Been a hell of a trip

[Vatz]

So it's been almost two months since I last posted.

I was unable to keep NC with my BPDSO.

So we tried to reconcile, she finally got kicked out of her house.

She cheated on me again. This time it wasn't an online relationship. It was her friend, the one who "couldn't stand to see us together because it reminded him of something he didn't have. A Relationship." She had sex with him. When she told me, I asked if he was better. She said no. It wasn't as satisfying and physically didn't feel as good. So I decided because of that, maybe something could be worked out. (My philosophy is if I'm not bested in the bedroom, I haven't totally lost my spouse.)

Anyway, I told her that it had to be over with him. She hung out with him once after this admitting to having slept with him.

So last night I told her "This is it. You let him go for good. No talking, no hanging out, nothing. I am tired of dealing with this." I told her that she had to end her affair, and that I wasn't going to take this from her. Eventually she said "I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to lose my best friend either."

So she decided that she would say her goodbyes to this guy. Today I was going to a counseling center. I was going to sign us up for couples counseling. I got a text from my SO saying "I'm confused, I don't want to lose my best friend or my boyfriend." So I just called her and said... .

"I'm done. I am not going to deal with this anymore. It's clear you don't want to give up your affair. I don't need this in my life. I'm not getting involved in a love triangle, I'm not going to let you torment me like this anymore."

Unfortunately it sort of feels too late. I already lost my self esteem and now I can't help but think of them two together. I know that after I told her I am done that she called him, and they're probably having sex. The mental image hurts. Picturing everything. I can't help but feel so unattractive, even though I KNOW I'm better looking than he is.

So this Wednesday I go to therapy. I will probably ask for antidepressants (I will need them.)

It's going to be hard not to break NC, but in my heart I know that this relationship is over. There's no fixing it.

[syz]

You did the right thing and I don't think disrespected your position at all.  You didn't allow her to cake eat and that is what it is.  some best friend he is, helping her screw up her relationship.  I guess they can have each other.  He is a jerk and she is messed up.   You gave her the choice and she choice by indecision.  And that is what it was a choice.  Not confusion. 

Get help get on antidepressants (I did after cheating and it really helped with the day to day coping and work and sleep)  and don't be surprised if she comes back around in a few months when this thing blows up on her.  But don't fall for it.  It is hard I know.  I fell for it 3 months later but she wasn't willing to give up her affair partner even though the affair partner wouldn't leave her spouse.  To hell with it I finally cut her out of my life for good and forever. 

[paperlung]

Yeah, I guess you could say I was stuck in love-triangle with my ex-girlfriend as well. The other guy was some man twice her age she met off a porn site who lived across the world. I've been to hell too, figuratively. It sucks.

Check out my story, if you have the chance.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

[Vatz]

@Syz

I even told her that he may act like a nice guy, but he's really just a rotten person on the inside. He's one of those guys that pretends to be a nice guy to try to get with a chick. He's an orbiter, but just the worst kind. After she's through with him though... . that smirk on his face is gonna disappear for good.

[Vatz]

Now she's sending me texts, telling me how in love she is with me. Left a voicemail begging me to talk to her, telling me she loves me. She's bringing up things we used to do together, and it tugs at my heart because I miss those things. I don't feel like I could do them with anyone else. So it hurts to see the messages. It hurts so very bad because I still love her very much.

I guess i just have to remember that she still cheated. She still hurt me. She says I was distant from her, that I didn't show emotion. I already told her I had been unhappy since her emotional affair. Was I wrong to distance myself emotionally after I had been cheated on? But she still did it. She took all our experiences, all our good times together and threw it away on an affair.

This hurts so very bad.

[paperlung]

I guess i just have to remember that she still cheated. She still hurt me. She says I was distant from her, that I didn't show emotion. I already told her I had been unhappy since her emotional affair. Was I wrong to distance myself emotionally after I had been cheated on? But she still did it. She took all our experiences, all our good times together and threw it away on an affair.

No, you were not wrong in distancing yourself. I, too, distanced myself from my ex after she cheated on me. I had my guard up, and you probably did as well. We didn't want to get hurt again.

[rogerroger]

Now she's sending me texts, telling me how in love she is with me. Left a voicemail begging me to talk to her, telling me she loves me.

... .

This hurts so very bad.

She is telling you what she knows you want to hear, but she doesn't seem to be capable of backing her words up with actions. She might feel that she loves you, but more likely she is distressed at the prospect of you leaving. Do you think love is consistent with her actions?

Yes, it hurts. If you take her back it will lessen the hurt temporarily, but only temporarily. You will be teaching her that you won't hold her accountable for her actions beyond throwing some glittering words your way.

[syz]

Now she's sending me texts, telling me how in love she is with me. Left a voicemail begging me to talk to her, telling me she loves me. She's bringing up things we used to do together, and it tugs at my heart because I miss those things. I don't feel like I could do them with anyone else. So it hurts to see the messages. It hurts so very bad because I still love her very much.

I guess i just have to remember that she still cheated. She still hurt me. She says I was distant from her, that I didn't show emotion. I already told her I had been unhappy since her emotional affair. Was I wrong to distance myself emotionally after I had been cheated on? But she still did it. She took all our experiences, all our good times together and threw it away on an affair.

This hurts so very bad.

Its part of the pattern.  She may have BPD but there is still a cheaters handbook that takes precedence here and it still pretty much follows a pattern.  She is now stuck in her consequences.  Who gives a damn if she misses you, or whatever or is bringing up all these things you shared, when she is texting it from his house.  And her missing you says nothing important about what she has done or how you feel at all.  She isn't checked in.  She isn't in a state of true remorse.  She isn't different.  This is the second time.  I know you know all this but there is that funny thing we do when we are in trauma called bargaining. 

The mind movies of them together is normal and it sucks really bad.  It's messed up, she is messed up, I wouldn't want to inherit what that guy is getting.  This is about broken choices by broken people who do not know what they are really doing.  And yah you are collateral damage.  I know it, I lived it, I felt run over for a couple of years.  I went on medication, it helped.  Infidelity pretty much sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced. 

I can understand wanting to talk with her.  I know I went back and talked and processed and even slept with my ex but nothing could unride that donkey for me.  In fact all of it served to delay my healing.  She hadn't changed, in fact nothing had changed.  I just had to forgive myself my weakness and begin again.  I worked out and ran a lot.  That helped too. 

It is really hard to reconcile under the best conditions (they are remorseful, transparent, come clean right away, do the personal work to ensure it won't happen again)  even then it takes years about 2-5 to be honest.  On top of that it helps if there is a long standing marriage, with kids, and a mortgage because you have merged enough of your lives that extrication and moving on will take almost as long as just reconciling.  Many opt to stay with the devil they know as opposed to taking a risk on the devils they don't. 

I'm sorry man I know how bad it hurts.  I'm 7 years out from my situation.  It took me 4.5 years to feel really normal again and our relationship was only two years long.  The damage was tremendous.  I wish she would have just left me like a normal person and spared me the time for her crime.