I might have an uBPD mother?

[Babysteps]

I'm not sure how trigger warnings work on this forum, but I'll but it here:

Warning: Triggers for Emotional Abuse, Neglect, Suicide, and Depression

Hello everyone! You can call me Babysteps. I am a college freshman who has had a very rocky start to the transition of my adult life. I'm also a Psychology major and a German minor.

This past year has been a living nightmare, which by what I have previously experienced, means a lot. Most teenagers deal with the difficulties of being independent-away from home- type of stress. I have an overwhelming amount of new change-other than leaving the area I grew up by myself without any support. All these dramatic life changes and coming to a positive environment has made me realize that my mother might be undiagnosed with BPD. I'll try some brief bullet points so this won't turn into a dreadfully long memoir. If you want more details, I am happy to provide, just ask!

Two background points before my list that might help clear things up. I am a triplet (so I have two other siblings in college) and I have a little sister who's currently a junior in high school. My dad is currently a recovering alcoholic. I am VERY proud of him! Even when he was an alcoholic, his worst day is nothing compared to my mom normally. My junior year of high school, I started driving, and I was then diagnosed with ADD. See, I got good grades (I guess I was working my butt off beyond the point imaginable), and even was in advance/honor classes before diagnosis, which caused me to not be diagnosed later on. The event that caused it though... .   I'll talk more later.  

Last year-when I was a senior in High School:

• My dad moved out of our house to take care of my grandma, who has Alzheimer's.



• Our money started getting really tight-tighter than even before



• My dad has been in and out of unemployment



• I was diagnosed with several new learning disabilities while also was in the guess-and-check stage with my ADD meds



• My parents told my siblings and me that they were getting a divorce



• My mom started getting very bad... .   daily... .   I suspect, because my dad was not there to take the full blow of her emotions



• My mom stopped buying a lot of food and making dinner every night



• My triplet sister started buying us groceries to make up on what my mom didn't buy



• My parents went from still being friends to absolutely hating each other



• My parents officially divorced this past summer



• Our graduation party-big fight between my parents-my mom claims the party as more a "celebration of raising triplets" than us graduating high school... .  

Beginning of my College Experience:

• My mom made threats saying we are selling our childhood house (fall)



• Fall break was emotional with her being her difficult self



• My mom quits her job that she has worked at for (at least 4 years? I can't remember) to start a new job closer to my aunt's house



• My lil sis gets into a car accident-a slight bumper bump (but it was our run-down "kids" car that wasn't worth fixing)



• 2 days before Thanksgiving, my mom gets fired from that job, leaving my family having 0 income (other than from the jobs that my siblings and I had), no health insurance, among many other things



• My mom was emotionally awful all of Thanksgiving break.



• Winter Break: a bunch of preps for selling the house (it's definite now)



• Day before Christmas eve: we had Christmas on my Dad's side, my mom calls my lil sister picking a fight, leads to an argument between my sisters & me vs my brother in the car, leads to my mom kicking my two sisters out of the house that night and my little sister having a panic attack



• Christmas Eve: I pick a fight with my mom (I know-stupid of me) calmly trying to call her out on her emotional abusiveness (again), end up apologizing for it later



• My mom gets a job the last week of my Winter Break-but we still have no health insurance



• I boxed up all of my belongings in my childhood room before I go back to school



• 2 weeks before my Springbreak, my mom spontaneously decided to throw out my triplet sister's bed without telling us--calls my lil sis a "spoiled brat" for standing up for us



• My mom finds out my lil sis told us about it and picks a fight a few days later. In this fight, she says how we all are making her suicidal... .  



• The day I come home for Springbreak (a friday) is the 1st day our house goes on the market



• 4 days later-that monday, Our house gets bought... .  



• That Wednesday, my mom finally told us it was bought... .  



• That friday, I bought my lil sis a massive teddy bear to try to help her cope while my triplet sis & I are away at school



• Throughout the week, I packed the rest of my belongings that I didn't do over winter break



• My mom & I get a fight over where my lil sis is going to live (my mom hasn't found an apartment yet)-my mom "refuses to let her live with your father because he's unemployed". But honestly, living with my mom would be worse... .   She's willing to go to court about this.



• ^Also means I'm currently homeless once school ends. My mom already expects that I'm going to live with her. I'm scared to say no because she might take it out on my siblings.



