not sure how to take using the language ...

[Pou]

i find some words powerful... .   especially when used around kids.  I actually find some words that are not profanity are actually worse than profanities.  For example, we all know profanities are BAD and that is just a fact.  Even kids know that.  But when an adult misuse some words that are so ugly and powerful when put it in the wrong context, I think that is actually worse for kids to be exposed to them.  My NPD wife seems to think it is funny to use the following phrase accusing me of reactions that I never had, such as " ... .   you get so mad in reacting and you threatens to kill me" ... .   ok, now, lets put things in perspective.  I know of friends that use "I am going to kill you."  like every few minutes ... .   which I never take them seriously. Especially in their tones of voice.  But for me personally, I find that is very distasteful, so I never ever use that phrase.  I don't find it wrong when used in some settings but never is right when used talking around small children.  On top of that, it is a phrase that I never use, just because I find it too heavy handed.  Unless you are a tiny person, then if that come out of your mouth, it sounded kind of funny (unless you are holding a weapon).   Okay. ... .   so my point is that is something that I would never say.  I have been with my wife for 14 years, and yet, she frequently fabricates the fact that is what I say.  You see how crazy this is?  I can not understand it.  So my assumption is that she must had a relationship in the past where her ex would threaten her repeatedly and instead of confronting him at the time (she was scared?), she decides to empower herself by putting words in my mouth and since everytime that it happens, it always gets me thinking ... . what the heck is going?  so she can attack without fearing the consequences as she experienced in the past?  I dunno ... .   but for years now, it baffles me.  Not sure if this has anything to do with NPD or BPD... .   but if anyone can shed some light for me on this issue... . i would appreciate it.

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[ts919]

My uBPDw frequently does this as well - she puts words in my mouth that I have never uttered.  I can't say I've found a solution to the problem other than to immediately, and calmly, say that i won't continue the conversation if she is going to put words into my mouth that i've never said.  I then walk away from the situation (if possible).  Removing myself is probably the only reason it stops, because she still does it almost every time she explodes on me, but at least now I'm a lot better at just walking away and not giving a crap.  I mean, I know it's not true, I know I've never said it... .   and really, I'm quite tired of caring anymore.  Now as for children (I have a S5 - she is step-mom), if they hear it, I would just wait for a moment alone with them and reassure them that you never said something like that, nor would you ever.  Don't call W a liar to the kid - that won't do any good, just let them know that you didn't say what she was saying you did.  They'll figure the rest out over time  

[briefcase]

I can certainly see why you wouldn't want your kids hearing her say that you threaten to "kill her."  Have you talked to her about it?

[Pou]

Ts919, thanks for your suggestion.  I tried walking away and told her that I won't be having this conversation.  Then she chases after me and proceed to make up more stuff, such as abuse and how I attack her and then starting to make up stuff attacking my mother.  It is really strange, I try to ask her what is really bothering her for many years, tried to be nice and yielded to her for every demands.  Everything she wants I bent over backwards to make it happen.  I notice that she has no idea of the budget so if I try to voice out on her spending about any item, she flips out and HATE me for it.  It looks like her lies is a way to control and get what she wants.    My daughter would later look confused and days later she would tell me that she know mommy is lying and that just breaks my heart.  The best gift for my children is a family without this type of insanity.  My wife knows of no boundaries.  I am very shocked how I never saw this coming before married.

Briefcase,  I tried to talk to her many many times.  It simply doesn't work.  My NPD wife never ever yields... .   she never says sorry for any argument we had for the 15 years that I know her.  Talking logic never seem to work ... .