Out of luck...

[Depression = 72% of members]

It seemed easier to post in the "newbie" section.  Now I'm starting over but have confidence it will be okay... .    

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My best friend's Father died the other day.  This Man was so wise he told me in his own subtle way that my uBPD Mother doesn't know how to love.  And that was 30 years ago.

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He tried to tell me what my Mother was capable of, but I just couldn't believe a Mother's love wouldn't win out.

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RIP Sir, you were indeed, the wisest of the wise.

[Swampy]

It seemed easier to post in the "newbie" section.  Now I'm starting over but have confidence it will be okay... .    

-

My best friend's Father died the other day.  This Man was so wise he told me in his own subtle way that my uBPD Mother doesn't know how to love.  And that was 30 years ago.

-

He tried to tell me what my Mother was capable of, but I just couldn't believe a Mother's love wouldn't win out.

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RIP Sir, you were indeed, the wisest of the wise.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Swampy,

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like your friend's father was very insightful.

It can be hard for us to accept our parents as they really are--for many reasons. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that our mothers cannot love us in the unconditional way that we want or need them to.

How are you doing today?

[louise 716]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Swampy]

Thank you two for your condolences and for caring.  I don't know how I'm doing really.  My PTSD symptoms seem to be resurfacing but knowing where my feelings of depression are coming from seems to help. 

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It's kind of strange but I think I've gotten to the point that even if I could open up my Mother's head and pour in knowledge of her disorder and how to overcome it... .   I wouldn't do it.  It seems to me that the realization that she didn't have to live 84 years with such insecurities and internal turmoil would be more depressing than she could handle.  Since I'm more concerned with her feelings than she is of mine... .   does that mean I'm experiencing Stockholm syndrome?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Swampy,

Welcome to the big kid pool. Contrary to popular belief, there are no sharks here. We don't bite. Congratulations on taking the plunge, and I hope that testing the waters finds you stronger today.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a special man. 

PTSD is tough to deal with. I'm sorry you're struggling right now, but it does get easier. Recognizing your feelings is a good step.

It's kind of strange but I think I've gotten to the point that even if I could open up my Mother's head and pour in knowledge of her disorder and how to overcome it... .   I wouldn't do it.  It seems to me that the realization that she didn't have to live 84 years with such insecurities and internal turmoil would be more depressing than she could handle.  Since I'm more concerned with her feelings than she is of mine... .   does that mean I'm experiencing Stockholm syndrome?

Well, I think we're hardwired to love our parents and to think about them. Oftentimes, people with BPD can't change because change feels unsafe. I think you're wise to recognize that your mom can't change and that it may not be in her best interests at this point because of her illness. Your mother's illness makes her emotionally immature, so chances are she can't be as concerned about your feelings as you are for hers. Do you think you should be more worried about your own feelings and desires?

Take care dear one.

[Swampy]

Scarlet, thank you so much for the thoughts and understanding and yes, I'm quite sure I should worry more about me own feelings.  I used to feel so silly, so immature when I had feelings that when I felt like... .   no one really loves me.  Now that it's been confirmed that my Mother doesn't have the capacity to love, I guess I was just being perceptive.  But intellectualizing it and coming to grips with it are two different things.  And then of course, the self-doubting questions like... .   If my Mother never learned how to love, what makes me think I did?  If I thought my life was normal, and now I know it was anything but... .   what makes me think I know what normal is... .   then or now?  And round and round the PTSD circle I go until I come to the conclusion that it's a cold, cruel world where no one is loved for the sake of love but only for what they can provide... .   which surely explains why there's no one to love me since I am socially disenfranchised and have no good job and can hardly provide for myself.

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This helps me live with it, I guess as long as I ignore that I see pretty women hooked up with low wage earning guys all the time.  Sorting thru it all gets so frustrating that I give up processing it all and take some sort of solace in the depression.  But I never give up because one day I'm going to break thru... .   and the rewards will be that much sweeter and the depression won't exist in the hunger and uncertainty of today.  How's that for being messed up?

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When I reread this... .   I think, I shouldn't post this but my thoughts are so scrambled I doubt I'll start over and say it better, which means just doing nothing, and I know I need to reach-out in order to get better, so here goes... .   what a cycle.

[ScarletOlive]

Swampy, I hear ya on the swirling thoughts and questions about love and normality. What is normal though? We're all a little crazy, a little unique, and very human.

I'm sure you know at least some things about love. Your friend's father loved you for instance, as I'm sure did your friends. And you love them back. It's different from parental love, but you do know how to love. Since love is philosophical and personal, I can't tell you what to think about your mom. For me though, I think that my mom loved me as best she could, which was conditionally. She hurt me deeply, but she tried to show love to the best of her ability.

But I never give up because one day I'm going to break thru... .   and the rewards will be that much sweeter and the depression won't exist in the hunger and uncertainty of today.  How's that for being messed up?

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When I reread this... .   I think, I shouldn't post this but my thoughts are so scrambled I doubt I'll start over and say it better, which means just doing nothing, and I know I need to reach-out in order to get better, so here goes... .   what a cycle.

I'm glad you did post this. You have a lot of hope, and know that you can succeed. What you wrote reminds me a lot of radical acceptance. It's the thought of accepting the things we can't change (others) and working on those that we can (ourselves). Radical Acceptance for family members

Do you write or have a method of expressing your thoughts? Journaling might help those swirling thoughts settle.

Much love and support to you.

[Clearmind]

Having a BPD father I often wondered whether he did love me or not. His love didn't fit my version of love and have come to accept that he shows it differently - however he does love.

When I reread this... .   I think, I shouldn't post this but my thoughts are so scrambled I doubt I'll start over and say it better, which means just doing nothing, and I know I need to reach-out in order to get better, so here goes... .   what a cycle.

Swampy this is a safe place for you to talk about your feelings. You may have become accustomed to shutting yourself off when you feel – it’s our own way of protecting ourselves.

Your inner critic is going napalm on you right now. Maybe write a post with some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors  . Its OK to not be perfect.

To heal is to be open and feel the emotions so we can process them in a healthy way instead of shutting ourselves out.

Welcome!

[Swampy]

Thanks for the welcome and I suppose you're correct about the napalm so I'm going to post again, even if it seems I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

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I think it comes down to becoming accustomed to the fact that I'm unloved, at least in a healthy sort of way.  To me, it defies logic to label parental abuse as "love."  It may be the only way the parent knows to express love... .   but to the recipient, it's not only not love; but it's something even worse.

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I get some comfort from reading these threads but my Mother is still actively involved in sabotaging my life... .   so, just eating on a daily basis has become an uncertainty.  But that's something that can't be fixed on these boards.