I just want out of this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, I actually am out - 3 months NC, I terminated the relationship.

But it does not feel I am out.

It is very clear now. I am objectively aware I lost self-esteem and got convinced I am a bad person. I am also aware that she did not create this but simply played on things long buried inside of me.  But no matter how hard I try I am having a really hard time reversing this, even simply returning to previous state where my issues would again just be buried. I feel so unattractive, so useless, so uninteresting. I *know* from my previous life this is far from truth, but I just cannot stop *feeling* these.

Severe depression has passed, I think. I slowed down my racing mind, do not ruminate as much and I guess I am just not expending the brain chemicals as much. But I feel so very sad. I miss the closeness and warmth of proper relationship. I definitely do not miss her in particular.

It is weeks now since I last spied her social networks. I did not block anything, I just test my willpower. Just like quitting smoking, which I also did in this time.

I am growing increasingly scared (terrified, actually) of having to meet her once more. I still have a bunch of her stuff and where I live we do not have delivery service and I am too ashamed to ask someone to give her the stuff. I am also scared of provoking a reaction, a new assault or devaluation, as just sending the stuff over would surely invalidate her.

I still have nobody around me to confide in full, get this mess off my chest, get a confirmation of own sanity, normalcy. But I've been testing the waters a bit. Small snippets of this hidden relationship told to a few friends. Isolated incidents told more as a joke. Reply was unanimous - "geez, what a disordered girl".

I want out of this. I want her to finally become completely irrelevant to me. I do not want to remember her out of the blue. I do not want to consider her in any relation to me. I am angry. And sad. And I want this over with.

/rant off 

[Numbers]

Well, I actually am out - 3 months NC, I terminated the relationship.

But it does not feel I am out.

It is very clear now. I am objectively aware I lost self-esteem and got convinced I am a bad person. I am also aware that she did not create this but simply played on things long buried inside of me.  But no matter how hard I try I am having a really hard time reversing this, even simply returning to previous state where my issues would again just be buried. I feel so unattractive, so useless, so uninteresting. I *know* from my previous life this is far from truth, but I just cannot stop *feeling* these.

Severe depression has passed, I think. I slowed down my racing mind, do not ruminate as much and I guess I am just not expending the brain chemicals as much. But I feel so very sad. I miss the closeness and warmth of proper relationship. I definitely do not miss her in particular.

It is weeks now since I last spied her social networks. I did not block anything, I just test my willpower. Just like quitting smoking, which I also did in this time.

I am growing increasingly scared (terrified, actually) of having to meet her once more. I still have a bunch of her stuff and where I live we do not have delivery service and I am too ashamed to ask someone to give her the stuff. I am also scared of provoking a reaction, a new assault or devaluation, as just sending the stuff over would surely invalidate her.

I still have nobody around me to confide in full, get this mess off my chest, get a confirmation of own sanity, normalcy. But I've been testing the waters a bit. Small snippets of this hidden relationship told to a few friends. Isolated incidents told more as a joke. Reply was unanimous - "geez, what a disordered girl".

I want out of this. I want her to finally become completely irrelevant to me. I do not want to remember her out of the blue. I do not want to consider her in any relation to me. I am angry. And sad. And I want this over with.

/rant off 

[Newton]

Well it was a very introspective and honest rant... .   

IMO it sounds like you have made some huge steps forward on a personal level... .  yet you are still looking through FOG with your fear of invalidating her... .  

There will be a way to deliver her stuff without contact if you want it enough... .  

You have thousands of people HERE to confide in who understand exactly what you are going through 

Her becoming irrelevant will take time... .  acceptance of that is key in your recovery... .  

[mango_flower]

This was so very well worded and well put... .  I understand all your feelings.

There is a big difference from being physically out of the relationship vs. mentally out.

I don't know how to get mentally out.  Even though it's been 4 months.

I feel so unattractive, so useless, so uninteresting. I *know* from my previous life this is far from truth, but I just cannot stop *feeling* these.

I think that is normal.  It's hard going from being idolized to... .  nothing.  Or even worse, painted black.  Feels like you started to believe you were fun, attractive, interesting etc - you finally let somebody help you build up your self-esteem and it was all a big joke.  It's horrible.

Let your friends remind you of all the good about you - I am lucky in that I have awesome friends who tell me every day that I am a worthwhile person and have lots going for me.  It helps.

I know you say you don't have people to confide in, but do you have people around you who can still make you feel good about yourself without knowing the full story?

I am growing increasingly scared (terrified, actually) of having to meet her once more. I still have a bunch of her stuff and where I live we do not have delivery service and I am too ashamed to ask someone to give her the stuff. I am also scared of provoking a reaction, a new assault or devaluation, as just sending the stuff over would surely invalidate her.

I want out of this. I want her to finally become completely irrelevant to me. I do not want to remember her out of the blue. I do not want to consider her in any relation to me. I am angry. And sad. And I want this over with.

This all makes sense to me too.  I feel the same.  I hate when she pops up in my life, even just seeing her name commenting on one of our mutual friends' posts on facebook!  It's like, I just want to live in my own little bubble and not be reminded she is out there.

I also have some of her stuff.  She is down in my town in a few weeks meeting up with somebody.  She needs to get her stuff and her mail, and give me back something too that is mine.  I don't want to see her, but nor do I want to make/create a drama by getting a friend involved for the handover... .  as that'll surely blow it up into something worse.

I just want to bury my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

I'd like to hear more of your story... .  

Did you post anywhere, with more detail about the relationship as a whole?

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