The peaceful days sucked me in then blammo.

[elemental]

Had talk with BPD. He wanted to talk. Had a couple of calm days. He occupied himself with real life instead of that game over the weekend.

Went well for us. He had a number of blow outs with his ex. The lady is becoming even more controlling about his access to the children. Basically if he doesn't fall into line with what she wants,( come back and marry her, he refuses)  no access to the kids.

He has no money and can't fight it out custody in court. I am seeing bits and pieces of bitterness come out and he is openly agreeing that fathers are given a rough deal over kids with ex's.

Anyway today, he appeared. I felt we were being on good terms and I asked him what he was up to. Well, he said, he had arrived to let me know that he had originally planned to be around the kids today, but thwarted, he was going to play his game. Then he showed me an ingame mail he had sent out telling everyone he was planning a special activity for all of them. He wanted to have some fun!

So at this point of just sort of playing, in the last week he has been trying to pump up enthusiasm among people to allow him to be a leader now and he was taking leadership by making the game fun for internet woman and her friends and people he knows.

I said ok. I could feel myself getting that panic/anxiety thing. It's getting worse now that he said he has no intention of taking the steps I asked and instead has decided to do it even more and actually be the person who keeps it all going.

So I said I would exit the game ( in an attempt to remove myself from the problem).

And I left. After a while he starts in on me about how he isn't doing anything wrong and I am attacking him by telling him ( last week) that I don't like it.

I don't like it. I should know better at this point, but he started trying to debate and I started JADEing trying to tell him how I was just moving away from it while he was doing it because I find it hurtful... next thing I know I am talking way too much, he is tell me to shut the f*** up. Didn't go well. I guess he still thinks we are together because he dumped me again. Then he tells me to gtfo ( my house haha).

Argument. Why can't I keep my cool. I know the tools, I know it all ends badly if I try to tell him what I need or want. I feel like he came skipping over from arguing with his ex and just kind of assaulted me by getting in my face and telling me all about what he was going to do to make the thing I asked him to STOP doing even more in my face.

I feel like he took his ugly stuff out on me. He hadn't even planned on being around today, so I was surprised to see him and almost immediately I knew it wouldn't be good. I actually felt my hands starting to shake as soon as I saw him.

I honestly feel he knows exactly how hurtful I find his actions. I think he knows I am trying to avoid all of it. And it's getting bigger and bigger, I mean he is escalating what he is doing. I can't keep up, can't heal fast enough, can't sort it in my head.

I finally told him, would love to be here for you. I really want to. But THAT behavior, knowingly doing something hurtful and creating events that he knows are part of what hurts me... no more. I refuse to be there anymore with him and validate and support him and work to overcome what he has done so much of while he is continuing to do it.

I know I have been over all of that here before. I am trying to really protect myself. I guess I kind of feel it is one thing when BPD is so caught up that they do things kind of like firing off in hurtful ways. But to KNOW the problem I have, to KNOW it is hurtful. To have asked for it to be minimized, get told he KNOWS how I feel but I just need to change my values and not get in his way because he can't give up ramping up his actions...

Well I realize I was told here that he has an obsession. I didn't do anything to him today and he showed up and made sure I was aware and he watched my hurt and knew I disagreed.

Is this really BPD action? It seems pretty vile.

I ended with telling him he can do what he wants, but I am no longer making myself available as long as it continues since I need someone who is supportive to me and as long as he is doing all of those things, he cannot be supportive to me.

Can't. Won't. Am I just bearing the brunt of his struggle with his ex?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

No matter why he's doing it, you need not to be subjected to it any more.  That's become so clear as you've posted about this pattern of behavior.  And as you point out, he is escalating it.

You set a boundary & if you deliver on it, things should get better -- for you.  Stating the boundary isn't JADEing.  Explaining why you are doing so, sure, but I think most people probably slip over that line in explaining a first time boundary.

This boundary seems super smart to me.  Though won't you still feel bad if he informs you he is having XYZ interaction w/internet woman?  How about that being part of the boundary too -- you are stepping out of the game and you don't want to hear about it?

It would be fascinating to see how much of the behavior dies down if you aren't going to see it.  If he plays the game with internet woman in the forest and you aren't there to know about it, did it really happen? ... .  I wonder if it will get a lot less interesting to him.

[elemental]

talked to him again. he accused me of threatening him. I said I don't feel it is a threat. you can do as you like. If I am uncomfortable, I just won't be here until I am.

He got mad and threw in my face a number of things about how badly I behaved last summer. You know after finding out about baby, the lies, my sister killing herself, my mother probably dying, him playing head games with me over internet woman,  gaslight... I know it all sounds like me having an excuse for having melt downs. I am in a better place now.

He also tossed out the one about the game money. Even after he read all of those msn discussions we had back then, where it is CLEAR I did no such thing, he is beating me up for it and he literally told me how ungrateful and critical I was to him. This stuff factually did not happen. I don't know even remotely how to address these accusations, and I am tired out on validating. I need a break from the every day disputes over things I never even did. it's a constant effort to validate without saying "if I thought that, I would feel that way too. " he catches on that I am not agreeing that it happened and smacks me around some more. I can't seem to succeed atm.

