Frustrated

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm really frustrated with myself.

My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, as well as another gazillion times per day, is her.

I guess I had conditioned myself - I mean, we had plans to spend the rest of our lives together.

I have never had anything so perfect as our relationship, until the last 6 weeks where it all went horribly wrong.

It's like, my brain won't accept it is over.

She has COMPLETELY moved on, most of you know she's engaged and happily planning her wedding.  I have heard from acquaintances that her facebook statuses are all excited and happy about her new life.

And I just feel numb.

Dreading the weekend, still waking up shaking every morning.

I just can't seem to get my head around this.

It all feels so unreal, like I'm just having an awful nightmare and will wake up soon and things will be back for normal.

I am trying really really hard and just getting frustrated and annoyed with myself now.

It's like I'm still in denial.

This is ridiculous.

When will the penny drop? 

It is over.  She is not coming back. And I don't want her back.  Yet my head refuses to budge from where we were a year ago - happy days - first time in my life I have ever felt 100% at peace with myself.

I'm scared to go back to how I was before I met her.  I didn't realise how empty my life was, even though I had loads of friends and activities... .  but something was missing.  I just didn't know it back then, until I met my girl and my life was complete.

I can't go back there... .  now I know what is out there.

And what I could have had. That she is now having with somebody else.

Please don't be too harsh on me in any replies, I am about ready to crack into a thousand little pieces this morning.

[mango_flower]

I'm really frustrated with myself.

My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, as well as another gazillion times per day, is her.

I guess I had conditioned myself - I mean, we had plans to spend the rest of our lives together.

I have never had anything so perfect as our relationship, until the last 6 weeks where it all went horribly wrong.

It's like, my brain won't accept it is over.

She has COMPLETELY moved on, most of you know she's engaged and happily planning her wedding.  I have heard from acquaintances that her facebook statuses are all excited and happy about her new life.

And I just feel numb.

Dreading the weekend, still waking up shaking every morning.

I just can't seem to get my head around this.

It all feels so unreal, like I'm just having an awful nightmare and will wake up soon and things will be back for normal.

I am trying really really hard and just getting frustrated and annoyed with myself now.

It's like I'm still in denial.

This is ridiculous.

When will the penny drop? 

It is over.  She is not coming back. And I don't want her back.  Yet my head refuses to budge from where we were a year ago - happy days - first time in my life I have ever felt 100% at peace with myself.

I'm scared to go back to how I was before I met her.  I didn't realise how empty my life was, even though I had loads of friends and activities... .  but something was missing.  I just didn't know it back then, until I met my girl and my life was complete.

I can't go back there... .  now I know what is out there.

And what I could have had. That she is now having with somebody else.

Please don't be too harsh on me in any replies, I am about ready to crack into a thousand little pieces this morning.

[Wooddragon]

  the having it with someone else thoughts are horrible. Can't offer solutions. We are supposed to be glad to be rid of them. I feel better when I'm angry but that's a far cry from indifference

[WT]

Although I'm most of the way over my relationship with my ex, thoughts about our relationship still dominate my mind, and some days are worse than others.  I'm sure that we'll both reach complete indifference in time, but the thing that helped get me over the initial hump was doing a lot of reading about BPD and seeing how bleak our relationship prospects would've been even if we had stayed together.  There's nothing that I want more than to relive the glory days with my ex, but I know that those days are long gone and never to be seen again.  Your ex's immediate attachment to a new partner is really textbook BPD, so you have to ask yourself how "real" her love was if she can so easily move on.  It's something that's hurtful to consider, but it becomes freeing as well because eventually you'll realize that your own relationship wasn't based on real love, so you didn't really "lose" anything.

[mango_flower]

 the having it with someone else thoughts are horrible. Can't offer solutions. We are supposed to be glad to be rid of them. I feel better when I'm angry but that's a far cry from indifference

Thanks Wooddragon - yeah - I have told myself time and time again that she won't change, and that she'll end up showing her true colours to  her new fiancee... .  but it's very hard to believe right now, as they are still in the honeymoon period and are giddy with their new love... .  not to mention that this new girl seems to be perfect!  Pretty, funny, happy and smiley, has a massive circle of close friends, good job, loyal, caring, romantic... .  she has been taking her on all sorts of days out, trips, and doing lovely little things for her!