• That Saturday (Aka the last day in my childhood house)- my mom decided to go to my Aunts. No Dinner. Once again. When I called her about it-she said she forgot. My triplet sister came home that day too for her spring break



• The following weekend, my mom takes my bro on a college visit in my dad's car (which my dad was lending to my bro), hits black ice, and flips twice into a ditch before landing on the side. They managed to make it out only sore though (and I am so thankful for that). I found out from my dad complaining to me in text message 9 hours later... .  
  
  
• Following Thursday, my dad gets into a car accident with my grandma's car... .   He also managed to only be sore (once again, another miracle) both accidents involved lots of fights between my parents

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Okay so that is basically the brief over the year of major events. I left out a lot of the major events where my mom and  got in a fight though. There's so many different situations that has happened... .   It's hard to process. Basically the past year, I have lost everything I loved and cherished in life that has gotten me through the rough times. I also realized that my mom shouldn't be treating my siblings and me the way she does; that she has always been this way too. I realized this is emotional abuse and neglect (although I'm still grasping the concept of it). I realized I had an illusion of growing up being the friend with the good family: a house, parents that weren't abusive, being well-off, and a family that believed that blood was thicker than water. I realized that most of everything I thought I had was actually something I did not have, or have been lost in the past year.

I use to be suicidal in 4th grade, also. I was heavily bullied, but I also now realize the functioning of my family and being undiagnosed with several learning disabilities also contributed to that depression.  

With my diagnosis of ADD, it was a morning my mom was taking me out driving. I spaced out while taking a left turn and nearly T-Boned a lady. I was thrown back into reality by my mom screaming like a mad woman (which is probably a normal reaction). But that screaming continued for the rest of the day, and then also continued for the rest of the month. She would hunt me down daily and tell me how "There MUST be something wrong with you. You are an honors student! You are suppose to be able to drive! The rest of your siblings are able to! You could have killed that woman-you could have killed me! You are a danger. That lady probably has a husband and kids. You could have made him widowed. You could have made her kids motherless. You could have made her parents daughter-less. There must be something wrong with you!" To this day, I shake while driving every time someone cuts me off, I don't notice a stop sign or sees the light change, ect.

I'm sorry that all this is really choppy and unorganized. I'm kinda just putting it all out there. I haven't really gone into how my mother is yet, but hopefully this gives you guys a broad overview? I'm pretty sure my mother has BPD. She fits all the symptoms. I've just been so off-balanced with all the stress lately and I'm not sure what to do with anything in my life right now. Thank you for reading! Sorry that this is so long.

[BioAdoptMom3]

  and  !  Please do not apologize for putting it all out there!  Everyone needs a place to vent and you certainly have had your share of difficulties and stress over the years, especially recently!  Just one of those things you listed would be enough to stress a person out!   You have come to the right place!  It is our DD, age 13 who has BPD traits, but there is a board here specifically for children who have parents with BPD.  You also should post there!

I have not been here long, but I have this to be a very supportive and encouraging place!   

[Being Mindful]

Hello Babysteps,



I'm glad you found us and so sorry to hear how you are suffering. It is difficult to know whether you mom has BPD as it can only be diagnosed by a qualified professional. That said, there is certainly a history that has led you to this site for support and answers. You are in a great place for both.

I'd like to provide a couple of links to get you started. They are:

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Is there a specific behavior or issue that you are seeking support on?

How about your siblings? How are they coping and have you shared your suspicions with them?

Looking forward to hearing from you and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[FunnyGirl1]

Your story sounds similar to mine. Glad to know I'm not alone. Stay strong!

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much everyone   I feel very welcomed.

With the whole diagnosis of my mother: I don't think it's possible.

I've done some research into BPD. I know some individuals with the disorder are not capable of having realization that they have the disorder because the way it particularly affects them. I am positive my mom has some type of mental illness, and I have had discussions with her about getting help. The whole parentification is something that my siblings and I definitely have. I have talked to my mom about her having Depression, and she said she doesn't want help because the psychologists cannot help her-it doesn't work. I have approach her about her emotion problems, and how she can be abusive, and she lashes out badly each time. I cannot communicate with my mom. It doesn't matter how mature and supportive I am for her, she takes ANY type of constructive criticism as a bullet in her chest. To get her properly diagnosed, that would involve professionals, and would also involve us needing to take legal action. To be honest, that would be terrifying for my family to do.

