Projection, Baiting, and Silent Treatment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Got another full-fledged cycle here with uBPDh.  I don't know why it continues to surprise me.  He started with the projection last night - I'm not loving him as much, I'm different.  This morning he stopped by and he said I was different again.  Later he called me and made some snide comments within a mainly friendly conversation.  Then he sent an I love you text, to which I warmly responded.  Later after I texted him a question about something to do with my yard, he told me to ___ off.  Then he texted me that he was turning off his phone so I assume the silent treatment is beginning. 

Actually, I am relieved because after being projected upon and baited, the silent treatment is sounding pretty good.

[daze]

Got another full-fledged cycle here with uBPDh.  I don't know why it continues to surprise me.  He started with the projection last night - I'm not loving him as much, I'm different.  This morning he stopped by and he said I was different again.  Later he called me and made some snide comments within a mainly friendly conversation.  Then he sent an I love you text, to which I warmly responded.  Later after I texted him a question about something to do with my yard, he told me to ___ off.  Then he texted me that he was turning off his phone so I assume the silent treatment is beginning. 

Actually, I am relieved because after being projected upon and baited, the silent treatment is sounding pretty good.

[Hellothere]

I can understand that you would feel that the silent treatment is a blessing after all of the chaos; but deep down, do you really not feel you deserve to be treated better then this?

Hell I'm 22 and reading this I even know this isn't a healthy relationship.

This won't get better, someone's real and true triumph has to be gained through sacrifice.

[waverider]

I can understand that you would feel that the silent treatment is a blessing after all of the chaos; but deep down, do you really not feel you deserve to be treated better then this?

Hell I'm 22 and reading this I even know this isn't a healthy relationship.

This won't get better, someone's real and true triumph has to be gained through sacrifice.

The thing is when silent treatment happens like this it is out of your control you cannot do anything about it. Trying to force contact will make it worse. Best thing to do is disengage yourself from it, and yes go do something you want to do. Dont let it get to you. If they are using it as a form of passive aggression, or projection, the less effect it has the less incentive to continue using it. The less you let it bother you, the less stressed you will be, the less you will fear that sort of behavior or controlling technique.


Stress leads to frustration which leads to resentment in turn. Residual resentment will leave you primed and ready for the next drama that comes along, often causing you to prematurely react badly. Hence the dramas will become your fault. The projection will then be complete

[daze]

Hellothere - No, I don't think I deserve it at all.  That's why we are living apart.  I am on the Undecided board because we've had a lot of progress since the beginning of the year, though it's probably hard to tell from this post.  I have improved in terms of how I handle it and he has improved too.  The good thing about posting here is the affirmation and validation from others.  I don't want to dump r/s issues on my family and friends.

I certainly do not want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I plan to be patient and see what happens this year.  We have our own homes and lives so it takes the pressure off.  We talk daily and usually see each other two or three times a week.  Honestly, I don't think he will quit drinking or seek therapy but I'm waiting to see if he surprises me.  He knows what my concerns are.  He is a good man and has a lot of wonderful qualities that I've never experienced in past r/s and this is why I'm waiting.

Waverider - No, I do not force contact when this happens.  He has his kids this weekend and I hope they have a good visit.  Actually, he called this morning while I was asleep.  I called him back and told him I'm going to use the nice weather to work on my yard before it gets cold again tomorrow - a practical thing that I enjoy and that needs to be done. 

Yes, the projection can create a self-fulfilling prophecy through resentment unless you recognize it and don't get sucked in.  I'm not sucked in, just experiencing it.  I plan to enjoy this space for me.

[daze]

Now I see what's going on.  His daughter is stopping by for dinner on her way to a Spring Break destination.  Her visits always freak him out.  His oldest child from his first marriage to high school sweetheart.  I wish I understood why this freaks him out so much.  This is her fourth visit since I met him and every time he freaks out.

He called me to invite me to his house to have dinner with them or to take them out for dinner.  I said sure and asked what he wants to do. He says okay you don't want to go, thought we were getting closer, you don't care about my life.  I said I do care about your life and said I would go.  I will happily go.

I guess he wanted me to know, but doesn't want me to go.  Fine, I won't go.  Having a good day here... .     

