13 years on, 2 years off, first contact in a year

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place so someone will have to advise if they think this should be moved - I really just want to lay out some thoughts and get some advice, and people here tend to be those who attempting a r/s or maintaining contact:

I had a 13 yr r/s with my ex uBPD/NPD, and for the most part wonderful, although obviously now I know he is not quite who I thought he was.  I'm 48, he is now 54.

His good points - he is intelligent, engaging, funny, interesting, fun-loving - all around a great companion - and I want to remember that for all those years he was a great partner, and someone for many years I never had reason to think was unfaithful (although I don't know that, the change in behaviour was very obvious when he was).  His bad side, he is a cheater - needs women when he feels threatened as back-ups in a range of relationships levels/needs the chase; he can also therefore be a liar, manipulative and when confronted defaults to a range of emotionally abusive tactics.  In this mode, he is highly narcissistic and his empathy is severely impaired.  So, he's never going to be emotionally mature, committed relationship material.

I ended it nearly 2 years ago, he tried to re-engage and there was a 6 month period of sporadic communication.  We never got anywhere, it went round in circles and a year ago I sent him an e-mail responding to some he had sent me - still full of self-pity, wanting me to rescue and hinting that he had regrets it ended and that I was somehow 'special'.  

It was a particularly hard time for me - I was still getting over him and had been out of work for a number of months - I was low.  Basically, I told him I wasn't interested in keeping contact, that I knew he had had a hard year but I didn't know what he wanted/expected me to do about it; and that I felt that I had been made a fool of for long enough.  I heard no more and haven't for nearly a year.

I must admit part of me regretted the way I had written to him - I nearly sent an apology a number of times but in the end I decided it was kinder to both of us to leave it.  It's been hard but I'm glad I did, although I have always struggled with the fact that it ended with us sort of 'at each others throats'.

And so, one year later he pops up asking me to connect on a professional networking site.  I've been on it for a couple of years - a few months ago his profile came up in 'people you might know'    I left it.  I have to admit I was shocked when I saw his name in my E-Mail box.

The thing is I have always said to him I wouldn't ignore him if he contacted me. . .I've always felt that doesn't mean he's going to get his own way and push down my barriers.  On the other hand though, I haven't always communicated in the best way - I was trying to and thought I could but underneath I was holding on to hope that he would attempt to put it right. . .I still really wanted answers.  I realise now that's not going to happen.  What worries me though is that he leaves these gaps, longer and longer and then he pops up. . .and I still answer. . .and what sort of message this gives him - especially as he has N tendencies.  Or, will he have finally have realised that I am on to him sort of thing and just wants the freedom to be in contact?

Any advice welcome to those who really don't want to just ignore  

[sm15000]

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place so someone will have to advise if they think this should be moved - I really just want to lay out some thoughts and get some advice, and people here tend to be those who attempting a r/s or maintaining contact:

I had a 13 yr r/s with my ex uBPD/NPD, and for the most part wonderful, although obviously now I know he is not quite who I thought he was.  I'm 48, he is now 54.

His good points - he is intelligent, engaging, funny, interesting, fun-loving - all around a great companion - and I want to remember that for all those years he was a great partner, and someone for many years I never had reason to think was unfaithful (although I don't know that, the change in behaviour was very obvious when he was).  His bad side, he is a cheater - needs women when he feels threatened as back-ups in a range of relationships levels/needs the chase; he can also therefore be a liar, manipulative and when confronted defaults to a range of emotionally abusive tactics.  In this mode, he is highly narcissistic and his empathy is severely impaired.  So, he's never going to be emotionally mature, committed relationship material.

I ended it nearly 2 years ago, he tried to re-engage and there was a 6 month period of sporadic communication.  We never got anywhere, it went round in circles and a year ago I sent him an e-mail responding to some he had sent me - still full of self-pity, wanting me to rescue and hinting that he had regrets it ended and that I was somehow 'special'.  

It was a particularly hard time for me - I was still getting over him and had been out of work for a number of months - I was low.  Basically, I told him I wasn't interested in keeping contact, that I knew he had had a hard year but I didn't know what he wanted/expected me to do about it; and that I felt that I had been made a fool of for long enough.  I heard no more and haven't for nearly a year.

I must admit part of me regretted the way I had written to him - I nearly sent an apology a number of times but in the end I decided it was kinder to both of us to leave it.  It's been hard but I'm glad I did, although I have always struggled with the fact that it ended with us sort of 'at each others throats'.

And so, one year later he pops up asking me to connect on a professional networking site.  I've been on it for a couple of years - a few months ago his profile came up in 'people you might know'    I left it.  I have to admit I was shocked when I saw his name in my E-Mail box.

The thing is I have always said to him I wouldn't ignore him if he contacted me. . .I've always felt that doesn't mean he's going to get his own way and push down my barriers.  On the other hand though, I haven't always communicated in the best way - I was trying to and thought I could but underneath I was holding on to hope that he would attempt to put it right. . .I still really wanted answers.  I realise now that's not going to happen.  What worries me though is that he leaves these gaps, longer and longer and then he pops up. . .and I still answer. . .and what sort of message this gives him - especially as he has N tendencies.  Or, will he have finally have realised that I am on to him sort of thing and just wants the freedom to be in contact?