With specific behaviors: I'm not entirely sure. Right now I'm still putting all the pieces together. I guess one part I'd like to have help on is identifying what is considered abuse. I'm still in that process. Another part I would like to have help with is breaking the control my mom has over me and my siblings. I want to know how I can stop her from damaging us more.

My siblings, well, we all are surviving. I have shared my suspicions. My dad strongly feels that my mom has this too. I'd say we are coping the best we can, but my mom has worsen dramatically over the past year. If it is BPD, I think it might connect to her and my father divorcing. Rejection and abandonment is definitely one of her fears. Since my father is out of the house, she started coming down harder and lashing out at my siblings and me. But my triplet sister and I moved out. We both go to colleges a large distance away from home. I feel awful because my brother and my little sister are currently stuck with my mom. It rips me apart how my mom treats my little sister... .   My little sister has matured so much in the past year alone, it's painful for me to see. I still listen to her and help her whenever she calls, but I know I can't take the full blows like I would at home.

My mom's condition still gets me, even when I'm at school. She constantly posts on facebook about how she loves us, how she is such an amazing mother, how much she misses us. But phone calls? Those are only when she wants something. Or wants to yell at me about something. My whole life, she always gone on and on and on about how we are such AWFUL kids. Even though we never caused trouble. We all were actually amazing kids.

I know now that my parents are divorced, my mom is treating us even more like possessions. She's always hugging us, telling us she looves us so much, and then the next moment she tells us how we are such ungrateful, lazy, irresponsible, selfish, spoiled kids. How she does all this work for us and we do nothing in return. Plus, anything that we accomplish is because of her. The reason why my triplet sister and I made the dean's list at our colleges last semester? Because of all those hours she spent helping us with homework when we were a kid... .   Even though I was undiagnosed with my LDs until I was a Junior/Senior in high school.

I think the worse part of it all is how wishy-washy she is. She told me that I'm so irresponsible that I will drop out of college. She told me how I'm going to become an alcoholic just like my father. She even had the nerve to tell me that I will abuse my own children when I grow up... .   All of this was said in one argument a little less than a year ago. A few days later, she was going on and on about how wonderful I will do in college and how she believes in me. I mention what she said that night and she completely denies ever saying that. That she "didn't mean it that way" among other stuff. It's damaging because I never know what to expect.

Thank you so much, once again, for listening and everything. You guys are wonderful! & Funnygirl1: I'm glad my story helps you, although I'm sorry that you are in a situation that is similar to mine. All I know is, it does get better, we both just need to fight through it.

[chriskell]

Welcome! I'm also new here and also have an uBPDm. I related to all the things you said about college and family stress, even though I am old enough to be your mother. I hope you can focus on yourself during this time and take care of yourself. I struggled during college at times, with family drama and depression, and even dropped out once but I hung in there. I got counseling at the student counseling center when I needed it (and it was all free). I went to a large school, and it had counseling services including groups for students who came from abusive families. I got help when I needed it and was somehow able to muddle through it all and then go on to graduate school.

I really related to what you said about you and your siblings being amazing. I feel the same way about my siblings and now their spouses and children. My mom is missing out on all these great people because of her choices and her illness. It is very heartbreaking, but I have learned to focus on myself and taking care of myself. It sounds selfish, but it is not. I wish you well.

[XL]

The "empty nest" time seems to be a huge trigger for BPD mothers. Normal parents view their kids as individuals who will eventually need adult skills and freedom; BPD mothers see their kids as possessions, or emotional safety nets, and tend to try to obstruct, degrade, and ruin all attempts at freedom. You'll find a lot of sabotage paired with requests to emotionally help them. They try to shove you back into the role of "their baby" while also parentifying you to get attention. Early college is hard enough as it is.   

Expect a lot of weird requests. Demands to "clean out your storage" in the middle of finals. Demands that you share account, medical, and financial info. Dumping on you as if you were a professional shrink. Demands that you spend all breaks at the "family home" as if you still lived there.

You need to make a clean break and build your adult life now. Get your own year round housing (even if that means sharing a place with 6 other students) and don't go back for spring break or summer. I guarantee that roughing it on a student housing couch for the summer will be easier than putting up with this level of severe mental illness. Learn how to manage your own money and do your own taxes. Be the sole signer on loans and titles, etc. Get on student health insurance, or else have your own income be considered and get on public health. You are the head of your own household now. If she couldn't accept that at 18, she's not going to accept it at 30 either. I strongly recommend paying for classes you might need (like personal finance or driving lessons). A lot of us got into weird positions of parents co-signing on student loans and using that as a weapon, trying to bully into shared car ownership, bullying for access to student records, health insurance fights. 

