Thankgoodness for the stuff I have read here. What an afternoon...

[somuchlove]

As I was reading yet another book about BPD, I get this phone call from my BPD dd.  she was hesterical.  Totally out of control.  She has been going through a lot, as i have posted before.  I was trying so hard to do everything I have learned.  Oh it is so hard.  Because they are going a mile a minute, screaming over the phone, totally out of control.  I guess I said something that she took as questioning her telling the truth.  As I look back now I can see that but it always amazes me how the cue in on one word, in all their hesteria.  If I was going on like she was I would not be able to even hear one word someone is saying.  She of course ended up saying she couldn't live this way, etc etc... .    hung up, then called again.  I tried so hard to not appologize or try to clearify what I had said.

She then text me saying fine,  since i wasn't on her side, she would not come here, she would just move out to where ex. is going.  I just text her said i love her and if she wanted to talk more to call me after work.  Well sure enough she did.  Again, she was ok for a moment and then cried and cried.  My heart breaks.  She has so much love for her children and so wants the right things.  BPD just gets in the way of her relationships with certain people.  Her close friends love her to death and she is wonderful for them as they are for her.  Then she becomes more and more upset and all the past comes out.  I ask her a question about custody of the 2 older ones and if ex. moved without them, etc.  I made the mistake of saying visitation instead of shared custody,  Not a clue why i used that word, didn't even remember but man she jumped on that like crazy, then all the other things that she thinks i have done against her. 

It is very hard when they are so contradictory.  I think they really don't know at this point how they feel.  One moment she is so angry at bf, made he hates her she knows his family hates her,  and she has done nothing wrong. 

Then bf walked in the house and she calmed down a little,  I was hoping to keep her on the phone long enough so that perhaps she could calm down.  She was going to go to a hotel, maybe call the police on him,  don't know why, etc.  She did stop talking so upset when he walked in the door.  I don't know why  but it was like I was talking to a normal person.  Oh how horrible this BPD is.  We ended up laught about stuff, she tells me how her boss wants to meet us and the stories she tells them about being a kid.  I told her to think about whether she wanted us to come out next week or not.  I knew better than to ask when she was so upset.  I gave her options and to talk to me tomorrow as she had had a really rough day.  It is so heart breaking cause I know she is excited we are coming and yet, not sure she really wants the stress.  If she comes here in a few weeks to get away then we sure could use the money we'd save. 

A couple years ago I would have just been totally out of control myself.  I know this is not good and there will be a lot more with this situation but at least I understand her emtions.   

WHAT IS SO HARD TO DEAL WITH FOR ME IS      I can't just take her and help her.  I don't want to deal with this.  I want her to be ok so I can just not worry all the time.  I am better at this but it never goes away.     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JulySky]

SoMuchLove:  You "made the mistake of saying visitation instead of shared custody . . ."    What?

You "knew better than to ask when she was so upset . . "  OooKaaay?

As for me, I tripped and fell, slammed my face into a door and gave myself a black eye on my way to the kitchen.

If you have any precious time, which is doubtful because you're dealing with this sad situation, but if you do, please read your post back to yourself.

And focus on your last paragraph.

[somuchlove]

   JulySky

I just re read my last paragraph.  I first thought,  Oh my gosh what did I write? 

I am in a better place now with all of this but still looking for that magic pill, words, or something that will make this all better.  BPD takes away happy lives for so many wonderful people.  Our dd had a good childhood, but it sure has taken a toll on our whole family.  AS I said, I am just so tired of having this in the back of my mind.  But thankful for the wonderful people here and the books I have read. 

I am so glad to have suggestions and words that I could use to hel

Blahhhhhhh ! ! ! ! 

[pattyt]

WHAT IS SO HARD TO DEAL WITH FOR ME IS      I can't just take her and help her.  I don't want to deal with this.  I want her to be ok so I can just not worry all the time.  I am better at this but it never goes away.     

Am I missing something here?  This is exactly how I am feeling at this time, as well, having just had an equally horrible afternoon with my dd.  Somuchlove, I'm sorry it has been hard for you, too.

[somuchlove]

    pattyt

It must be the weather.      I guess we have to find some reason.    I am sorry that you had a rough afternoon as well.

I am reading the book "Loving Someone with borderline Personality Disorderz" by Shari Y. Manning.

I have read a couple other good books but this seems to put it all in a simple easy to understand way.  OR, maybe I am just finally getting some of it and it is making more sense, I don't know?

But I wanted to say to my BPD dd,  wait,  I am not on that chapter yet?  Actually , I am now reading with much speed trying to get through the book as I am going to talk again tomorrow with my dd and I want to be even more prepared.  We are also planning on flying out next week to visit.  Not sure yet if we are or aren't going to go. 

Hugs to you and hope you are ok.

[qcarolr]

I am reading the book "Loving Someone with borderline Personality Disorderz" by Shari Y. Manning.

I have read a couple other good books but this seems to put it all in a simple easy to understand way.  OR, maybe I am just finally getting some of it and it is making more sense, I don't know?

It comes to us gradually as we make ourselves do things - think things -  in new ways. Then one day we realize that we are having to 'think' less when communicating with our kids. Will always say the 'wrong' thing - yet maybe those slips allow us to express our true feelings. We do have real feeling too.

Lately I have found myself absorbed in my running away fantasy - the current version is a small cabin in the mountains (with electricity and water and satellite internet), alone. I can do whatever the moment calls for with no one calling my various names - mom, wife, grandma, business manager. I can read uninterrupted and write and not worry about remembering others names that I am trying to reach out to in my new faith community. And I have shared this with dh, and he has become able to just listen - or to ask if he gets visitation.

What is your running away fantasy? I think we all need one.

qcr  

[pattyt]

What is your running away fantasy? I think we all need one.

qcr  

Mine is in some sort of monastery sort of building.  Not sure why.  I'm not religious but perhaps it is the seclusion that is attractive. 

It is an old building with thick walls.  The room is small and dark and cool and quiet.  The single window is shaded/screened by shrubs.  I can't see beyond the curtain of green and dappled sunlight, and don't want to.  The walls are whitewashed.  Smooth stone floor.  The room is spartanly furnished.  Single woodframe bed with smooth white cotton sheets and covers.  There is a definite lack of bright colors.  There might be a desk or picture on the wall or some other sort of simple decor, but the picture is only mildly interesting.  Something I can stare at without having to think about it.

I suppose I should add an adjoining bathroom but I haven't gotten that far yet.

[somuchlove]

    Oh my  i love the thoughts here.  Made me smile, which we all need to do for sure.  I am going to work on my place.  It sounds pretty good.  I have way more time even with my job since my children are all grown but feel I have no time.  I need a place to go to really give myself that mental rest.  I think it is hard to do that.  The guilt we may feel for taking time for ourselves is sometime tough. 


Wishing everyone a good place to go for a little while, at least. 

[jellibeans]

okay I am glad others have a run away fantasy ... .  I  have two... one long term and one short term

short... .  catching the redeye to vegas and spending the whole weekend seeing shows and eating out and gambling... .  just having a blast... .  

long... .  moving to Italy and finding work in venice doing some tourist job... .  finding a little studio where i can paint during my off time.

I geel better already... .