Makes me feel so very worthless.  And that this girl will probably be one of those uber-energetic people who will be able to keep this up forever, whereas I couldn't... .  *sigh*

the thing that helped get me over the initial hump was doing a lot of reading about BPD and seeing how bleak our relationship prospects would've been even if we had stayed together.  There's nothing that I want more than to relive the glory days with my ex, but I know that those days are long gone and never to be seen again. 

Yes, that helps me too, imagining what it would have been like... .  but there is always that voice in the back of my head saying "Yeah but she managed to control her bad behaviour for almost a year before she started getting crazy - so what if she's a REALLY mild case, and it was just bad luck and circumstance that made her have a BPD meltdown?  What if she really CAN be well behaved for the next person if they're good enough and life events don't get in the way?

I know you'll think I am blinkered, and in denial, but one thing I disagree on with a lot of people here is our love being real... .  

I do believe she loved me so very much, everyone who knew us said she was so deeply in love with me.  It may not have been a "mature" love, a very adult way of thinking - more like a disneyland love... .  but it wasn't faked, nor put on to get what she wanted from me - she genuinely did anything she could to make me happy.  She idolised me, too much (like many BPDs do with their partners).  I also know that she still loves me, even though she has moved on.  I have heard that from others, and from herself.  I know it confuses her, as I was her first love - so she just seems like she compartmentalises it and throws herself into her new relationship as she genuinely does love this new girl too.  And she doesn't have to think about the conflict and confusion when she's with her new girl. I know it messes her head up, looking back, which is why she's currently trying to paint me black. Gosh, what a lot of insight for a Friday morning! 

[Cimbaruns]

I know exactly where you are with all of this mango-flower... .  

Early on ... .  we only try and make sense of all that has happened by letting our emotions totally take over... .  everything for me was triggering and anxiety filled to the point of mini panic attacks!

I found as I tried really hard to finally set boundaries FOR ME is when I could begin to find some clarity and separation from all of those ruminations... .  don't get me wrong... .  the ruminations still circle occasionally but they are easier to shut down.

I was in the relationship for 4 years... .  the last 2 married... .  and part of my healing involves trying to make sense of my vowing forever and always to someone that obviously didn't view love in the same way!

I send my support to you and much strength... .  you'll get there... .  

It's a lot of small steps forward and sometimes back if you will... .  but the ability to remember that it's about YOU now ,... .  is ever so important.

Hugs to you mango-flower

[grad]

I think about my ex about 70-80% of the day and at times it makes me sad.   I've learned to accept this sadness and the realization she was my first true love no matter how much it disappoints me that she wanted to see other people.  Just accept it for what it is and that you'll always have feelings for them and want for them to be happy.  Fortunately for me I have zero contact with her and just want her to be happy, even if it is with someone else.   My understanding of her would never be at the level it is now had we continued the r/s as was because I couldn't see the damage within her until I felt her loss, the first such feeling I've ever had for anyone.  Would a r/s with her now be better?  At least from my perspective I would be able to empathize and validate better, but alas it's too late and she's got new supply who is more on her level.

[willy45]

Hey Mango_Flower,

You'll be OK. I know that it is hard. But you will be OK after this. Think of this as a gift to yourself. You avoided a life of complete misery. All the stuff you are seeing with your ex is an illusion which will one day come crashing down. This other person isn't super human. They probably just don't know what they are getting themselves into.

At the end of the day, though, you are free. You have these awful feelings and that really sucks right now. But, they will go away. Did you try that drawing thing? It really helped me... .  

[mango_flower]

I know exactly where you are with all of this mango-flower... .  

Early on ... .  we only try and make sense of all that has happened by letting our emotions totally take over... .  everything for me was triggering and anxiety filled to the point of mini panic attacks!

I found as I tried really hard to finally set boundaries FOR ME is when I could begin to find some clarity and separation from all of those ruminations... .  don't get me wrong... .  the ruminations still circle occasionally but they are easier to shut down.

I was in the relationship for 4 years... .  the last 2 married... .  and part of my healing involves trying to make sense of my vowing forever and always to someone that obviously didn't view love in the same way!

I send my support to you and much strength... .  you'll get there... .  

It's a lot of small steps forward and sometimes back if you will... .  but the ability to remember that it's about YOU now ,... .  is ever so important.

Hugs to you mango-flower

That's exactly it - the confusion that you said you'd stick to those vows forever... .  I feel wrong for breaking them and having to move on?  What if this is all a horrible mistake, and she changes her mind in a year?  And wants to come back... .  I don't think it'd be right, knowing what I know now... .  yet I feel guilty for "leaving her behind" even though she was the one who left... .  

