is responsible for her feelings, not you.


What if it had gone like this?

Me:  "How about I make you some eggs for breakfast?"

Her:  "I have an upset stomach, which you would know if you ever paid attention to me.  Why would I want eggs when my stomach is upset?"

Me:  "Ok, how about you take a shower, and I brush your hair and massage your shoulders afterwards?"  (She only showers every 7-10 days because she feels "too exposed" in the shower.  Ironically, she spends much of the day nude around the house when I am at work).

Her:  "I don't feel like showering."

Me:  "I could make you a nice relaxing cup of tea."

Her: "I don't want tea." 

[ApChagi1]

Very good points.  Thank you.

[andywho]

Please do read the Lessons. You will get some good insight and ideas.


In this case, the thing to accept is that you can't make her feel better. Ultimately, she is responsible for her feelings, not you.


What if it had gone like this?

Me:  "How about I make you some eggs for breakfast?"

Her:  "I have an upset stomach, which you would know if you ever paid attention to me.  Why would I want eggs when my stomach is upset?"

Me:  "Ok, how about you take a shower, and I brush your hair and massage your shoulders afterwards?"  (She only showers every 7-10 days because she feels "too exposed" in the shower.  Ironically, she spends much of the day nude around the house when I am at work).

Her:  "I don't feel like showering."

Me:  "I could make you a nice relaxing cup of tea."

Her: "I don't want tea." 

I recommend what Auspicious did here.

For years i have been doing what Apchagi is doing and stopped doing it around the summer 2012. I stopped trying to force it... trying to please her in every way.

And i still do nice things for her... .  but i dont force it upon her. I offer or ask her once and if she dont want it i leave it be and carry along. I have been surprised many a time when she after a little while change her mind and ask for it.

[ScornedNForlorn]

I can attest to what andywho is saying, and that would be in just a few days I trying to practice this behavior with my BPD wife.  Keeping my own distance in a short time has forced her to take better accountability for herself.  It's hard when we are used to making the effort to fix things to keep the blow ups from occurring, but in all reality it's just not helpful for either of you.  Continue to offer support, but find an effective way to communicate what you are willing to do, and if its not accepted, just move on for yourself in terms of knowin you tried to help and it was rejected and that's ok for everyone involved.