Sex and BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was curious to know, especially from women,  but guys too... .  when your pwBPD paints you black and you stay there a really long time(over 2 years for me) do they withhold sex as a form of punishment?  If so were you able to get it back? While things have improved for us since Feb, and he is now allowing me to occasionally touch him... that is it. I am so tired of being rejected while he enjoys himself and  porn. I simply dont plan to have no sex for the rest of my life although I have done it for 3 years...

I know the porn is an addiction and how he self sooths but that doesnt solve my problem. Anyone going through this or been thru it  and fixed it or left? BTW we had a great and fun sex life before things went bad for years.

[crazylife]

I was curious to know, especially from women,  but guys too... .  when your pwBPD paints you black and you stay there a really long time(over 2 years for me) do they withhold sex as a form of punishment?  If so were you able to get it back? While things have improved for us since Feb, and he is now allowing me to occasionally touch him... that is it. I am so tired of being rejected while he enjoys himself and  porn. I simply dont plan to have no sex for the rest of my life although I have done it for 3 years...

I know the porn is an addiction and how he self sooths but that doesnt solve my problem. Anyone going through this or been thru it  and fixed it or left? BTW we had a great and fun sex life before things went bad for years.

[crazylife]

Wow, I was hoping someone might have some insight for me here. I guess there is no clear answer.

[wanttoknowmore]

My understanding is that they withhold sex as a form of punishment for some perceived mistake on your part. If they are happy and feel you are nice and caring ,they will be glad to allow sex. Sex is partly a method of control just like some other behavior. It can be a test also to see will you leave them if they are not able to provide sex. If you dont insist and continue to be supportive, it makes them feel bettr.

[marbleloser]

I don't think that's exclusive to BPD,but rather a trait of someone who is controlling/manipulative/entitled.Someone (ahem) with NPD might do the same.Not getting their way and them knowing what you like,and then witholding it from you,is a cruel thing to do.If it wasn't sex,it might be something else.Say,you wanted to go out together during the weekend,just the two of you,but your SO didn't feel fullfilled and happy.They might tell you they didn't want to go,aren't feeling well,tired,etc.,,

It's also tied to a fear of intimacy,I believe.You can't get much more intimate than sex.

RS's are supposed to be give and take.It's not a one way street for either partner.

The question then becomes,can I live like this? Is this an issue I can accept from this person,or is this something I find important enough to end the RS.

[dmiller]

I am in a marriage for almost 4 yrs. I don't know that he has really ever withheld sex from me. He has said he would like for me to pursue him because he is afraid of reject from me because of the circumstances or things we've been through. We have been about to work through ours by BOTH trying to understand the others needs. He also deals with the porn issue. But we have gone to lengths to remove that in everyway. He doesn't have access to the places that he went to for that and that was by his choice... .  doesn't work until it's them making the choice. I know it's hard but being honest and open about how you feel about sex and not having it... .  is probably the best way. The porn will certainly kill what you have together. It's a seed that must be removed from the root completely or it is still there and causes issues. Our sex life was great, awesome, wonderful of course in the beginning and very often. When the issues came up, it tappered off and we worked through them. One thing I think helped me, is that I realized the porn is NOT who he really is. Unforunately, it was a ugly seed planted in his past. He has to desire to uproot it. He had to realize the damage it was doing in our marriage. It's not fair to you, to be NOT care for in that way. We have gotten back to normal and the sex is still just as good through it all. Good luck. 

[mitti]

I was with my uBPDxbf for 4 years (broke up 5 weeks ago and NC since then). Sex was great most of the time and frequent, but yes, he would go through periods of withholding it and refusing any form of touching or affection. Not sure whether it was always punishment. Sometimes he just seemed to not care. He enjoyed having me around but gave me no attention whatsoever. I also wonder if it wasn't just plain laziness on his part when he wouldn't show me any affection but was happy to have sex. Quite sick really and extremely damaging to your self-worth. He went through many of these phases. The longest we went without sex without it being during a break was probably between a month to two months. Periods when refusing to give me any physical affection apart from sex lasted a lot longer, sometimes almost a year with only brief interludes of loving behavior towards me. But he came back from that also and this last year, we had almost six months where he couldn't get enough of me, wanting to hold me, touch me, tell me he loved all the time more or less. It didn't last but I do believe it might have, had it not been for a very difficult past together that we weren't able to solve.

[artman.1]

Crazy,

     I am probably one of the most outrageous examples of this rejection of all intimacy that ever lived.  I have been married to my UBPDW for almost 45 years and she has refused absolutely all intimacy, even holding hands for the last 37 years now.  We have three grown sons that are all very successful and have nice homes and lives.  I stayed with her after her episode of promiscuity and wanting a divorce for the sake of these sons.  After the last son left home, she became Ill, and I continued to stay. 

     Bottom line is, she will probably never reconsider the BLACK place she has reserved for me since about 40 years ago.  I have had to live my life for myself and found my own way.  I have never cheated and she is my one and only.  I am codependent and have accepted that and am working on my recovery in CODA and in Therapy for the last year.  I have detached with love and can see some day in the near future when I must separate, since no-one can continue to live like this.

Art

[artman.1]

I must add that I believe, and according to the books I have read that, PWBPDs are afraid of Intimacy as that envokes their fears of abandonment.  I really do not believe my UBPDW is capable emotionally to deal with intimacy.  In the end, I must take care of me and just not be concerned about others.  That may sound selfish, but is really the only sane way to deal with these things.

Art

[Wendell]

artman.1, my opinion doesn't count for much but I think you sound like a very unselfish person.  Thank you for sharing your story, it humbled me a bit and I needed that today. 

[crazylife]

Thanks to everyone that took the time to answer. I really appreciate all the insight and different ideas. Art,  my uBPDh may well be like your spouse. He is convinced during one of periods of devaluation I cheated on him. I did chat with some fellows out of boredom and loneliness but nothing ever beyond that. Never any type of  dirty pics, or things like that. Of course that was a projection of his life, not mine. I did get drunk and he started attacking me verbally. I have no idea what I said but it must have been bad... .  I seldom drink but it was the night of my daughters wedding and I just drank that night.

I have decided to sort of act like we used to when we were good and hope one day he will come around. Or eventually after I get my life back on track I will leave.

[artman.1]

I just hope some new understanding is becoming available to you all.  My experiences have revealed there is little hope of change unless the person in Denial begins to face their problem.  You cannot help them, or push them.  All we can do is try to start taking care of ourselves, and detach with love and compassion.  Just allow them to take care of themselves and stand by your boundries.

Art