Need some help setting boundaries

[Ajness2305]

I need some help setting boundaries with my uBPD mother. Right now we are NC. Which I violated today after a nasty email, and now have to stop myself from getting sucked in. I am nc with her for the safety of my 3yr old son and my sanity. Eventually I do want low, controlled contact, but right now, there is no place for that bs in my life. Anyone have any good boundary setting tips?

[AbbyNormal]

Hi,

I'm a new member too. I've been on a roller coaster ride this week with my uBPD mom too. You've been NC and then she broke the NC and emailed you? One of the ambassadors recommended this article:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

earlier this week. It has some real world suggestions on how to set boundaries.

I've also read some (a lot actually) of posts where people use excuses to limit contact and keep boundaries. Like, saying you cannot speak to her during certain hours because of work, etc. If you want to stay NC though the article will probably help the most. It will advise you to basically say you're having to take some time for yourself right now. But, it will also say for you offer some time in the future when you'll try again to contact her. That way, she knows you're not trying to actually end the relationship for good. Hope it helps. 

[Clearmind]

AJ, what is the boundary for? Can you explain a little more?

Good link AbbyNormal and this one may also help.

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

If she sends a nasty email AJ, are you able to ignore it? (ignoring can be a firm boundary in itself)

[Ajness2305]

@abbynormal- thank you for the link

@clearmind- the boundary is for the safety of my son. My mother has grown increasingly unstable, prescription drug abuse, threats of suicide, etc. yesterday she sent am email. I responded and she responded with a very nasty email. I have not responded, nor do I intend to. Things have escalated this far bc I've ignored all of her emails, calls, attempts at contact. I am a stay at home mom and there's no way I'm exposing my son to that at all. He loves his grandmother too much to listen to her insane notions, watch her sob, or witness her raging.

I'm feeling much better today, though. Personally things are going great. I can't help but wonder if it isn't bc there isn't someone trying to Sabatoge my life. But I've been waiting for this wave of crazy to pass before I make contact with her, until she's a little more stable. I'm not sure it's going to happen any time soon.

[Clearmind]

I can understand your need to protect your son. Good on you for not responding - no good for either of you can come of that - invalidating for you and her.

AJ, is your mom wanting to babysit, visit and you don’t want him to interact with her at all? I do recall the birthday gift thread of yours - is this related?

What do you want to have happen?

[Ajness2305]

I can understand your need to protect your son. Good on you for not responding - no good for either of you can come of that - invalidating for you and her.

AJ, is your mom wanting to babysit, visit and you don’t want him to interact with her at all? I do recall the birthday gift thread of yours - is this related?

What do you want to have happen?

Clearmind, at this point my mother is accusing me of stealing my son from her. At some point in the future, I want them to have a relationship. For my parents to be there for holidays, birthdays, etc. but... .  if I was being totally honest with myself, I'm not sure I want them in MY life at all. I feel so guilty to say so, but I have no desire whatsoever to deal with the anxiety, drama, raging, sobbing, manipulations, all the things that accompany a BPD mother. So if I was being truly honest, I do not see that her being in my life would be beneficial to me or my son, other than saying this is my grandmother, when he's pointing at pictures.

[Clearmind]

OK I got you AJ.

Is it possible to instigate controlled contact (during holidays/birthdays) where you are present and are able to set firm boundaries if you witness some negative behavior (i.e. leave)? Hubby is also there?

In the meantime AJ - accusations will fly - its the nature of the illness.

Stop accusations and blaming

Arguing - don't engage