[waverider]

Now I see what's going on.  His daughter is stopping by for dinner on her way to a Spring Break destination.  Her visits always freak him out.  His oldest child from his first marriage to high school sweetheart.  I wish I understood why this freaks him out so much.  This is her fourth visit since I met him and every time he freaks out.

He called me to invite me to his house to have dinner with them or to take them out for dinner.  I said sure and asked what he wants to do. He says okay you don't want to go, thought we were getting closer, you don't care about my life.  I said I do care about your life and said I would go.  I will happily go.

I guess he wanted me to know, but doesn't want me to go.  Fine, I won't go.  Having a good day here... .     

Sounds like are handling this well so far.

My previous post was really in response to Hellothere by way of explaining why you are taking the approach you are.

Reminders of past relationships can often be difficult as it crosses the compartmentalization defenses. ie you are either on or off, along with all reminders of the RS, including kids. It is common to experience difficulties mixing children from past relationships in with the present. Somehow seen as a threat, she knows things that you dont (at least in his perception). Her recollection of the past may be different than what he has told you, etc

[daze]

Yes, I'm handling it - riding the waves, Waverider.  I saw that you were responding to Hellothere and I tried to give him/her a little more info too.

Thanks for pointing out the compartmentalization defense mechanism.  His daughter has been there through his many r/s and knows more about him than I do.  We have only been together two years - one of the typical midlife BPD relationships that led too quickly to marriage.  Hence still having separate homes and everything.  My kids live with me so there is no compartmentalization, but I get it.

He tried to start a texting war to justify not wanting me to go to dinner with them.  I texted him I understand that he might feel ambivalent about it for a good reason and that I'm not mad.  I did point out that I noticed he'd been drinking quite a bit from the sound of his voice and that he should sober up before meeting them for dinner.  He responded "okay thanks."

Guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow and the coming week.

[waverider]

Yes, I'm handling it - riding the waves, Waverider.  I saw that you were responding to Hellothere and I tried to give him/her a little more info too.

Thanks for pointing out the compartmentalization defense mechanism.  His daughter has been there through his many r/s and knows more about him than I do.  We have only been together two years - one of the typical midlife BPD relationships that led too quickly to marriage.  Hence still having separate homes and everything.  My kids live with me so there is no compartmentalization, but I get it.

He tried to start a texting war to justify not wanting me to go to dinner with them.  I texted him I understand that he might feel ambivalent about it for a good reason and that I'm not mad.  I did point out that I noticed he'd been drinking quite a bit from the sound of his voice and that he should sober up before meeting them for dinner.  He responded "okay thanks."

Guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow and the coming week.

Unusual that, being married with separate homes. Probably helps with being able to be objective about things.

Love to know more about the pros and cons of that, as it usually is only the case when things are on the way out rather than still developing         

[daze]

Unusual that, being married with separate homes. Probably helps with being able to be objective about things.

Love to know more about the pros and cons of that, as it usually is only the case when things are on the way out rather than still developing   

We each had our own homes prior to r/s.  Then I bought a farmhouse for us to live in about a month before we got married.  We'd been together for close to a year.  This was in the honeymoon stage before the BPD traits/behavior became obvious. It was a lovely place and the house was liveable but needed a lot of work. 

He began stalling the work on it to the point where it became obvious he didn't want to live there.  And we still hadn't moved in together.  This was all very confusing and frustrating.  Not what I expected at all.  Then he finally moved in with me but kept his house.  After a couple of months he got drunk one night and got into a p**sing contest with my oldest son and decided to move back to his house.

He finally told me he didn't want to sell his place because he was afraid I would kick him out and he'd have to start over again.  I understand this fear given his behavior.  This was before I knew about BPD and I thought to myself that he trumped up the deal with my son to justify moving back to his house.

We finished the basic work on the farmhouse and sold it and thankfully broke even.  Since then we've been living apart while remaining in the r/s.  In the meantime, he escalated the idealization and devaluation swings, push/pull, silent treatment, everything.  As our r/s continued, I learned more about his childhood, which included a lot of trauma similar to female BPD stereotypes.  I also learned more about his adolescent and adult history.   It was textbook as I came to find out.

I researched the symptoms of the r/s, found this website, and started therapy for my own issues, which came to light as they never had in previous relationships - other than with my mother who has strong NPD and possibly BPD traits, again unknown to me.  Honestly, it's been the best thing to happen to me as painful as it's been.

