Need help calming down. NC but she emails anyway.

[lessdramanow]

We have been NC with my uBPD MIL for a few years.  She has emailed us or had a family member who never contacts us email us about once a year. This year it's been twice so far. Every time this happens, I feel so much stress and anxiety. I worry that she'll show up on our doorstep one day, or try to kidnap her golden grandchild (our kid). from the bus stop.  She lives in another state, but it's definitely driveable.

Can you help talk me down?  I need some strategies to help myself calm down whenever this happens. I still feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though we're NC. It's soo much better than when we were in contact, but I get all freaked out whenever she tries to contact us. (we just delete the emails without reading).

[nomom4me]

Hi Lessdrama, I like the name and I feel your anxiety.

The first boundary I made with my mom was "no email",  this was 4 years ago and she keeps pushing.  I have an elaborate set of filters, and now her messages get an auto-reply.  My mom took to emailing me about important issues after I asked her to stop, she escalated to facebook stalking, I moved my blog and she has gone as far as monitoring a relatives email account (after asking the relative to email me).  Do you have email filters set up?  Are you reading or responding to the mail at all?

My mom sent one last week, I know it was reactionary because we had just spoken by phone - I noticed the message in my "out" box (her emails are forwarded to another account).  For the first time in four years, I didn't read the email. I am finally starting to feel empowered instead of scared - I guess it just took time and support.  I used to go in an "check" her account to see if there was anything important, and I made the mistake of replying more than once but, after she emailed when an important document came to her address (and I didn't see the email for over a week) I made sure her address is nowhere in my records and set her emails to auto-reply.

It gets better, I promise.  I was fearing my mom showing up at the door, but now that I have talked it out with my therapist I have realized that I can pretend not to be home, and if it really gets bad the community I live in does have private security - maybe make a plan for if she does show up.  I'm curious if the weekends holiday was part of the stress?  I have a stress-related medical issue and realized it flares up around holidays, so now I don't feel guilty about missing holidays with my family because my health is more important.  Therapy has been a huge help, and my general Dr. has been a big help too.