You might need to scramble for money too; but thrift stores and grocery sales racks exist. The more you can live sufficiently without crossing into debt, the easier it will be to break out from this household. You should get an emergency credit card and pay the balance off completely every month (but REALLY don't use it for treats and vacations. I screwed that up pretty hard).

This might actually be the worst patch you go through. There seems to be a pattern where the last kid out of the house gets the worst of the craziness too, so you should all unite to help the kid sibling.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're at a point where you just want your parents to take you shopping for dorm decorations and pat you on the back for getting good grades, maybe let you leave a few boxes in the attic or pop in to do laundry, and you're dealing with a parent's mental breakdown instead.

[Babysteps]

Chriskell: I'm glad that you strived through! It is always reassuring to hear about individuals who manage to fight through the difficult times. At the beginning of the year, I got situated with my school's health office and I started seeing a therapist. It's been a great experience and I still go to her once a week. Sadly, my school is a small private school, so we do not have that many support groups on campus. There is a  handling stress group and a motivation/changing for the better group on campus, but I don't really have time for those and my problems involve more coping with the abuse than self-motivation.

It wasn't as bad for us until recently with her negativity. My father took the full force of her my whole life while some of her negativity and emotional problems would sprinkle down on my siblings and me. Since there's four of us, it made it well spread even when it got to that point. There were still a lot of bad days, but I feel we got lucky. It's more difficult now that my dad is out of the house.

XL Thank you so much for all the advice! I'm definitely starting to be more independent from my parents. Being several hours away from home helps a lot. My situation is more abnormal though. Part of it is because I'm a triplet, so she has three first born children leaving the nest. Part of it is because my Dad divorced her this summer and it was last fall when they both agreed to divorce each other (they told us last February). Part of it is because we just sold my childhood home that we have lived in the past 15 years. There is no "family home" anymore for her to force me to.

I did notice my mom doing the whole odd tasks to my father in the past year, so that definitely made sense. With my triplet sister and I, we can only come home on breaks since we both live a great distance from home. But, she uses facebook to demand our attention constantly. It's very stressful because sometimes my mom badmouths about us or my father on facebook through her statuses and picture shares. You know, those passive aggressive statuses/pictures with quotes. Or she comments on my facebook activity, sometimes trying to "jokingly" embarrass me while other times just being straight up nasty or self-focused. I try to avoid seeing her facebook activity now because it always bothers me.

Right now, I am trying to get a paid internship at one of the overnight summer camps for the summer. If I don't get one of those, well I'll figure out what I'm doing when it comes. With our house officially sold, it means that my mom has a month to find a new place to stay. I *could* stay at my dad's, but my mom might throw a hissyfit. If my other siblings get stuck with her, I know me "rejecting" to stay with her will make her worse. I cannot do that to my siblings, definitely if my little sister gets stuck living with her.  It is bad enough that I left my little sister to deal with my raging mom... .   She has dramatically worsened the past year, ever since they announced the divorce to us.  I know I am suppose to take care of myself, but no matter what, my siblings come first. I am willing to do anything for them. Worse comes to worse, I can couch hop between my friends from back home. I have had plenty of offers. My two main focus is getting a summer job (since both of my parents do not qualify to be co-signers anymore) and making sure my siblings are in a safe environment.

I already have a license, but I do not have a car. But I know plenty of people who actually are from the town my small college reside in, so that's not a problem. I'm use to living on little since my mom had a tendency to by the bare minimum for my siblings and me, even though my dad was making more than enough money at that time. I am looking into getting a Walmart credit card so I can start to build credit (and hopefully be a possible co-signer for my little sister by the time she gets to college).

My triplet sister and I are definitely trying our best to protect our little sister. My little sister has gotten tough over the past year and can handle herself more... .   even though it pains me to admit it. It's difficult truly helping her though, since I'm a few hours away from home and my triplet sister is double the distance. Plus, my little sister needs to deal with packing up the house and my mother being even more mentally unstable than before. The recent divorce, us being out of the house, and selling the house has really sent my mom over the edge.

