How do I rise above being a NPD bully target?

[MyAimIsTrue]

It's been a long time (a couple of years, maybe?) since I've posted last.  I am a daughter of a uBPD waif mom and dad with N traits.  I've been dealing with a lot of bullying in the workplace over the past couple of years. 

Trust me when I say that I've questioned myself, my sanity every time but others have seen it and validate my experiences.  Now, I need to work closely with someone who is much higher on the totem pole than me, is very negative with many N-traits.  He is ex-military, in the field of medicine and basically criticizes everything I say and do.  It's hard for me to even stop my hands from shaking in meetings with him.  I've stopped meeting with him one-on-one because I actually don't even feel... .   safe?  It's a whole new triggering situation when I thought I've been "healed" from my childhood raised by a BPD mom and n-trait dad.  I spoke with my boss and he supports me, but both of us are worried about retaliation. 

I just know that if it doesn't stop or even slow down at some point soon (Like many adults, I also have a very stressful, fast-paced full time job and kids on top of this), I may need to walk away without another job lined up.  My husband supports me in that, but I feel like I need to be stronger.  Like I said though, this man has more power than me and could probably ruin my career and livelihood if he felt like it and lately, he's been escalating. 

I'm walking on eggshells again and the stakes are higher.  I can't just go NC with someone I work with.  I have to face him on almost a daily basis lately and because he is an important executive within the organization I work in, even my documented incidences and witnesses are extremely touchy.  I am pretty sure that HR won't even want to touch it with a 10 ft pole! 

There are many more details, but I'd really like to hear your stories.  If you have been bullied at work as a result of a lack of self-esteem/empowerment from being raised by a PD parent, how did you overcome?  Also, does anyone see more PD people in certain industries than others?  I have been applying to other positions and networking, but I'm afraid that even the hiring process might be too long for me.  I may need to freelance and in my line of work that means up to 80% travel away from my family    Anyway, I am rambling.  My goal is to try to stick it out for as long as I can because I've always allowed the bullies in my life to stomp all over me, I ignore it and let it happen, then eventually flee.  I'd really like to develop some better coping skills instead and stand my ground as someone who really believes she is worthy enough.  I want to command respect without saying a word.  As of right now, I'm ready to continue my pattern of running fast and far and taking nothing away from it.  Thank you! 

[boppy]

I have no idea how to deal with this. I have a similar problem.

However, I have actually considered doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy myself--when I read about it, it feels like I need that ability to step away from my strong feelings in moments like that.

The person activates you and there is really no way to handle that intense rush of emotions.

[shutout]

I am a magnet for scapegoating and bullying both personally and professionally.  I have little idea as to why I am the "preferred target".  One thing I have noticed is that I do not have this problem with people that appear to have true self esteem coupled with no need for power trips.  Not sure whether this equates to the fact that they have true self esteem so they find no need to bother with me or it means that in some way I set off insecure people unintentionally.

I have followed many different suggestions on how to deal with bullying/scapegoating however in my experience, once it has started it is usually too late and I have had no option other than to "flee" the situation.  It often seems the perpetrator usually has excelled over a period of time in lining up their ducks so any attempt to bring to light the true dynamics of the situation appear petty or childish. 

I would be interested in others experiences on this and what/if they have discovered any preventative or protective measures.

I feel for you.

[Kwamina]

Hi MyAimIsTrue,

I think it might help to ask yourself certain questions. The answers can give you better insight and help you become stronger.

1. Does this co-worker remind you of your dad? Are there specific things he says or does that resemble the way you were treated by your parents as a kid?

2. Do you value his opinion about you and if so why? Is his view of you more important than your own view of yourself and if so why?

3. Are there any (false) negative believes you hold about yourself? Do you feel like he can see straight through you and detect all the negative believes you hold about yourself?

[XL]

I am a magnet for scapegoating and bullying both personally and professionally.  I have little idea as to why I am the "preferred target". 

Ditto. I've had multiple bosses project anger on me when their teenagers are having issues. (I'm kind of young looking). However, I'm a very diligent, organized employee. I have real rage trigger from growing up with my mom, and I'll blow up if pushed enough. Work bullies are the worst, because there's no need for it. It's a closed environment with a captive audience and they know you have to put up with it. These people are usually miserable in their home lives.

I tend to respond with need-to-know facts and don't cave into unreasonable demands or react to bullying. I call it my telemarketer voice. People with power trips find that infuriating. Keep calm, document, and report to HR. Even if you don't think it will help, it could help you build a case for unemployment if you're fired without reason.

[shutout]

I think part of the problem is these types (bullies and scape goaters) don't usually appear in a vacuum.  There is usually a whole "ecosystem" supporting the abuser - (similar to a dysfunctional family dynamic - it entails a lot of interplay between several parties to allow the dynamic to exist).

By the time I have documented enough abuse to present to the higher ups, it seems that it is easier for them to support the abuser as my documentation would bring too many (high up) people down - its just too much hard work for them.

It is probably why peers at work have a harder time scapegoating or bullying at their own level - they don't usually have the backup of management and are more easily disposed of if they display negative behaviour.  Ive found management/supervisor meetings are the perfect breeding ground for abusers to smear staff under them especially as the victim is unaware of the smear campaign until it is too late to effectively defend themselves.

I read something recently with regards to jurors in the courtroom - when asked to ignore a statement it was proven that it is virtually impossible to ignore and not take into account something that has been said.  What I am saying is that it I believe it is extremely challenging to undo the abusers damage. People do not want to believe they have been duped or misled - especially lazy management who would unquestioningly and continuously accept one sided accounts of a colleague without any possible doubt of  the "reporter".  The blind faith, fear of feeling stupid and/or just plain laziness of management is part of the dynamic that allows the abuse to flourish and destroy the victim.

[nomom4me]

I had a boss get too close to me (physically) and in many ways he reminds me of my mother.  I tried to reposition my desk so he would not box me into the corner when he hovered over my shoulder, I talked to him about it - and you know what?  It got worse.  What he has in common with my mother is the obsession with power and control, as soon as he knew it bothered me he kept doing it.  I was working in a small office, there was no one above him to report the behavior to and I ended up leaving the company.

A few techniques that kinda worked were physically moving around him, when he would hover over my desk I started standing up we would both lean over my monitor - not ideal, but better than having my boss breathing in my ear.  :)o what you need to do to get physical space, bathroom breaks etc.

[GeekyGirl]

Keep calm, document, and report to HR. Even if you don't think it will help, it could help you build a case for unemployment if you're fired without reason.

This is very good advice. Even if you don't work for someone with NPD, if you feel like you're being bullied, it's important to document everything. Stay as neutral as possible and when you document, focus on what he says and try to document actual quotations. The other thing I'd suggest is to have someone from HR present at your 1:1 meetings.

Another thing you can do (and this is tough) is to ask for feedback about your performance. It's scary to ask for it (especially after growing up with a critical parent), but it can give you some insight into what this guy is thinking. You'll have a better idea of where you stand. You might hear something you don't want to hear, but remember that you don't have to accept that feedback as gospel.