pwBPD who suffer from insomnia?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my BPDgf has chronic insomnia.  Most of the time she says it comes from anxiety.  She will have a little trouble falling asleep, and say she's up "forever" (though from the looks of it, it seems like if she doesn't fall asleep in 20 minutes or so, it starts) and starts to panic and think she'll never get to sleep.  Then everything wakes her up, which is part of the reason we don't sleep together.  Is this common in one way or another with BPD?  I know they have trouble seeing the future possibilities, which is why they tend to shift goals and such, but is it common for them to not be able to see an hour ahead badly enough to cause a full scale panic attack about falling asleep?  Or even in general, without the anxiety, is insomnia common?

[Winglessfallen]

my BPDgf has chronic insomnia.  Most of the time she says it comes from anxiety.  She will have a little trouble falling asleep, and say she's up "forever" (though from the looks of it, it seems like if she doesn't fall asleep in 20 minutes or so, it starts) and starts to panic and think she'll never get to sleep.  Then everything wakes her up, which is part of the reason we don't sleep together.  Is this common in one way or another with BPD?  I know they have trouble seeing the future possibilities, which is why they tend to shift goals and such, but is it common for them to not be able to see an hour ahead badly enough to cause a full scale panic attack about falling asleep?  Or even in general, without the anxiety, is insomnia common?

[SadWifeofBPD]

My H has chronic insomnia, which led to alcohol addiction because (without me knowing) around 1am or so, he'd chug a bunch of booze to knock himself out.

Then he added sleeping pills to the mix.  As far as I know, he's still not sleeping well, because  he hypes himself up during the day (caffeine, energy drinks, Adderall), then is too "wound up" and anxious to go to sleep.  He does this to himself.

If your SO is amenable, her T needs to help her develop a nighttime routine that is soothing.  Maybe watch a pleasant TV show, read a pleasant book, take a warm bath, etc.   When she gets into bed, she needs to focus on a happy memory (kind of like a "happy place" and NOT think about things that she's worried about.

[Winglessfallen]

She tried a guided meditation routine that she said helped a lot at one point.  And she has been reading fiction books to distract her and calm her mind, though it there is any excitement in them, it adds to her anxiety.  The ones she's reading now are Christian fiction about inner city women's group and its causing her to fantasize about helping the inner city problems, as well as making her feel convicted about "doing nothing" with her life.  She doesn't see a T, even though I've asked her to a few times.  She thinks her problem is the insomnia, not the mental issues and anxiety.  Basically focusing on the cough instead of the virus in my opinion.

She takes otc sleeping meds and benedryl, as well as magnesium.  She doesn't drink, though, or anything that strong.  She's doesn't like how harder meds make her feel, so she refuses to use those.

[blecker]

I could not imagine falling asleep inside their head. Nothing is at peace.

Mine used wine and drugs with a bit of TV to finally cast off. But she slept fitfully and woke often.

I think over time this too wears the psyche down.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I could not imagine falling asleep inside their head. Nothing is at peace.

Mine used wine and drugs with a bit of TV to finally cast off. But she slept fitfully and woke often.

I think over time this too wears the psyche down.

I completely agree.  The sad part is that because of their emotional immaturity, they often blame others for their fitful thoughts. 

[tuum est61]

I could not imagine falling asleep inside their head. Nothing is at peace.

Mine used wine and drugs with a bit of TV to finally cast off. But she slept fitfully and woke often.

I think over time this too wears the psyche down.

As difficult as it is for us living with a person with BPD, how hard must it be to BE the person with BPD.

I completely agree.  The sad part is that because of their emotional immaturity, they often blame others for their fitful thoughts.  

Oh wow.   Lived this just last night in fact.  She gets up at 330am unable to sleep, and wakes me up as she leaves the room.  She claims this morning that she might have to sleep else where since I am "keeping her up."  

So now what do we do folks?    

[SadWifeofBPD]

I could not imagine falling asleep inside their head. Nothing is at peace.

Mine used wine and drugs with a bit of TV to finally cast off. But she slept fitfully and woke often.

I think over time this too wears the psyche down.

As difficult as it is for us living with a person with BPD, how hard must it be to BE the person with BPD.

I completely agree.  The sad part is that because of their emotional immaturity, they often blame others for their fitful thoughts.  

Oh wow.   Lived this just last night in fact.  She gets up at 330am unable to sleep, and wakes me up as she leaves the room.  She claims this morning that she might have to sleep else where since I am "keeping her up."  

So now what do we do folks?    

In her BPD-brain, you probably are "keeping her up".  She's probably fit-fully sleeping about something in regards to you.  It's not your fault.  It's he BPD.

[Winglessfallen]

I guess I can see that.  I know its difficult to shut my mind off many times, I could only imagine what its like with the BPD voices too.  My own slef esteem and anxiety issues are strong without the disorder.

And yes, I've felt the accusations of it being my fault, which is why I sleep in my son's room and she sleeps in the Master bedroom.  I am trying to give her a chance at sleep, I suppose.

[tuum est61]

I guess I can see that.  I know its difficult to shut my mind off many times, I could only imagine what its like with the BPD voices too.  My own slef esteem and anxiety issues are strong without the disorder.

And yes, I've felt the accusations of it being my fault, which is why I sleep in my son's room and she sleeps in the Master bedroom.  I am trying to give her a chance at sleep, I suppose.

As a boost to your self esteem, and to start looking after you, what would happen if you got back into bed in the "master" bedroom.

[atcrossroads]

I'm the odd one out here.  My uBPDh sleeps like a champ.  He always has smoked marijuana before bed, but even without (out of town or something), he still goes right to sleep.