The game has player to player combat. When one side wins they get it posted on a webpage. It is stored there forever about. Like years and years. All you have to do is going there and look at the posting and it says who was there and did what. Everyone involved.

I think at this point it really is best for me not to even look. Even though typically everyone is always looking at those postings. I told him. Just do what you want. I said I had tried to show will for him and do as he has been asking me and he said he never asked for a thing ( fib) and I don't do it anyway.

He was MAD and it just turned into false accusations, bullying, threatening to leave, and mocking me.

I said it wasn't helping... but as it turned out I made him do it by being so terrible to deal with.

I said sure, ok.

Situation is degrading day by day. Hopefully he will go off and occupy himself and I can have some peace.

[Rockylove]

You set a boundary & if you deliver on it, things should get better -- for you.  Stating the boundary isn't JADEing.  Explaining why you are doing so, sure, but I think most people probably slip over that line in explaining a first time boundary.

I sort of did the same thing in explaining my motive for the boundary.  I know now for the future that less is more and I just have to keep working at it  

Just to understand you correctly... .  he showed up at your place to play a game with people that you are uncomfortable with?  If I understand this correctly, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him that he can play his game elsewhere!  Is the game something that you're willing to give up so that you don't have the constant reminder of what he's doing?  After all... .  it's a game and he's playing his trump cards on you!

[123Phoebe]

Can't. Won't. Am I just bearing the brunt of his struggle with his ex?

Hey Elemental,

Could be?  Maybe it hurts him just as badly that his ex is 'playing games' with when and where and under what conditions he can see his children.  So he 'plays games' and you act out his feelings.  Nobody wins and everything stays the same; a big old loop of dysfunction.

The thing is, healthy 'fathers' take the necessary steps to ensure that they have rights to see their kids.  They take their ex's to court and do whatever they have to do for the safety and wellbeing of their children.  If they don't have the money, they secure a better paying job, or 2 or 3.  Or what about a court appointed attorney?  There are all kinds of people out there in financial crisis.  They don't sit around and bit*h about it, talking about all the ways they can't do what's necessary, IF it's important to them.  Grown ups do what they have to do to protect their children.

Maybe I'm throwing my own values into this.  There's just so much going on here.  If he stopped playing the game, would he still be a guy riddled with problems?  Still not cleaning up his side of the street and blaming everyone else for his woes?  While creating more of them... .  ?

I feel like he took his ugly stuff out on me. He hadn't even planned on being around today, so I was surprised to see him and almost immediately I knew it wouldn't be good. I actually felt my hands starting to shake as soon as I saw him.

All of his problems are his, they're not yours.  Don't let him dump them in your lap.  By being available for any of his nonsense, it gives him the go ahead to continue on with it.  When your hands were shaking just by the sight of him, that was a good indication to erect a HUGE boundary~  'Not today.  Can't handle it.  Got my own stuff to deal with today.'  And mean it.

Try to take really good care of yourself, Elemental.  Really good care.  Get in touch with your values.  And remember that we cannot control what another person does.  Sometimes it's hard enough controlling ourselves.  That's where our focus needs to be.  On ourselves

     

[connect]

Hi Elemental,

Wow he really is putting you through the mill... .  You are still reeling from the last blow and then he delivers more at a higher weight - nice! And so typical. Mine does very similar things - I had three biggies on the trot once in the space of a few days - my head was spinning because I was still focused on number one and he had already dished out numbers two and three. I have noticed that I get "attacked" like this when he feels guilty/bad about something HE'S done. He seems to up the ante to provoke me. I get a sense that they want you to feel their rage/feelings for them.

It sounds like yours is also mixed up with a gaming addiction too which confuses it somewhat as some of his intententions are towards the game rather than "internet woman" He doesnt seem to be able to connect his actions with your hurt even though he SAYS he understands your point of view - sometimes that feels like just words and soft soaping after a while whilst the actions still continue (or in your case esculate)

How are you feeling? Are you angry with him or more upset?

Also what is the background to your story? I have been trying to find a way to read all your previous posts but cant work out how to on here... .  

Good luck - keep hold of your sense of self while he is like this.

[rosannadanna]

 Hopefully he will go off and occupy himself and I can have some peace.

Why are you giving him the power over whether you have peace?

Why don't you go and find you own peace?

You are not a victim of his bad treatment.  You choose to stay in a situation in which you verbalize to the board that you are extremely unhappy about. 

Why do you choose to stay engaged with him?

It serves a purspose of some kind in your life. 

What is that purpose?

I'm not raising these questions to be judgemental or self-righteous.  I have to ask myself the same questions and at first, it was monumentally hard to focus on myself and not on my SO.  But it got easier, then it got very interesting!  That's because I discovered I was interesting!  It's very empowering.

Just remember you have the power and capablity to figure this out and have greater satisfaction with yourself and others.

[elemental]

rosannadanna.