Thank you, it's fine. I guess it's a part of life. I do get to do some of those things. Luckily with my graduation party, a lot of my parent's friends gave us money and dorm stuff, so that helped a ton. It is difficult though, when everyone gets excited about going home for each break, and I dread it. The end of the semester breaks are the worst because not only do I have to deal with finals, but I need to deal with going home right after finals. I actually don't mind finals since one of my coping methods is hiding in my schoolwork, but it's the after... .   I dread finishing finals more than actually taking them! Most people here can't relate to that.

One thing that truly bothers me is that I get jealous of my fellow students. They always have parents sending them stuff, stopping by, caring about them, ect. My mom she well she can do a lot of "motherly things" but I feel she does it to make herself feel better. I know deep down inside, my mother truly loves me, but nowadays I feel her expression of her love have the wrong motives. She hugs/smothers me (like a child does to a pet/stuffed animal) because she needs a hug, not because I need one. I don't let bad test grades, boy problems, and friend problems truly bother me because I have no one to call up when it does. I always buy my own "needs" and I barely get any "wants". I hate it, but I get jealous sometimes of my peers. I try to not let it bother me, but there are those moments when it does. Worse, my peers just assume I'm some spoiled happy girl from a good family... .   So their wrongful judgement bothers me too. They do not know what I put up with.

[XL]

- Parents seem to force themselves to stick around as long as they're "obligated to" (when the kids finish high school), then they split. My dad disappeared completely right after I graduated and it took me a month before I found him living in hotel.

- Facebook. Double secret accounts. One has a fake name and a vague picture and you block all of your family's email addresses. Just tell your real friends you're job hunting and don't want employers to see your friends swearing, etc. Keep the one with your real name as a dead account and only check it occasionally. Facebook is the worst tool imaginable for crazy people to have access to. It's 24 hour instant access to stalking and drama. Best decision I ever made.

- If you get a credit card, try to get a credit union. Some credit unions have education seminars. Also take a personal finance class or read a bunch of articles first. There are a lot of dirty tricks kids don't know (crediting your account late when you pay on the exact due date). Rule of thumb is always pay very early, and always pay it off in full, and don't spend more than you have in real money. (It can be a good safety net to have tucked away if you're expecting sudden chaos though).

- Don't get too wrapped up in school work. I understand completely. I was at music conservatory and would insanely practice until my hands bled, like 11 hours a day. Then I picked up a second major so I wouldn't ever have to leave campus. That is a fast road to burnout. Try to schedule time for friends and exercise too. It's important to relax and build connections to the rest of the world too.

[Babysteps]

Your tips are very helpful, thank you!

I feel I am a lucky one. My parents would never truly abandon me. With my uBPDmom, she may neglect me in a lot of areas, but she does love being a parent and does try to mother me-even though a lot of it is in a possession way. It reminds me of how little girls have baby dolls. You see them scoop food to the baby doll's face, drag the doll through the mud, hug the doll when they are upset, and freak out when someone takes the doll away from them. With my dad, he would never abandon us. My dad's biological father was an abusive alcoholic that abandoned his family when my dad was 6. He grew up with my my grandma single-parenting his siblings and him in a catholic suburb town during the 70s and 80s. You rarely saw single mothers in that neighborhood during that time. Then, my grandma remarried when he was in high school to another abusive alcoholic-only this time my father was old enough to be a major target. One thing my dad is strong about is not abandoning his family.

The fake facebook is a really nice idea! The problem is, I know my parents would find out eventually and be deeply hurt by it. With all the effort to keeping a secret, I'd rather quit facebook all together. For now, I'm limiting my time on facebook. I stopped following my mom's activity and scroll past her post typically now. I block her from some of my statuses (you can control who sees what now with the privacy settings) and if she continues to act negativity, I might unsubscribe her from my news feed (which is basically still having her as a friend, but I won't see any of her posts/ect on my news feed). So far, I feel like I'm doing a lot better by cutting down my facebook addiction. You are right, the 24 access to drama can be awful.

Thank you, I will! I was lucky enough to have a "Law and the Individual" teacher who taught me how to open my own credit card account. For a blow-off graduation requirement class that I was forced into taking my senior year, I found it to be extremely useful. My therapist recommended me the Walmart program because it was what she did when she was an undergraduate student. I only shop at walmart when I'm at school anyways, so I think it might work out.

