Remembering the bad things. (and there are plenty)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been feeling really down about my breakup. I go back and forth between being angry over what she's done, to hurt that she's already "seeing" someone else on the regular. I find myself thinking about the good times and it sends me into a tail spin. But I tried something different today. I paced around the house and in my head I pretended that I was talking to a therapist. I went back and started the night we first met and went all the way up to the present highlighting the horrible qualities about her.

It really helped me to realize what a horrible person she actually is. Afterwards I had this newfound confidence in myself. Knowing that I'm too good for her and I actually feel like I could turn her down if she came to my doorstep tonight braying and begging me to take her back. Here are just a few... .  

-We met in a bar.

-She was sleeping with my best friend and immediately wanted us to see each other on the down low.

-She admitted early on that she had an affair with her brother in law in the past.

-She never talked about her feeling or emotions

-She made me feel like there was something wrong with ME whenever I would call her out on her crazy moods or bad decisions.

-History of drug use.

-History of sing crystal meth

-Almost always seemed distant and absent

-Smoked marijuana all day, every day.

-Rocky relationship history

-Bad relationship with her mother

-Had very few, if any interests and hobbies of her own


There are more, but I digress... .  

Feel free to reply with a list of the bad things about your exes that make you just go "wth was I even doing with her?" It's helping me a lot.

[strungalong]

I've been feeling really down about my breakup. I go back and forth between being angry over what she's done, to hurt that she's already "seeing" someone else on the regular. I find myself thinking about the good times and it sends me into a tail spin. But I tried something different today. I paced around the house and in my head I pretended that I was talking to a therapist. I went back and started the night we first met and went all the way up to the present highlighting the horrible qualities about her.

It really helped me to realize what a horrible person she actually is. Afterwards I had this newfound confidence in myself. Knowing that I'm too good for her and I actually feel like I could turn her down if she came to my doorstep tonight braying and begging me to take her back. Here are just a few... .  

-We met in a bar.

-She was sleeping with my best friend and immediately wanted us to see each other on the down low.

-She admitted early on that she had an affair with her brother in law in the past.

-She never talked about her feeling or emotions

-She made me feel like there was something wrong with ME whenever I would call her out on her crazy moods or bad decisions.

-History of drug use.

-History of sing crystal meth

-Almost always seemed distant and absent

-Smoked marijuana all day, every day.

-Rocky relationship history

-Bad relationship with her mother

-Had very few, if any interests and hobbies of her own


There are more, but I digress... .  

Feel free to reply with a list of the bad things about your exes that make you just go "wth was I even doing with her?" It's helping me a lot.

[duncanville1]

I too find myself in need of this thread. I am currently starting to get rights to be in my now 1.5 year old daughters life whom I have never met before with the ex. Its been 2.5 years since the ex and I spoke, due to this I find my mind "forgets" the horrible feelings and focuses on the few great parts of our existence.

The broken plans weekly because I just "said something wrong"

The horrible triangulation (read definition) dynamic with her family

"Cutting" to act out of get attention

Magical Thinking

The broken promises

No matter how much I gave, in every aspect, I could have always done better

She changed the locks on the apartment twice

Complete lack of care for my life and well being.


Thats just a few... .     

[Vindi]

i am glad the bad list works for you! cuz i know alot of times I tend to think of all the good and never ever alot , yes alot of the bad... .  keep the list beside you all the time, it will lead to a healthier and happier time during the break up cycle, thanks for the post!

[hellnback]

  I also find that forcing the bad memories helps stay in the anger phase. I use the anger to stay away and detach. As I grow, however, I find the anger keeps me attached to her. Letting the anger flow through me does help but my hope is that I can let that anger go and move on to me.

 I realized today that I am ok without her. I don't need her in my life or in my head. She did some of the worst things anyone has ever done to me. Worst of all, I let her. I say... .  NO MORE. This is my life and I'm going to live it without her.

I'm going to try and let her go. Let her live her life as she wants to. I'm going to live again

[rogerroger]

 I also find that forcing the bad memories helps stay in the anger phase. I use the anger to stay away and detach. As I grow, however, I find the anger keeps me attached to her. Letting the anger flow through me does help but my hope is that I can let that anger go and move on to me.