If you have been reading my posts, any posts here by anyone, you will eventually wrap your mind around that everyone has a process.

This has been a process for me. I have come a very long way, though you may not believe that.

[elemental]

Thanks to those who responded. After that last smacking around post I really don't feel like saying anymore.

Done here.

[123Phoebe]

Elemental, please don't leave

You've come so far in all of this.  It's obvious that you're wrapping your brain around it.  We usually get it intellectually before being able to significantly apply it to our lives emotionally.

It's hard, it hurts and sometimes things just seem so ... .   I don't even know what... .   Impossible?  I'm not sure, but sometimes I find some of my own situations impossible.  But please, stick around and continue to post and work through these issues.  

I've learned a lot from you  

-Phoebe

[lbjnltx]

Hi elemental,

I can see that this has you upset.  In your op you mentioned that  you know the tools and didn't use them.  Could this be because of your anxiety?  It is difficult to remember the tools/skills when we are in a state of high emotion.  You had a real physical reaction brought on in a nano second, these kinds of reactions are signs that you don't feel safe in some way.

P&C and Rockylove both mentioned boundaries.  I think so too.  Boundaries served me well.  They created the safe space to think and respond rather than feel and react.  I think I was on the verge of developing an anxiety disorder before I set boundaries.  In that safe space that my boundaries created I was able to learn, accept, and apply the tools and the skills to stay in and even improve the relationship with my daughter.

I think what rosannadanna is pointing out is that focusing on your SO's behavior won't help you heal and improve your own happiness.  When our focus is outside of self it is difficult to do an inside job... .  on self.  If we focus our energy where it is effective then we can get positive, lasting results.  We don't have the power to change the other person in the relationship so that just leaves us/self to look at, work on and change.

What kind of value based boundaries do you think you need for yourself?

lbj

[TigerEye]

Hey Elemental

I can see in your words what a truly tough time you are going through just now, the anger and frustration levels of dealing with the twisted logic is wearing you down, just the thought of your SO turning up at yours has you on edge and this is something he will be able to pick up on in an instant.

Hopefully he will go off and occupy himself and I can have some peace.

Do you feel that this is something you can find for yourself without it relying on anything he does? Do you feel there would be a way that you can make the time for you to find a little peace? It looks to me like you need that time and space to breathe again, regain some of that strength and poise you had before. I too loose the ability to use the tools and remember the lessons when I am run down, the brain seems to whirl around at 1000 mph and even though I feel I'm saying the right words, in my case, it's my delivery that can let me down, especially in times of high stress.

So how about it, can you do it, take some time for you? You've got the ability to get through this, it just looks like the spirit is a bit broken, but you can mend by looking after you, it could be the best thing you can do for you right now.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi elemental!

I don't post much as I've been adapting to some change, but i still peek in here to check on you...

Something struck me as I was reading your thread here.  Please forgive me if i get this wrong?  Your pwBPD won't let you explain to him why you're upset over all that went caphooy between you, ie... x had baby, Internet woman, gaming etc... .  but here you mentioned that he swiftly brought up YOUR bad behavior in regards to the history that you so righteously are upset about? That's ludicrous! Walk away when does that, I'd never be able to do that without shooting my mouth off, but you can and should refuse to remain present when it's ok for him to talk about that, and not you!

And another thing, does he call you and ask before showing up?  I'd enforce that boundary for your own peace of mind.  I had to do that with my pwBPD, it was wrong for her to feel as though she could just show up when the same was not true for me.  It also gave me peace of mind to know I was in my own stress free zone and knew there'd be no impromptu "sharing" when things were rough between us.

Hang in there girl! Whether it takes six months or six years, or another six weeks, this is your journey, and we are all here to listen and help you work this out asnit best suits you!

I still have a big ole can of whoop a$$ I'd like to help you fix this with

Jk mods 

 elemental 

[patientandclear]

CIF, we seriously need a case of the cans of whoopa$$ around here right now.  Buy in bulk.

Elemental ... .  I feel like you've been taking that "time for yourself" that people recommend, over and over and over and over.  If I were you I'd get frustrated getting that advice, because this r/s has mostly been you taking that space for months now.  You seem to have developed it to a fine art.

I hear you not wanting to accept the way he is, and him not being willing to demonstrate that he cares for you by making the changes you want.  Is that a fair summation?

He seems really dug in.  The position he's taken, and still takes, hurts you a lot.

Feels to me like staying right now pretty much requires you busting your own boundaries.  Do you see a way to stay that does not involve you accepting behavior that you've said you want to preclude being subjected to?

Let's get concrete.  I liked your original idea of bowing out of the game.  Sounds like he doesn't like that, but, oh well.

Can you live with that (staying out of the game)?  Can you not check on the web postings about who has done what with whom?

Will just being away from the game and that information make this issue go away for you, do you think?  Or will you just imagine what might be going on, and that might be worse?

If you think not being exposed to the information will make the issue recede for you, I'd say go for it, for sure.

If not knowing won't make it better -- if you need to know he's actually not doing it -- it seems like staying is not very viable.  Because he isn't stopping.



P&C