It feels like I still have one foot in the past and am too guilty and fearful to move away from that, as it means breaking my promises... .  

Thank you for your supportive words

My understanding of her would never be at the level it is now had we continued the r/s as was because I couldn't see the damage within her until I felt her loss, the first such feeling I've ever had for anyone.  Would a r/s with her now be better?  At least from my perspective I would be able to empathize and validate better, but alas it's too late and she's got new supply who is more on her level.

That's true - if we'd stayed together then I would never have figured any of this out... .  

I'm just not sure that wouldn't have been such a bad thing ... .  if life hadn't thrown a few curve balls our way, maybe she wouldn't have had her meltdown... .  she was pretty functional the rest of the time! Though I guess that looking back now, there WERE red flags, they just weren't so bad as to have any impact on our relationship.

Yes, she does have a new supply now... .  that's what scares me, that she will be amazing and cater to every need of my ex's with a smile... .  and the BPD will never rear it's ugly head again... .  

Hey Mango_Flower,

You'll be OK. I know that it is hard. But you will be OK after this. Think of this as a gift to yourself. You avoided a life of complete misery. All the stuff you are seeing with your ex is an illusion which will one day come crashing down. This other person isn't super human. They probably just don't know what they are getting themselves into.

At the end of the day, though, you are free. You have these awful feelings and that really sucks right now. But, they will go away. Did you try that drawing thing? It really helped me... .  

Hi RJH45   Thank you again.  I get the feeling that we think/feel a lot of the same things. I know I avoided a less than perfect life - not sure it would have been a life of misery - she really did treat me well.  The main thing I have avoided is the constant dramas and stress and anxiety that goes with that!  And I would always feel I needed to go the extra mile, or she'd get insecure... .  I guess I don't have to be exhausted by that anymore.

What drawing thing were you on about?  I get confused... .  my brain is all over the place at the mo!

Thanks again x

[seeking balance]

I'm scared to go back to how I was before I met her.  I didn't realise how empty my life was, even though I had loads of friends and activities... .  but something was missing.  I just didn't know it back then, until I met my girl and my life was complete.

Here is your key - not the girl - what was missing in YOU?

Grieve this - right now as much as it might seem untrue, the girl leaving hurts, but it is you core wound that is making you literally sick.

Lean into the pain... .  cry until you are done... .  let the core wound grieve... .  it is the only way through.

Another person cannot make YOU complete... .  if you have not read Pia Mellody Facing Codependency - run out and buy it right now... .  it will help you with where you are and what you are really grieving.

Hang in there,

SB

[Vegasskydiver]

I'm really frustrated with myself.

My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, as well as another gazillion times per day, is her.

I guess I had conditioned myself - I mean, we had plans to spend the rest of our lives together.

I have never had anything so perfect as our relationship, until the last 6 weeks where it all went horribly wrong.

It's like, my brain won't accept it is over.

She has COMPLETELY moved on, most of you know she's engaged and happily planning her wedding.  I have heard from acquaintances that her facebook statuses are all excited and happy about her new life.

And I just feel numb.

Dreading the weekend, still waking up shaking every morning.

I just can't seem to get my head around this.

It all feels so unreal, like I'm just having an awful nightmare and will wake up soon and things will be back for normal.

I am trying really really hard and just getting frustrated and annoyed with myself now.

It's like I'm still in denial.

This is ridiculous.

When will the penny drop? 

It is over.  She is not coming back. And I don't want her back.  Yet my head refuses to budge from where we were a year ago - happy days - first time in my life I have ever felt 100% at peace with myself.

I'm scared to go back to how I was before I met her.  I didn't realise how empty my life was, even though I had loads of friends and activities... .  but something was missing.  I just didn't know it back then, until I met my girl and my life was complete.

I can't go back there... .  now I know what is out there.

And what I could have had. That she is now having with somebody else.

Please don't be too harsh on me in any replies, I am about ready to crack into a thousand little pieces this morning.