 I realized today that I am ok without her. I don't need her in my life or in my head. She did some of the worst things anyone has ever done to me. Worst of all, I let her. I say... .  NO MORE. This is my life and I'm going to live it without her.

I'm going to try and let her go. Let her live her life as she wants to. I'm going to live again

Yes. Me too.

[Hellothere]

 I also find that forcing the bad memories helps stay in the anger phase. I use the anger to stay away and detach. As I grow, however, I find the anger keeps me attached to her. Letting the anger flow through me does help but my hope is that I can let that anger go and move on to me.

 I realized today that I am ok without her. I don't need her in my life or in my head. She did some of the worst things anyone has ever done to me. Worst of all, I let her. I say... .  NO MORE. This is my life and I'm going to live it without her.

I'm going to try and let her go. Let her live her life as she wants to. I'm going to live again

You pretty much nailed everything I would have wrote in reply to this thread, good work.

[Hellothere]

I might also add that I find it helpful to have a list of the most hurtful things she did, it's growing, there's nearly seventy... .  Ha!

[sunrising]

I had a similar epiphany a few days ago, but mine wasn't based in anger and  was pretty simple: People like me.  Not everyone, but people generally like me... .    I've never had trouble making friends or meeting women who have some kind of romantic interest in me.  I feel that many people are drawn to me.  For weeks after I broke up with my exwBPD, I forgot this basic thing about myself. In reality, I'm sure I slowly lost touch with this over the course of our relationship as I focused all my energy on making her happy.  Since I was ultimately unable to fix her, I believe I let that (inevitable) "failure" allow me to lose touch with the fact that I'm a generally attractive person to lots of people.  I'm not talking about physical looks, just the fact that most people seem to like me.

Just a suggestion... .  When you're making the list of terrible things your ex did, which I agree is a helpful tool in detachment, also take time to remember the good things about yourself.  When I consciously remind myself that 1 simple thing- People seem to like me- I feel a lot better about how I will move on with my life.  

sunrising

[strungalong]

I've been doing better today also. The more I think about the relationship without my rose-colored glasses, the more I realize she wasn't right for me. It's just a shame that there were so many years invested. I was a a get together with friends this past weekend and there was a girl there who knew her. They used to be co workers right around the same time she and I first got together. She had heard about the break up and asked me about it. After I gave her a brief synopsis, she commented about how she "always thought I was too good for her" and that "she never understood what I saw in her" and " I always knew you could do much better than her."

These may sound like platitudes, but she meant it. Because she knew what an ugly person she was on the inside just from the time they spent at work. What she said really stuck with me because we aren't really friends. She is just a random girl to me. This was a huge help for some reason. It really gave me a boost to my confidence.

Basically, if we could all find a way to see them for who they really are, and look at our failed relationships objectively, it will be so much easier to detach. It seems to be working for me.

Stay strong and take off those blinders!

[strungalong]

I had a similar epiphany a few days ago, but mine wasn't based in anger and  was pretty simple: People like me.  Not everyone, but people generally like me... .    I've never had trouble making friends or meeting women who have some kind of romantic interest in me.  I feel that many people are drawn to me.  For weeks after I broke up with my exwBPD, I forgot this basic thing about myself. In reality, I'm sure I slowly lost touch with this over the course of our relationship as I focused all my energy on making her happy.  Since I was ultimately unable to fix her, I believe I let that (inevitable) "failure" allow me to lose touch with the fact that I'm a generally attractive person to lots of people.  I'm not talking about physical looks, just the fact that most people seem to like me.

Just a suggestion... .  When you're making the list of terrible things your ex did, which I agree is a helpful tool in detachment, also take time to remember the good things about yourself.  When I consciously remind myself that 1 simple thing- People seem to like me- I feel a lot better about how I will move on with my life. 

Yes! I feel the same way about myself. I've never had problems making friends and meeting women. Over the course of my BPD r/s, I lost touch with who I was before. I'm still working on getting back there, but it's going to happen.