I told her, Iam not scared of the truth and she looked scared

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Had an interesting episode with exBPD today. Long story short, we have a 'nesting' arrangement with the kids which has been working out okay on my end as it is the new normal. She is gone 90% of the time with her part time job, school and new bfs. Yesterday she was served papers to have a hearing on losing custody for stepson 13 which I look after as I do my own (exBPD and I have three).

Now she wants to play 'mommy' and stay home more. And in doing so she let me know she wants to integrate her new circle of friends into the family which means the kids will meet 'him'. They already have but as 'she' had proposed in our original arrangement there will be none of that in the family home. I laid down the law and let her know I intend on asserting myself and expect her to keep that promise. Surprisingly I won because in reality she has no choice. Its my house.

So in the course of our conversation I let her know I am not afraid of telling everyone, including both our families, the full truth on why we are splitting. Her reasoning always has been because of so-and-so I dated before we even met. Okay I am not proud of having dated her. Theres more to it as exBPD didnt know it at the time and she knew the other girl. Yet she chose to stay with me after she found out because in her own words, "I have never felt this way about anyone", meaning me. "We will make it through"... .  yada yada, insert the usual BPD excuses here they are all the same. We were in the idealization stage so it didnt matter what I had done at that time, she was staying with me.

I told her I am not afraid to tell anyone the truth as to why we cant be married, her words, "its no ones' business"  "Why would you tell people" I agreed it isnt anybodies business but those affected by it, meaning the kids. When I mentioned the kids I said not now but when they get older, they have a right to know why the marriage failed. When I mentioned the kids knowing, her eyes reflected genuine pain and fear. I dont think I have ever seen it to the degree I saw it then.

I am a little baffled. I know we are not splitting for the reasons she cites but why is the thought of people knowing the truth such a big deal to her? I totally had not expected that reaction. I was not trying to threaten or hurt her. I am being totally honest and thats all. Is she really aware that her excuse holds no water?

I know her excuse is completely bogus but never thought she would care if people believed it or not. It is what it is. If its good enough reason to get a divorce then its good enough reason to tell people. Plus I told her it was my doing, it would make me look bad. Why would you care? She had no real response. Just that empty stare.


If I wanted to really hurt her, I have had plenty enough chances already

(She refuses to believe she has BPD btw)

[slimmiller]

Had an interesting episode with exBPD today. Long story short, we have a 'nesting' arrangement with the kids which has been working out okay on my end as it is the new normal. She is gone 90% of the time with her part time job, school and new bfs. Yesterday she was served papers to have a hearing on losing custody for stepson 13 which I look after as I do my own (exBPD and I have three).

Now she wants to play 'mommy' and stay home more. And in doing so she let me know she wants to integrate her new circle of friends into the family which means the kids will meet 'him'. They already have but as 'she' had proposed in our original arrangement there will be none of that in the family home. I laid down the law and let her know I intend on asserting myself and expect her to keep that promise. Surprisingly I won because in reality she has no choice. Its my house.

So in the course of our conversation I let her know I am not afraid of telling everyone, including both our families, the full truth on why we are splitting. Her reasoning always has been because of so-and-so I dated before we even met. Okay I am not proud of having dated her. Theres more to it as exBPD didnt know it at the time and she knew the other girl. Yet she chose to stay with me after she found out because in her own words, "I have never felt this way about anyone", meaning me. "We will make it through"... .  yada yada, insert the usual BPD excuses here they are all the same. We were in the idealization stage so it didnt matter what I had done at that time, she was staying with me.

I told her I am not afraid to tell anyone the truth as to why we cant be married, her words, "its no ones' business"  "Why would you tell people" I agreed it isnt anybodies business but those affected by it, meaning the kids. When I mentioned the kids I said not now but when they get older, they have a right to know why the marriage failed. When I mentioned the kids knowing, her eyes reflected genuine pain and fear. I dont think I have ever seen it to the degree I saw it then.

I am a little baffled. I know we are not splitting for the reasons she cites but why is the thought of people knowing the truth such a big deal to her? I totally had not expected that reaction. I was not trying to threaten or hurt her. I am being totally honest and thats all. Is she really aware that her excuse holds no water?

I know her excuse is completely bogus but never thought she would care if people believed it or not. It is what it is. If its good enough reason to get a divorce then its good enough reason to tell people. Plus I told her it was my doing, it would make me look bad. Why would you care? She had no real response. Just that empty stare.


If I wanted to really hurt her, I have had plenty enough chances already

(She refuses to believe she has BPD btw)

[marbleloser]

"I know we are not splitting for the reasons she cites but why is the thought of people knowing the truth such a big deal to her?"

Because she can no longer hide behind her mask.It's devastating to some people for others to hear the "truth".They live behind a false persona.If you're going through divorce,you can use this to your advantage in mediation,if you play it right.