Mango Flower... .  I don't think that anyone is going to be hard on you.  Most of us are exactly where you are or have been right there.  I have been NC since Jan 28 2013, following a three year r/s with exBPDbf.  It seems to be hurting more now.  This time last year we were going to the lake on the boat that he just pruchased.  We would pull into a private cove and dive in the water butt naked and have the best time.  I saw that my ex posted a profile on Match.com and he put in his "ad" that weekly trips to the lake are a must... .  and all I kept thinking is that he is going to share the same experiences with his new "victim"... .  he will make her feel wonderful for a few months... .  until the crazy comes out.  It makes me so sad that it won't be him and I sharing those fun times on the lake.  We learned how to Kayak, canoe and stand up padlle boarding together last summer.  We shared so many wonderful times and to think that I am "painted black" and not even in his thoughts is making my stomach hurt.  I have lost so much weight and although I am seeing someone right now, it doesn't feel the same.  I pray for the time when I can be released from em ex's spell.  I don't want to feel because what I am left with is hurt.  So MF... .  I am right there with you... .  reeling in gut wrenching pain.  I know that I don't want the BPD r/s back... .  I want the fantasy of what I thought was... .  It hurts soo bad.

gentle hugs!

[gina louise]

 mango_flower

Look up a member named 2010 and read through their posts. it explains a lot. a LOT.

you are mourning the loss of many things right now and they seem to coalesce in the form of your ex.

like a hologram... .  but it's not just the stbxBPDhgf you are missing so desperately.

it gets better and better day by day... .  trust me. Right now I am 4 months out and the best I have been in YEARS.

I've had other deeply personal losses in my life recently-but they didn't unhinge me like they would have a year ago, when I was still with my stbxBPDh.

Hang on and focus on what YOU need now-

GL

[patientandclear]

Yes, she does have a new supply now... .  that's what scares me, that she will be amazing and cater to every need of my ex's with a smile... .  and the BPD will never rear it's ugly head again... .  

MF, almost all of us have lived through this.  We post about how it appears our ex is super happy with the new person, people tell us that can't possibly be the case, our self-doubt and second-guessing prevents us from believing that.

I went through it.  It was awful.  Then, like everyone said would happen, he screwed over the new person in short order.  I think it must have been pretty awful actually though I haven't sought details -- she is much younger, was totally in love with him, wanted babies & marriage, which he led her to believe were in the cards or she wouldn't have started seriously seeing him.  Ugly.  He'd broken up with me supposedly because he wasn't up for another round of child rearing (I have a kid, he has adult kids).  So when they were together, I felt utterly dreadful because he was willing to make the sacrifice & commitment for her & not me.  When he bailed on her, I realize he was willing to say just about anything in order to not be alone.  Same facts, way different interpretation.

Your ex has already reached out to you in ways that, if you were her current gf, would signal big trouble in paradise.  Am I right?

And here's the problem, though you have to sit on your self-doubt and self-esteem issues to hear it.  NO ONE is perfect enough not to disappoint pwBPD. I know -- I'm pretty darn near perfect   and I tried ... .  and I still fall short for my ex.  We're friends now, I've bent over backwards to come through for him, I know about BPD, I am not critical, I do not crowd him, but I am responsive, I validate, I empathize, yada yada yada.  Here's the deal.  When I'm that great a quasi-partner, we get really close, and he gets really anxious.  Then he distances me.  Often, he finds something I did that wasn't quite exactly perfect, or that he can almost intentionally misunderstand; or he projects his own feelings onto me; and then he announces he is really disappointed in me.  Then I carefully use Staying Board tools and then he softens and then we carry on, but never able to crack through the glass wall that is between us & true intimacy & trust.  He simply cannot trust me.  Even though I completely deserve to be trusted & have demonstrated in a million ways that I can be trusted to take care of his heart.  He will not do it.

Everyone ultimately disappoints them.  They expect it & they make it happen.  Things that are not actually disappointing are converted into disappointments so the prophecy can be fulfilled.

OK?  It is out of this new girl's hands.  She can be perfect and it will not be perfect enough -- its very perfection, if she was that, would drive the need to find something wrong.

It's awful, but she/they will not be exempt.

I'm sorry it's so hard.  When I read your posts I hear my own agonized regret about the choices I made that were healthy & respected him & me ... .  and that he just could not deal with.  Because he could not deal with them, I often regret being healthy.  See how that works?  How messed up it is?  Your misgivings about your fast wedding were completely healthy & she ASKED you if you wanted to postpone!  You had every reason to think you were working in the context of a loving, supportive r/s where it was safe to share your actual feelings & hopes for a more solid foundation together. The fact that she couldn't handle that -- that it clicked with some expectation she had of things going wrong -- doesn't mean that what you said was wrong.  It was healthy & good & not against the r/s.

Sooner or later, new girl will similarly do something healthy or normal or imperfect or otherwise dissatisfying, and your ex will find that once again, everyone disappoints her, and because she cannot process that and engage in repair and compromise, it will feel catastrophic to her.  It is really sad.