Any advice welcome to those who really don't want to just ignore  

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[healingmyheart]

sm15000,

Welcome... .   my ex shared the same exact traits as yours.  He was/is a cheater and lies and deceives to cover up.  He had a physical affair with a married women who introduced us and ultimately he continued the emotional affair and that was our demise.  I couldn't take the lies, deceit, control, manipulation, verbal abuse anymore. 

I have been separated from my ex for 2 months.  He keeps trying to recycle me.  He came over a week again with gifts in hand which I just mailed back to him.  But when he was here I got caught up in it and even let him kiss me... .   we had agreed to be friends but obviously he wants more.  I'm struggling emotionally and having a hard time moving forward.  I know I can't go back to him but I don't know what to do with my self. My life was him and without him I have nothing.  i'm afraid if I don't find myself soon, I'll be at such risk of getting sucked back into his craziness.  Can I ask how you are doing 2 years out from your relationship?  What steps did you take to move on and how long did it take to finally get him out of your mind? 

As far as your ex communicating at this point, I think in general BPD's like to keep the door open with their ex non's for potential recycling.  It sounds to me like you are wanting some form of closure from him and for various reasons, people with BPD cannot give you that.  Nothing has changed in his thought process so that circular forum whereby you get nowhere in discussion will continue.  What's to be gained by reconnecting two years later.  Hopefully you've moved forward and you don't need to step back into unchartered territory which you know is toxic.  Just my two cents... .   if I was two years out of the relationship and over him, I wouldn't risk it. 

[sm15000]

I have been separated from my ex for 2 months.  He keeps trying to recycle me.  He came over a week again with gifts in hand which I just mailed back to him.  But when he was here I got caught up in it and even let him kiss me... .   we had agreed to be friends but obviously he wants more.  I'm struggling emotionally and having a hard time moving forward.  I know I can't go back to him but I don't know what to do with my self. My life was him and without him I have nothing.  i'm afraid if I don't find myself soon, I'll be at such risk of getting sucked back into his craziness.  Can I ask how you are doing 2 years out from your relationship?  What steps did you take to move on and how long did it take to finally get him out of your mind? 

Hi there, thanks for replying.

I'm sorry you are going through this. . .initially it is the most awful and all-consuming struggle emotionally    When I ended it, I knew (romantically) that had to be it.  I had no intent of contacting him and I never heard from him for 4 months so I never had the confusion that you have by him trying to re-engage so quickly.    I did agree to meet up with him a couple of times after that but I never got intimately involved at any point.

I think what really kicked in with me was his words didn't match his actions. . .that was the key, and I had to let that reality in.  It was really hard to take in. . .and because I wanted to believe his words, he kept me hooked with 'hope' for quite a while.  Plus, there comes a point where you really have to ask yourself "am I prepared to allow someone to treat me like this". . .my answer to myself (and I told him) - I'm worth more than that!

How am I doing 2 years out?  OK. . .it's been a huge learning curve and a lesson in life.  I can't say I never think about him. . .I do, every day at some point    I don't know what the hell that's all about - I just live with it.  I haven't dated anyone else since we ended but that hasn't been a major problem for me. . .for ages I simply wasn't ready and I've found peace with being single for a while - I've been in relationships of some sort or another since I was 19. 

What's to be gained by reconnecting two years later

That's the big question isn't it    not a romantic relationship that's for sure.  I don't know - he's one of those people that (without a romantic involvement because then it obviously gets tricky for him) added something to my life.  We are on the same level on so many things that I value. . .and I've found those people come up rarely in life, and I miss that part of him.  I don't expect him to provide closure, I don't want any questions answered, I don't want him to meet my needs.  But you're right, it's always a risk !

[healingmyheart]

Thank you for your response.  I was afraid you'd say that you still have him in your head two years out... .   it's so hard to let go.  In fact when my ex said that he wanted to be friends I was ok with that.  I couldn't go back romantically because of all the lies but like you say, you still enjoy their company and don't want to let them go.  I've been told by many that friendships don't work either with bods and that makes me sad because ultimately it becomes all or nothing. 

I also have been in relationships my whole life.  Married at 20... .   moved straight out of my parents house into my husbands.  Then after he passed, went straight into this relationship.  I've never been alone and I think its time to be comfortable with just being "me." 

Thank you and good luck

[maria1]

I don't know - he's one of those people that (without a romantic involvement because then it obviously gets tricky for him) added something to my life.  We are on the same level on so many things that I value. . .and I've found those people come up rarely in life, and I miss that part of him.



I don't want him to meet my needs.

Hi SM15000

Nice to see you but not so nice that you are going through this dilemma. I picked out the parts above in what you wrote because, to me, this is where the answer might lie; I think there is a contradiction in you in the parts in bold above? I spent months after NC trying to be friends with my ex. He tried really hard not to bust my boundaries during this time and to be a friend. I tried hard not to ask him for anything but there were times I did.