Not drowning myself in schoolwork is a habit I'm trying to change this semester. I did it first semester, but the amount of stress I have this semester has skyrocketed, so I'm not capable of doing so without being extremely unhealthy. My New Year Resolution was actually to be more social :D So far I'm doing well!  I am rather proud of myself.

Do you have any suggestions of coping between the two different lives? I feel my home life and my school life are two different universes. With school, I still deal with immature peers/drama while also having a lot of my peers not understanding the amount of stress I am under. Something I learned recently is that when my homelife gets too overwhelming stressful... .   I should avoid large amounts of alcohol. Yes, I was able to open to one of my friends more, but it is still not a pretty sight to be  drunkenly crying over how my home life is hell. With the drama, I feel like I don't have time to handle something so minor as a girl spreading rumors about me or boys playing the whole mind-games tango with dating.

[XL]

I like your doll analogy. That is very spot-on. You are not a possession, and it seems like you're taking good steps towards creating your unique adult future.

Do you have any suggestions of coping between the two different lives? I feel my home life and my school life are two different universes. With school, I still deal with immature peers/drama while also having a lot of my peers not understanding the amount of stress I am under.

I do have a motto: friends aren't therapists.

They aren't trained to be, don't have the emotional center to give good advice, etc. You can also become a downer if the bulk of your interactions with friends and lovers becomes a vent session. Some sharing is good, maybe over coffee on a quiet time with a close friend who cares, but don't expect too much. I would try to seek out a trained therapist who has worked with BPD before, even for occasional counseling. Keep your friendships mostly light, take the heavy advice from someone with a degree, and you will be more grounded.

--

I grew up in the whole grunge / early emo thing where it was cool to be screwed up. Everyone hated their parents, so I was more of the norm, perhaps on the more functional side. I had jobs, a house, and was doing well in school.  In that, it was hard to sort out who "hated" their parents, and who was dealing with abuse at home and should have been seeing an adult therapist. It was easy to get sucked into college drama back then, because a lot of kids I knew were violent punk types.

I am recently realizing my home life was massively more screwed up than my peers', and I don't know how I feel about that.  I've had a lot of friends say stuff like "I was really mad at my parents in high school, but in retrospect it was me, and they were pretty great." Where I'm like, "Mine was worse than I ever told you, and is still fairly bad."

I feel bad for the kids growing up with cell phones and social media. The no-contact thing was a lot easier before. If my mom wanted to stalk me, she had to find me at my job, or call the business phone, and we mostly had a policy of not telling weird parents our co-workers' whereabouts. It was also reasonable to meet a 19 year old who had left their home state with no forwarding address, and was doing fine. I can't get used to "Parents are peers, and have the right to know what I've done today". The electronic baby leash on my teen cousins just seems wrong, and I seriously resent that level of infringement now. (Though it has made it easier to reconnect with some extended family with whom she had "split".

And do watch the booze. That is a slippery slope in early college, and will not make anything easier.

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much! You are right, they are not therapists. I guess that is a difficulty I struggle with because I am always the therapist-friend. Although I'm not a professional and I always recommend professional help, I am typically the friend that professionals tell their patients to depend on since I am always willing to help my friends through there struggle. What I mean, for example, when one of my friends has a drug problem, I'm the positive influence they hang out with that not only doesn't judge, but also watches over them so they don't repeat behaviors they determined (with me beforehand) to stop. I also started supporting my parents more when I was a preteen anyways. It can be frustrating, though, that there's no one to help support me in the same way I do for others. It's not like I demand everyone to help me, but it's more it would idealistically be nice.

I am seeing a therapist right now, although she is a greenhorn one that specializing in learning disabilities (which I also have). I mostly just rant to her. Right now, I'm not really looking for advice since I am in a difficult situation with little wiggle room to begin with. I don't think I will be able to find a BPD in my college's area, let alone be able to afford it. But the counseling already helps a lot, so I think I should be fine in meantime.