[mango_flower]

Here is your key - not the girl - what was missing in YOU?

Another person cannot make YOU complete... .  if you have not read Pia Mellody Facing Codependency - run out and buy it right now... .  it will help you with where you are and what you are really grieving.

Hang in there,

SB

I'm going to think on that one... .  I really don't know what is missing, right now I am too numb to feel much apart from an overwhelming sadness... .  I need more energy to actually reflect properly, and so I will save this task... .    I will definitely look into that book too!  Thank you

Mango Flower... .  I don't think that anyone is going to be hard on you.  Most of us are exactly where you are or have been right there.  I have been NC since Jan 28 2013, following a three year r/s with exBPDbf.  It seems to be hurting more now.  This time last year we were going to the lake on the boat that he just pruchased.  We would pull into a private cove and dive in the water butt naked and have the best time.  I saw that my ex posted a profile on Match.com and he put in his "ad" that weekly trips to the lake are a must... .  and all I kept thinking is that he is going to share the same experiences with his new "victim"... .  he will make her feel wonderful for a few months... .  until the crazy comes out.  It makes me so sad that it won't be him and I sharing those fun times on the lake.  We learned how to Kayak, canoe and stand up padlle boarding together last summer.  We shared so many wonderful times and to think that I am "painted black" and not even in his thoughts is making my stomach hurt.  I have lost so much weight and although I am seeing someone right now, it doesn't feel the same.  I pray for the time when I can be released from em ex's spell.  I don't want to feel because what I am left with is hurt.  So MF... .  I am right there with you... .  reeling in gut wrenching pain.  I know that I don't want the BPD r/s back... .  I want the fantasy of what I thought was... .  It hurts soo bad.

gentle hugs!

Oh that last line resonated so much for me!  We don't want the BPD relationships back, but what we thought we had... .  so true!  It's like, my brain just won't accept it's gone... .  I'm obviously quite stubborn

That must hurt so badly about the lake too - I know I hate when I see my ex dragging her new gf round to places like the zoo... .  and talking about buying a puppy together, and saying cute little phrases to her on facebook that she used to say to me... .  it's like, exactly the same... .  ouch.  I've hidden her news feed now and have limited myself to when I check facebook - getting better but still not quite there yet! 

mango_flower

Look up a member named 2010 and read through their posts. it explains a lot. a LOT.

you are mourning the loss of many things right now and they seem to coalesce in the form of your Ex.

like a hologram... .  but it's not just the Exgf you are missing so desperately.

it gets better and better day by day... .  trust me. Right now I am 4 months out and the best I have been in YEARS.

I've had other deeply personal losses in my life recently-but they didn't unhinge me like they would have a year ago, when I was still with my ExH.

Hang on and focus on what YOU need now-

GL

Thank you - I looked up the most recent posts of 2010 and WOW, loads of insight!  I am going to go back and read in more detail when I have more time (it's 11.30pm right now!).   I'm 4 months out too - that's why I am so frustrated with myself!   I think you're right - I'm missing the loss of many things - she was my best friend, my rock, my soulmate (so I thought), somebody I lived with, somebody who looked after me when I was poorly, made sure I had clean and ironed clothes (don't worry - I did loads for her too, she was just the more practical of us!).  I always felt so loved and wanted and needed, but also so cared for.  I have great friends who love me to pieces but it's not the same as having somebody specifically look out for you.  Ya know?

Then, like everyone said would happen, he screwed over the new person in short order.  I think it must have been pretty awful actually though I haven't sought details -- she is much younger, was totally in love with him, wanted babies & marriage, which he led her to believe were in the cards or she wouldn't have started seriously seeing him.  Ugly. 

Your ex has already reached out to you in ways that, if you were her current gf, would signal big trouble in paradise.  Am I right?

Sooner or later, new girl will similarly do something healthy or normal or imperfect or otherwise dissatisfying, and your ex will find that once again, everyone disappoints her, and because she cannot process that and engage in repair and compromise, it will feel catastrophic to her.  It is really sad.

Thank you so so much for such a thoughtful reply   

Yes, if I was her new girl I would not be happy about the times she emailed me with our little special phrases we used to say to each other... .  or calling me for 3 hours on Valentine's day just as friends... .  but that was before they got engaged.  Since they got engaged, it's like I no longer exist. Apart from the other day when she emailed me to rage and me and then called to follow it up... .  

Thank you for sharing your story.  I appreciate the time you took.

