Conversations on the phone vs. face to face

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It seems that conversation with my BPDw is MUCH easier and productive when we speak on the phone as opposed to face to face. She seems much more "normal" and animated. We almost always have good communication (relatively) on the phone, but once face to face... .  our conversations seem awkward and she will either just dismiss the conversation or launch into a tirade... .  Does anyone else experience this?

[Hardliver]

It seems that conversation with my BPDw is MUCH easier and productive when we speak on the phone as opposed to face to face. She seems much more "normal" and animated. We almost always have good communication (relatively) on the phone, but once face to face... .  our conversations seem awkward and she will either just dismiss the conversation or launch into a tirade... .  Does anyone else experience this?

[Jimbo801]

I suppose it depends on what you deem to be "productive".  If the conversation is about things you can do to make them happier, then I would say look out.  With my ex it was one "do you know what would make me happy?" to another.  Also bear in mind that in person she can tell by your non-verbal responses whether or not you are buying into her bs whereas on the phone she can't.  My ex was more manipulative than most and I learned that it was all bs.  If they are getting hysterical then it is soo not a you problem.  I would just be careful either way because what seems to be productive may be a whole lot of take with very little give, if that makes sense.   

[MammaMia]

I agree.  I think it may be because they cannot see our facial expressions.  Just seems to work better.

[Cloudy Days]

Completely opposite actually. Phone conversations seem to trigger my husband. It's gotten to the point where we avoid talking on the phone unless needed. If we need something we text each other. He still has days where he will say, why didn't you call me today  , I don't ever call him so this always gives me a heads up, he's in a mood moment. The less we talk on the phone the better. For some reason he always thinks I am talking to him and someone else is listening too. Like I am cheating on him and laughing about it right in front of him I guess. I find I can't even speak how I would like to on the phone during arguments because he feels like anything I say to him is said because someone else is standing there listening.

[cal644]

My stbex uBPD wife is normal (as can be), nice and sweet by texts or by phone calls.  When she sees me face to face - holy sh@T... .  totally different person - hysterical, moody, crying, angry ... .  leaves me going    I don't know if its because she realizes what she is throwing away, or if she can't face the shame and guilt within herself, or if she just has that much hate when she sees me.

[overcomer]

Yep.  Me too!  My uBPDw and I have good discussions on the phone.  We can't really seem to keep the conversation going when face to face.  I think one reason is that she can't seem to sit down long enough to have a discussion.  The other part is she flies off that handle if I say something she doesn't like or misjudges my body language.  Her favorite method of communication is email or text.  That way she can unload all her thoughts without giving me a chance to respond.  She will send three or four texts before I can even responsd to the first. 

She complains because we don't communicate.  I stated that I'm willing to discuss anything that deals with reality and not things created through her imagination or fantasy world.  I have had enough of those discussions over the past 20yrs.  She's free to share her feelings or opinion as long as it's based on reality and I am free to share my feelings and opinion about the subject.  If I feel that she's mistated or exaggerated something then I correct her (we just had this discussion 20 minutes ago so I laughed when I saw the new post).  She doesn't like it but it works for me.  (I do get the silent treatment alot but hey... .  that's better then getting nagged and verbally abused)

[boatman]

In person communication was always best for my exBPDgf and I. She was often more detached and empathetic over the phone, and more emotionally aware and happy in person. I always told her that it seemed easier for her to let herself love me when she could see me and touch me vs. over the phone.

[MammaMia]

My BPDs38 showed up unannounced just now.  He told me he was mad at the dog next door to where he lives for barking and that he planned to drive 90 miles to a sandwich shop he likes in another town.  I told him I was glad to see him and asked if I could buy him a steak dinner here instead.  He just glared at me and said, "NO, I just want to get away from YOU!".  "YOU stress me out!" 

Ouch... .  Yes, he was mad at the dog.  But I got kicked.  This is typical of our face-to-face conversations.  I told him to drive carefully and went in the house.  It is what it is.

I will take the phone any old day.

[jaird]

Completely opposite actually. Phone conversations seem to trigger my husband. It's gotten to the point where we avoid talking on the phone unless needed. If we need something we text each other. He still has days where he will say, why didn't you call me today  , I don't ever call him so this always gives me a heads up, he's in a mood moment. The less we talk on the phone the better. For some reason he always thinks I am talking to him and someone else is listening too. Like I am cheating on him and laughing about it right in front of him I guess. I find I can't even speak how I would like to on the phone during arguments because he feels like anything I say to him is said because someone else is standing there listening.

Same here, phone is bad. Texting is bad. E mail is bad. Actually, they all usually start off good, then go bad. It has gotten to the point where when I feel she is getting agitated and a little nasty, I sign into my wireless providers page, and get ready to block her.

[MammaMia]

My dBPDs38 just showed up again and brought me one of the fabulous sandwiches he drove 90 miles to get.  So, I gave him 1/2 of the pan of brownies I made when he was gone.

Life is good... .  for now.  

[jaird]

My dBPDs38 just showed up again and brought me one of the fabulous sandwiches he drove 90 miles to get.  So, I gave him 1/2 of the pan of brownies I made when he was gone.

Life is good... .  for now.  

"for now", exactly