After a month NC she´s on text again, but very casual, remote

[whatathing]

Hello everyone

My exuBPDgf was away, NC, for a month. Then I started contact by facebook and text, and she liked it, but she´s been back and forth from interested to indifferent. It´s like she´s pretending that she´s very independent, like if I was dispensable, and like she´s busy with important things and can´t pay attention. It´s a bit weird, it doesn´t seem natural. She doesn´t text, if I don´t. But if I do, she´s friendly, although cautious.

Is this typical? Is she still in the emotional hangover (she had panic attacks for a week, a month ago, engulfment and abandonment fears)? Is she in some kind of dissociation?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[krista8521]

  She sounds stubborn and is one of those people who never apologizes or says she was at fault.

She does wait for your contact and happy to hear from you, but she will not initiate the contact because that would show weakness or care for you.

I just think if you got back together under this kinda situation, she would say "well this is what you wanted" every time you have a rough patch. I wouldn't let her make you carry all the weight of patching things up, she has to take some of the weight off of you.

That is if thats what you want? back together?

[whatathing]

Hi Krista,

You´re right, but you know how these relationships are... .  and I really don´t blame her much, she´s suffered much more than I with the separation, although it was all created by her. But she was in a very bad shape for a couple of weeks. If she could do better, she would.

As to what´s happening right now... .  I think she has trouble letting me feel hope because she feels guilty, or she feels she has the right to have her space without having to explain and apologize, and it´s actually good that she feels so, because before she couldn´t do that. She´s not a violent or rage pwBPD, more of a shy one. The only drawback, is that she does it with me, the only one who wanted her to become empowered. There are a lot of explanations for that in this forum... .  but it hurts!

Thanks

[whatathing]

Yes, I want back together, and yes, I believe she could say that, if she could get rid of the guilt she feels. And you´re right, I can´t let her put it all on me. And she´s stubborn and entitled. You got it

[Elsegundo]

I used to have a similar sitch. Since your partner is of the controlled no apology type, how do folks suggest getting her to take some responsibility?  I never seem to find an answer to this question on the boards, so I'd love to hear suggestions for you that do. Anyone got any?

[krista8521]

Elsegundo. sorry if I misspelled your name, ah... I have never heard a apology out of my BPD Husband on any level of sincerity.

He would say "I have apologized up and down" he hehe nope, you didn't but if that's the best you got I guess I will take it.

I have seen these kind of apologies, example:

For a time we were sharing one vehicle. When he was done working all day he would go over to a friends, stop off at stores, screw around. He did this knowing I needed the car to run errands or get things that were needed.

He would come home and act like I was being unreasonable for complaining how late he is.

Yet, if I had the car and he needed to go do something he would call my cell and ride me to get home, and if I didn't get home within his allotted time another call comes in.

"are you almost done?"

"I will be home soon"

"so what, are you taking your time, because I did that one time?"

"look I am sorry, now can you please get home with the car?"

[Elsegundo]

Thanks.  So how would you suggest whatathing handles the challenge of likely not getting an apology but wanting partner to take some responsibility?

[krista8521]

I have shoulder the responsibility of absolutely everything for so many years, and did it with out even thinking about his role in it.

When I did ask for it, there was no way he was about to start now. I finally would lay out what I needed him to take responsibility for and let the chips fall where they may.

I learned to let go and let consequences happen for not doing what needs to be done, when he finally had to answer for irresponsibility he started to take some.

example:

I repeatedly told Husband my car would stall out randomly and back fire upon turning over. He kept saying he will fix it, look at it and he never did. This went on for 6 months and he just kept ignoring the issue.

Then I decided to insist he take my car to work, I am not driving that unreliable car. My thinking was once he has to deal with the stalling out he will fix it.

He goes about 2 weeks ago to take the car to work, he turns it over and it back fired and this time the engine caught on fire. The car is totally destroyed.

Now when ever I have to be some where, I make him find a ride to work etc... I will not being inconvinced anymore because of his irresponsibility, because if he would have addressed the issue with the car 6 months ago, it wouldn't be a pile of ashes today.

[shatra]

Hi

Krista wrote

He would come home and act like I was being unreasonable for complaining how late he is.

Yet, if I had the car and he needed to go do something he would call my cell and ride me to get home, and if I didn't get home within his allotted time another call comes in.

"are you almost done?"

-----It sounds like he was feeling "abandoned" (evven in this mini---time-limited way! They are very sensitive to abandonment.

Have a nice day

Shatra

[krista8521]

  Shatra,

You know, I think with the above situation he sounds like a lot of immaturity emotionally.

BPD has listed a trait of "self centered" they want what they want, when they want it, and NOW!

I frankly would appease him when he calls and says are you gonna be home soon?  "yup, on my way" and continue to take your normal time.

When you get home, let him carry on and just say 'I hurried' and don't even argue. He will self extinguish on his own.

My Husbands newest one, is in the morning we have a house full of teens and one bathroom.

The minute he gets up, and if someone is in there he throws this enormous tantrum, hes gotta go, doing pee dances, huffing and puffing, groaning etc... .

He acts like a dam two year old over it, despite everyone else patiently waits their turn.

I really think he just feels that he is so much more important, entitled to go first etc... .

We all ignore him now and he has stopped the drama, because people just walk past him while he is acting like a moron.

It's that emotional imaturity thing.

[briefcase]

Hello everyone

My exuBPDgf was away, NC, for a month. Then I started contact by facebook and text, and she liked it, but she´s been back and forth from interested to indifferent. It´s like she´s pretending that she´s very independent, like if I was dispensable, and like she´s busy with important things and can´t pay attention. It´s a bit weird, it doesn´t seem natural. She doesn´t text, if I don´t. But if I do, she´s friendly, although cautious.

Is this typical? Is she still in the emotional hangover (she had panic attacks for a week, a month ago, engulfment and abandonment fears)? Is she in some kind of dissociation?

Thanks

Well, you describe her as your ex.  You were no contact for a month.  You reached out to her, not the other way around.  And, now she's receptive to you but cautious.

I might be missing something, but I'm not really seeing a big problem with her cautious approach.  Do you think she owes you an apology for something?  I didn't really get that from your post, other than that the nc was somehow her doing.

Try not to over-analyze this.   

 

[whatathing]

Thank you, briefcase yes, I´m over-analyzing. I don´t blame her and don´t think I deserve apologies, I´m just curious if she´ll change again about me, or if this is for good... . and it really is strange to me to see this kind of indifference, how can she not miss me, not think about all that we shared and lived together, the way I do. It doesn´t seem authentic, also.