I've been a high maintenance (need pitch dark, quiet, certain pillows, etc.) sleeper my whole life.

I have always thought the sleep thing tended to be gender related -- many of my friends don't sleep well, but their husbands sleep like babies.

[Winglessfallen]

Tuum:

There have been a couple times that I've fallen asleep in bed, and it doesn't necessarily turn out badly, and shes fallen asleep and slept fine, but our son will wake up and I just stay out after that point for fear of keeping her up after he's roused.  When we did sleep together, it was ok, but if I do anything in my sleep to annoy her, generally I would get woken up by her telling me I was doing it (mostly sleeping with my mouth open. I don't snore or move around in my sleep much.)  It might be ok for a while, but honestly, there are so many nights that she is just painting me black that I don't even want to sleep with her.  Plus, I go out like a light and she reads books, which I could sleep through, but she would be distracted by my sleeping, I think.

atcrossroads:

I am apt to agree, I know of many women who have difficulty sleeping, or even insomnia, but I know probably just as many who have no problem sleeping, and actually sleep deeper than I do.  from what I've seen and been told, it changes after have a child.  They start not being able to sleep deeply because they're waiting for the baby to wake up.

[tuum est61]

Tuum:

There have been a couple times that I've fallen asleep in bed, and it doesn't necessarily turn out badly, and shes fallen asleep and slept fine, but our son will wake up and I just stay out after that point for fear of keeping her up after he's roused.  When we did sleep together, it was ok, but if I do anything in my sleep to annoy her, generally I would get woken up by her telling me I was doing it (mostly sleeping with my mouth open. I don't snore or move around in my sleep much.)  It might be ok for a while, but honestly, there are so many nights that she is just painting me black that I don't even want to sleep with her.  Plus, I go out like a light and she reads books, which I could sleep through, but she would be distracted by my sleeping, I think.

I can fully understand the choices you have made regarding your sleeping arrangements, but part of taking better care of yourself and changing the situation for the better may "lie" in changing where and how you sleep (pardon the pun)

To not sleep in your bed because "she would be distracted by my sleeping, I think," is telling me that you need to put some balance between her needs and your own.  

I think you should consider falling asleep more often in your bed with your wife - and come back to bed after looking after your son - or in fact just "lie" there and see what happens if you don't go look after him.  

Again, I get where you are at.  I have been there.  I looked after everything and tried to make it as easy on my uBPDw as possible - asking for nothing.  She had absolutely no respect for me.   I still don't get enough respect, intimacy, and support, but it is better since I've asserted myself.  Some of its has to do with some adjustments in her behaviour, but most of it flows from the fact I made decisions to look after ME.  

What do you think?

[empathic]

I'm back in the master bedroom again as I was "ambushed" a few weeks ago by my MIL staying over three nights (this was decided by my wife the night before), taking our spare bedroom. Me moving back there now would require making a statement again, which I might do, but don't have the energy right now.

It's been somewhat better this time around. When I moved out of the master b last time it was due to my w waking me up in the middle of the night claiming she could not sleep because of me and storming off angrily to another room. I think my w knows now that I will no longer tolerate just anything anymore, so now she says things like "Oh I really slept bad last night", although to me it sounds the same as before. We'll see how it goes.

On a side note, she once (in the beginning of our r/s) woke me up and told me that I "breathed too loudly" which at the time I found a bit funny as in "am I not allowed to breathe now?" :-)

[tuum est61]

Me moving back there now would require making a statement again, which I might do, but don't have the energy right now.

Not sure Im following this correctly, so bear with me. 

Are you saying you are staying in the MB for now?  What is the statement you would make if you move back to the spare room?

[empathic]

Are you saying you are staying in the MB for now?  What is the statement you would make if you move back to the spare room? [/quote]
Yes, that's right, I'm staying in the MB.

What I mean is this. Right now she's happy that I'm back (I think). Me moving to the spare would be like again saying "I don't want to sleep in the same room as you", and there might be turmoil that I'm not ready for right now.

However, my tolerance for offensive behaviour has gotten lower this past year, so I think I'll stay in this arrangement until she crosses the line.

[Winglessfallen]

Tuum:

She will occasionally say "I miss you" or some other variation of that, but it feels like she's stringing me along sometimes.  I think she likes the arrangement, honestly.  And I can't say I want to sleep with her, sometimes.  Most of the time, I just want to go to sleep and its better to just go upstairs and leave her to herself.

If I were to just leave it be, I'm pretty sure I would be piled on with a giant guilt trip and not allowed to sleep.

I feel like i'm trying to cater to her needs, but at the same time, I feel really selfish sometimes... .   I don't really know how to unpack all that.

Empathetic:

I know how it is.  We tried to sleep together once a while ago, and it went well, but the we tried again and she was being invasive.  We've never gotten past two nights.  I'm glad that things are going well for you at the moment.  Isn't it difficult to try and attach, but feel you have to hold a barrier for when the bounds are overstepped again?

[empathic]

Empathetic:

I know how it is.  We tried to sleep together once a while ago, and it went well, but the we tried again and she was being invasive.  We've never gotten past two nights.  I'm glad that things are going well for you at the moment.  Isn't it difficult to try and attach, but feel you have to hold a barrier for when the bounds are overstepped again?

Yes, it is a very delicate balance, and I don't like it at all since I'm more "all in"... .   that is, if you're together with someone you should be able to share everything and respect eachother IMO. Keeping boundaries is something I've been very bad at, in all kinds of relationships, so in a way it's an awakening.

My wife also wakes up very easily, and goes to bed early. That means that most of the times I wake her up when sleeping together, as I like to stay up later. So separate rooms means we both sleep a lot better, but she's very set on having a shared one.