Anyway, the pros of having separate homes are time and space for objectivity as you pointed out.  The main con is that it probably postpones the decision making process because dealing with the r/s is much easier when you can leave and go home.  I could not live in the same house with him as it stands but it is much better than it was last summer/fall/early winter. I do love him - he's smart, funny, passionate, has a good job, and we share political beliefs which are in the minority in our area.  He likes to cook, clean, and is handy with stuff.  I know why I fell in love with him.  But he also has BPD traits and alcoholism (he drank the first year but he hid it better). 

He knows I suspect he has BPD traits and he knows I think he is an alcoholic.  Sometimes he admits to having a drinking problem.  My boundary is that he doesn't drink at my house or on dates.  Now that I have learned how to communicate with him better, he sees the potential for our marriage and I hope that it will encourage him to stop drinking and get therapy.  He can see the change in me and our r/s has improved immensely.  My T says I shouldn't consider cohabitation until he has been sober for two years.

That's basically it. 

[daze]

Oh yeah, he called me and said he was pulling up to my house with his kids.  He wanted me to get ready and go with them to meet his daughter and her friends for dinner.  Of course, I worked in the yard today - between posting on here  - and hadn't cleaned up yet.  His daughter was nearby so they had to go ahead and leave without me.  That's kind of like him too.  He could say he tried. 

[waverider]

Oh yeah, he called me and said he was pulling up to my house with his kids.  He wanted me to get ready and go with them to meet his daughter and her friends for dinner.  Of course, I worked in the yard today - between posting on here  - and hadn't cleaned up yet.  His daughter was nearby so they had to go ahead and leave without me.  That's kind of like him too.  He could say he tried. 

Sounds like you had a lucky pause in the RS. If you had moved in without finding out about all this, seeing things clearly and having your own personal boundaries would have been far more difficult.

You are providing a stable platform for him to find healthier ways to get himself back on track. No guarantees but best environment possible. Along with a potential worthwhile motivation.

Just shrugging off the Projection, Baiting, and Silent Treatment, and getting on with your life is the best bet. If he can't deflect his issues to you by this method he will be left to face them which increases the chances of finding more appropriate ways of dealing with them. Again no guarantees, but best odds.

[daze]

Yes, it was a very lucky pause.  Very thankful.  It would be very difficult to have the boundary that he not drink in my/our house if we lived together.  We'll see what happens. 

You are providing a stable platform for him to find healthier ways to get himself back on track. No guarantees but best environment possible. Along with a potential worthwhile motivation.

Thank you, I think this is right.  Sometimes I wonder if remaining in the r/s while he continues to drink is enabling him to drink.  He gets the r/s and he keeps the drink.  But overall this seems to be a good approach.

And you are right the key is to shrug off the projection, baiting, and ST.  I was pretty worn out yesterday mostly unrelated to him and didn't feel like dealing with him or any of it.  Today is a better day.  He surprised me by contacting me throughout the day.  You just never know.

Appreciate your words very much!

[waverider]

My partner has struggled with alcoholism, if his problenm is severe then it will take more than strong words and boundaries to resolve that oone. It needs professional help in itself and is a long and difficult issue to resolve, particularly when tied to a PD. One sabotages the other.

My partner is getting close to being on top of it, but it has taken 4 years of constant attempts to come off. The void it leaves behind is enormous as it was her major coping aid. Hard work is required to replace that void with positive things, otherwise other negative coping mechanisms, or even drinking again, will rush in at times of stress.

[daze]

That's great news about your partner.  Four years to get on top of it, wow.  My H would have a huge void in his life if he quit.  Not sure how he would fill it, but that would be up to him.  He can go a day or two without drinking but it's pretty obvious when he's ready to get back to it.  My T says the alcohol is his partner and I am the mistress.  I imagine he needs professional help to quit.   

[waverider]

That's great news about your partner.  Four years to get on top of it, wow.  My H would have a huge void in his life if he quit.  Not sure how he would fill it, but that would be up to him.  He can go a day or two without drinking but it's pretty obvious when he's ready to get back to it.  My T says the alcohol is his partner and I am the mistress.  I imagine he needs professional help to quit.   

Has taken 20-30 trips to residential detox units to get there, until they all refused to take her any more. Still cant say she wont relapse, but if she does she will admit to it and get back on to getting off it.