And you're right - I really should pity this new girl - even if they do make it miraculously work, she's not going to have an easy ride... .  she will be sucked into my ex's drama that just seems to follow her!  Poor girl... .  

I am really so very grateful for all you guys.  Just thought I'd reiterate that 

[gina louise]

mango_flower,

I think it's the fact that the stbxBPDh takes on willingly so many facets of our former relationships-right down to the almost parental care taking-that it can feel so incredibly soothing when you are in it, AND harsh once it's removed.

it's re-breaking a leg you'd thought was healed, and learning how to walk on that leg again-without pain and fear.

These r/s re-enact our old abandonment fears from our childhood, and even infancy-all over again. That's the short answer WHY of it... .  at least to me.

and it just takes time to work through.


Keep doing good, kind things for YOU. YOU matter.

GL

[willy45]

Hey MangoFlowere,

That drawing thing is a suggestion I put in you post about you splitting your ex into the good her and the bad her. It is an exercise that really helped me see the big picture and to get my brain wrapped around the idea that the good and the bad are the same person. It really helped me visually see what I had lost. And that picture isnt too pretty. If you cant find the post let me know and I will drum it up for you.

As for the life of misery comment... .  I guess I was basing it on what your ex was exposing you to now. Sure she treated you well at times. But, the best indication of future behavior is her current behavior. What she did to you over the past little while is the best indication of how she would have treated you in the future. Trust me. It only gets worse. I had 7 years. It never got better. It only got worse. And now I have all these health issues from the stress. Thank the lord I didnt marry her or had kids or a house. Knowing me, I would have been stuck. And her crazy abusive behavior would have gotten way, way worse. I would have been living for her. Dealing with her constant dramas, her constant stress, her constant high level emotional rollercoaster ride. That would have left me a shell of a human being. Trust me. The way that she treated you recently is how she would have treated you had you gotten married. It is the way she is going to treat her next person. You dodged a bullet.

[Clearmind]

I have never had anything so perfect as our relationship, until the last 6 weeks where it all went horribly wrong.

I too thought this - in time mango you will begin to realize that you actually deserve a love that is not conditional.

I was at this stage of denial just like you - its part of the process.

Conditional love is very tiring, very confusing, very frustrating and very exhausting. In time it will filter down to a gut level. Try to find ways to center yourself - being your head so much is exhausting and self defeating.

[Wooddragon]

mango_flower,

I think it's the fact that the Ex takes on willingly so many facets of our former relationships-right down to the almost parental care taking-that it can feel so incredibly soothing when you are in it, AND harsh once it's removed.

this is an aspect that i dont think ive really grasped the significance of in my relationship until just now. i was always aware that it felt wonderful and safe to "be loved" but that near parental care and concern goes straight to the heart of the matter and plays on the aspects of life with my FOO that made me so vulnerable to him in the first place - and yes, it makes the rejection so devastating.  im really hating having to deal with this stuff (sigh)

[tut-uncommon]

Mango-Flower,

I am very near to the place you are. My xBPDgf is now morphing into a "new" persona and there is a new person in her life now and yes, it hurts me beyond anything I have felt in years.

I thought I was wading through this ok, but when I see a new posting on FB, it just reopens a wound.

I cant remember on your other postings if you are seeing a T? . . . if not, please do. I had to. I couldnt function!

I thank God that this board exists!   there are so many more of us out there than I thought.

It's the feelings of rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, emptyness, unanswered questions, doubts and of course- missing her. BPD's are frequently very toxic - destroying lives and being oblivious to what they have done.

Im hanging on to the postings that it will get better and I'm working on me now. I ignored many red flags and I now realize that I chose her . . . and I have chosen ones in the past that were not healthy either. I'm gonna work on the why, where, when and how.

Peace, Prayers and hugs to you Mango    

- Tut

[mango_flower]

Thank you Gina - love the analogy!  (I work well with analogies)

Rjh45 - thank you - I went back and found that post - my head is just scrambled at the moment!  And thank you for the reminder that it would have gotten worse.  I always seem to forget that!  It does help, hearing that

Clearmind - so true!  I guess her love for me WAS conditional - I just didn't realise it at the time.  Food for thought!

Wooddragon - I'm sorry you're going through this too - what a journey!  Think how much we're learning... .  I wish we didn't have to though!

Tut - isn't it AWFUL when they morph into a new person? It's so unsettling.  I think I'll actually put a post up on this... .  it really weirds me out.  Yes, I thank God for this board too - nobody else really "gets" it - I guess they just assume it's a conventional breakup x