Leaving one more time... this one is finale

[shenanigan247]

I have left & come back 5 times in the last 7 years. Before I knew he had BPD & was devastated & confused by his behavior.

  Of course the relationship moved very quickly when I met him, it was about 2 months before I was moving in with him, bought me an engagement ring after 1 month.  I was very vulnerable as I had just moved 1300 miles to a different state, new job had just gotten out of an abusive relationship.  He was so kind & romantic, laughed at my jokes, affectionate... .   It was after about 6 months living together he stopped laughing at my jokes or even "getting" my humor, became very judgemental, unavailable emotionally.  Suddenly he wouldn't go out to eat or do anything with me. Cheated on me constantly, stops talking for a month at a time.

I became very depressed, confused started doubting myself & wondered if what he said about me was true. My self esteem took a dive, then he put me down for being depressed. Very cruel & cold. So I was a mess moved & lived with my aunt for awhile as I worked from home.  He begged me to come back even came & moved me back in... .   again all this 3 more times. Finally, I moved back to the area as I got a new job, I had to have him co-sign for me because of my financial situation he was more than happy to.  Then he wanted to come over all the time to have sex, It was always good but after it felt so empty & I felt used. So we didn't talk for 2 years. At that time I went thru all the anger (lots of anger) then more depression... . got past it then I had to have him cosign when I renewed my lease... . so he started asking me to go out to dinner, movies ect. I had 2 jobs & had little time so we didn't talk again for months. The he started calling saying he felt suidical went to the hospital where they diagnosed BPD he started seeing a T, he bought a book on BPD seemed relieved & excited that there was a name for his issues. He opened up to me wrote letters that he always loved me & apologized for not being there for me. This is the only time he has ever said he was sorry.  So I moved back in, he built a deck & created a garden space for me ect.  I went back this last time because he was in therapy & was really trying... . I moved back in & he  suddenly had to get a new T, went once & said no one can help me... . Then once again no emotions, we stopped going places together, texts, calls stopped. I moved into the spare room, I am again depressed & have anxiety now & I was having a meltdown & he just walked away in disgust.  Very hurtful.  I couldn't even treat a stranger like that, he only wants sex & no intimacy & it will be weeks before he'd even talk to me until he wants sex. ... . anyway same old cycle except, this I went into this with my eyes wide open, he is so predictable.  I learned about BPD & joined this website & it made all the difference. I know who I am & that I am a caring person (too caring obviousy) So I expected  the worst thinking I would not be hurt because I already went thru the cycles of grieving & knew what to expect... . we'll I Started having severe anxiety & am on depressants & anxiety medicine.  Had no depression or anxiety when I lived alone so basically I am hurting just in different ways.

I am in the process of house hunting, he suddenly is talking to me somewhat & even went with me to see some places, No I did not ask him to. So this weekend he even invited me to lunch but when he was done he just left me there to finish my lunch alone, who does that? I refuse to be hurt by this or him any longer. Sorry about writing a book here guess I just need to vent... . He sent me classifieds for homes near where he lives... . ugh

I am done this is the final move, I have boundries, I know who I am & I deserve to be treated with respect, I deserve love.  So I will have to learn to trust & love again if I ever do get in another relationship. I will have to work on me & try to repair the damage, & toll this relationship has taken on me.

[seeking balance]

 

We all get to a point when we finally know we are done... .   many times I thought I was, but the time I really was, felt different... .   I really was done.

Take good care of you right now!

Peace,

SB

[Hurt llama]

We all get to a point when we finally know we are done... .   many times I thought I was, but the time I really was, felt different... .   I really was done.

Take good care of you right now!

Peace,

SB

It's good to read and take this in... .   as that's how it probably is in most relationships, BPD or not... .

It takes how many times it takes I suppose and how much pain you can handle or even want on some level without being aware.

[shenanigan247]

I only wish I knew about BPD the first time (and the 2nd, 3rd & 4th) that I left. I wasted so much time & energy on trying to make it work. So devasted, confused.  But only moving forward now.