She is the one with BPD, not me

[Vicrotia42]

Should have chosen Resilient as my screen name, because that is what I am.

I used to lurk here several years ago after finding out about BPD and then learning my mom was BPD (official). Her docs told me she was BPD but she herself tells me "I am just bipolar".

I have survived 42 years of her abusiveness and then spent years in therapy recovering. I have a very supportive husband and extended family and have a background in mental health myself and working with people in crisis.

Recently, my mom has been diagnosed with melanoma and as per her norm, a health crisis always spurs on a flare in her BPD. This time it is worse than usual. Worse than I have dealt with in years. Split my brother and I.

Divorced, she lives in a Assisted living facility at 72, because she finally found a place where people will wait on her hand and foot.

Her psych nurse told me once that "She is an empty pit that will you will never be able to fill" and "she is very good at getting her needs met".

Very intelligent, creative and resourceful is my mom. I have spent many years working with things I learned from this website to handle her behaviors and now I return to find some support to carry me through what I think will be the ending of her life's journey. And in some small way I hope I can help someone else through the minefields I already navigated.

I stopped trying to fix her years ago and built up walls to protect my family and my self, but recently she is gaining ground.  

I am here to help shore up those walls and remember that she is the one with BPD, not me! My biggest fear is that I am allowing her to abuse me again.

Thanks for listening!

[Clearmind]

I’m sorry to hear about your Moms health.

I stopped trying to fix her years ago and built up walls to protect my family and my self, but recently she is gaining ground. 

This is certainly the first step to recovery Vicrotia42 – I agree.

I am here to help shore up those walls and remember that she is the one with BPD, not me! My biggest fear is that I am allowing her to abuse me again.

We spent much of our childhood bending to their every whim and need. We no longer have to do this – we are adults with adult privileges and we get to choose.

Are you concerned that because she is sick that you will voluntarily bare the brunt of her abuse to save the peace? Do you feel a sense of fear, obligation and guilt?

[Marcia]

I think you're fighting the FOG... .  but you are not to blame for her life or her diagnosis--it seems likely that your BPDm may be wanting to make people feel guilty, because that is what they do when they are upset.

I think you should remember to love yourself at this time. Be sympathetic,but try

not to get sucked down the sinkhole... .