I felt exactly the same way as you did. That nobody else fitted the gap he left. I don't know if they ever will really. We had great times together, better than I had with anybody and maybe I'll never have those times again BUT while we were having those times he was probably trawling dating websites looking for other women. He was certainly emotionally involved with other women. Even as friends he couldn't tell me the truth. I can't be friends with someone who can't be truthful. It's too much of a head****. The reality is that the person who added so much to my life was also misleading me in the most unforgivable way and I never want that in my life again.

Do you?

I ended all contact over 2 months ago after a mini row because I still refuse to let him have my mobile number. I'm starting to feel properly free for the first time in almost 2 years. The gap is still there but I'm learning to fill it with other things and somehow that really is working. I'm dating a little so that I can see there are many, many men out there and I don't need any of them. I can choose a relationship when and if I feel ready.

I know there will be times I feel weak and lonely again and those will be the times I want him back in my life. I also know he may come knocking tomorrow and I'm not sure I can send him away but he isn't the answer for me. It would have been great if he could have been but he cannot be intimate because of the disorder, just as your ex can't. Even as a friend he will push you away again and he will do that by hurting you.

[sm15000]

Even as friends he couldn't tell me the truth. I can't be friends with someone who can't be truthful. It's too much of a head****. The reality is that the person who added so much to my life was also misleading me in the most unforgivable way and I never want that in my life again.  Do you?

Hi Maria 

I know from your posts you've had experience of this 

I suppose I'm not envisaging being 'friends' purely because he's contacted me. . .no, I couldn't take a friendship combined with continual head**** and I've seen others on these boards attempt it and get burned so I know it's fraught with difficulties.   

I also know he may come knocking tomorrow and I'm not sure I can send him away but he isn't the answer for me. It would have been great if he could have been but he cannot be intimate because of the disorder, just as your ex can't. Even as a friend he will push you away again and he will do that by hurting you

This is the thing.  I also know he's not for me but at this point I also don't want that feeling of being the one that 'ignores'.  I am aware that his contact attempt is mostly for him. . .I think part of it is he wants me to validate that I don't think he's the piece of s**t he thinks he is - and the bottom line is I don't want him to bear the emotional weight of that. 

I've learnt a lot the past year about taking care of myself emotionally and emotional maturity.  Basically, I feel I've proved to myself that I can take control - I ended it when it became emotionally unhealthy, I never re-engaged with him intimately and I've taken a year out completely.

I suppose I want to set up a situation where contact is allowed and OK. . .and not the enforcement of NC.  It's getting that balance right 

[maria1]

Ye, that's the reason i find it hard to turn my back. My ex sees himself very negatively and used me to feel better about himself. I saw the good in him and it helped him. He saw the good in me and it helped me. That was good part of our connection.


I think the thing is how the person with BPD sees the contact. I guess that's the bit we have zero control over and all we can do is stay detached. If you feel that you can stay detached then that is one thing, but you do get something from this man, as I do with my ex and that is where it get dangerous for us, because they sense the little chinks and get a little toe in and know just how to work it. It just took a few waves crashing and a beautiful cottage at the seaside and me missing him and he felt that and started pushing at my boundaries after months of not doing. We played push/ pull for a weekend until I snapped and so did he. Is that ultimately good for either of us?

I wish there was a place on here to post about this because I don't think the staying board quite works. No disrespect to people there but most of them have something more they want from the  friendship and do say that.

There are members maintaining healthy contact who are, as I understand, fully detached. They don't tend to post about it much.

[maria1]

I meant to add that my ex does have suicidal ideation and that is hard to ignore. He also has has some therapy and asks me questions about what's wrong with him. Hard to just shut the door in his face when he is desperate.

[sm15000]

I think the thing is how the person with BPD sees the contact. I guess that's the bit we have zero control over and all we can do is stay detached. If you feel that you can stay detached then that is one thing, but you do get something from this man, as I do with my ex and that is where it get dangerous for us, because they sense the little chinks and get a little toe in and know just how to work it. It just took a few waves crashing and a beautiful cottage at the seaside and me missing him and he felt that and started pushing at my boundaries after months of not doing. We played push/ pull for a weekend until I snapped and so did he. Is that ultimately good for either of us?

I'm past the point of even putting myself in that position with him Maria.  I know what you mean that they have a skill at worming their way back in with you, but I do feel romantically detached and in a different place with him.

The suicidal ideation is not something I've really encountered. . .I feel for you there    After we split I did have an e-mail saying if he lost me in his life, he didn't know if he could go on.  He also pretended he had to go into hospital (not for anything critical) and admitted to that later.  I always put the ball back in his court for this stuff - I can't say I knew at the time if I was doing the right thing, all I knew is I wasn't going to be held to ransom by that sort of stuff.

[maria1]

I do think LC can feel more normal than NC, if you feel you are detached enough then maybe give it a go. Just be very, very careful you are clear about your reasons I would say.

Others on here might give you different advice.

All the best with it whatever you decide