I had a similar group of friends as you described, except those were my middle school friends. They all went to a different high school, but I stayed in touch with some of them. During middle school though, we were more the outcasts that came together and bonded over being weird. I think what prolonged me acknowledgement of how improper my mom acts compared to what a parent should act was because my group of friends. Basically a majority of them actually had messed up homes. One of my best friends has a scar across her stomach from when her mother stabbed her and tried to kill her when she was 8. Her mother was sent to jail and she lived with her father and step father. But, her father and step father are also emotionally abusive to her. Another friend of mine had parents who divorced when he was younger. Both of his parents remarried. By the time I got to know him, he was constantly hopping in between the houses, and well I know his step mother was emotionally abusive towards him a lot. Although I  think there's more complications with him between his parents that I wasn't aware of, this alone wasn't healthy for him. Several of my friends were russian/european/mexican immigrants with single mothers that depended on them a lot for their younger siblings and fathers who either abandoned them or still lived in the country they were born in. Their moms typically had boyfriends and ex boyfriends that weren't the most healthy to be around either.

With my high school friends, they were less the emo/punk/grunge crowd, but still had difficult backgrounds. My one friend has divorced parents: one is a irresponsible partying mother that can barely hold a job while her father (who typically has custody of her) is a workaholic that is gone once a week every month. When her father is actually home, he can get very emotionally abusive towards her and basically takes his failed marriage out on my friend. Another friend has a bipolar father and a very catholic controlling mother. Another friend has a single parent mom with an abusive boyfriend/"step-father". Her mom is struggling with breaking the bond, but she keeps going back to the step-father.

This is just a rough overview I guess of what I've dealt with growing up. I had always thought my family was the good family. Yes, my mom was nasty, but I thought all mothers had flaws like that. I'd cope by blaming myself mostly. So right now, acknowledging the abuse is alone something I'm struggling with. But I am also away at college and I'm honestly surprised how my new friends are. They all have good parents. It makes my brain hurt to process all the positive relationships I witness. Of course, things are never what they seem, but still it's a completely different experience for me. I grew up in a more diverse area, so the types of problems there are different than what I come across here. Now I am facing the whole "I hate my parents" when their parents are actually completely wonderful. It's kinda stressing to deal with since I get kinda jealous now.

Stalking overall is a problem with technology nowadays. If the stalker is clever and has enough determination, they can do real horrors. With me, my mother does not necessarily stalk me, but I also haven't truly cut her out of my life. That's where this summer becomes frightening: it's the time where I can fully choose who I am going to live with. If I live with my dad, my mom might take that as complete rejection. For now, it's not a problem. I only have to deal with her using me to brag to her fb friends, her sometimes commenting on my stuff, and her sometimes messaging me. With the messaging, that's easier to avoid. I already had a few online stalkers in the past, so I know a few tricks already. It is more that she is annoying/irritating type of stress on facebook.

Definitely since alcoholism runs in my family, I am already pretty strict on drinking. I am just worried about breaking down in front of people when I drink too much. So far, it has only happened once, and luckily it was in front of friends who had a background of my homelife. I think I might be more strict on the amount I drink for now though, just in case.

[XL]

There are a lot of communication workshops on another area of this board. There are also some good workbooks you can find online or in the self help sections of chain bookstores. Marsha Lineham is the main author.

I find it difficult because being involved in this disorder requires three areas

1. protecting yourself while stabilizing current instability as it arises

2. moving forward in healthy patterns in your own life

3. untangling some of the trauma of the past

It's hard to find a balance when all of these things are happening concurrently. Right now you are young and have no template for any of these. You really need to build up a "toolbox" from scratch in all of these areas.

You will find peers who don't have to deal any of these things. Their parents are more secure and they won't "get it". They can't possibly. Whining when a parent won't pay for a spring break beach trip is not the same as coping with a parent who may be facing homelessness or suicide. They also may need to mature a little, but they sort of know what an organized life eventually should look like.

[Kwamina]

I use to be suicidal in 4th grade, also. I was heavily bullied, but I also now realize the functioning of my family and being undiagnosed with several learning disabilities also contributed to that depression.  

Hi Babysteps 

I unfortunately was heavily bullied too just like you. This was the period I slipped into depression for the first time. At first I thought it was just due to the bullying, but later I realized that everything happening in my life back then was strongly related to my mother’s behavior. When I entered high school I was completely stressed out as a result of my mother’s BPD behavior. In many ways this made me the ideal target for bullies because I already had a very negative self-image. I believed every negative thing that was said because I heard it at home too. How did you deal with your depression at the time and how are you dealing with depressive thoughts now?

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much! I have gone through some of the articles on this site already, but I'm still making my way through them. I want to read some of the books on BPD and coping as a family member, but sadly my college is in a small town with a lot of less resources than back home. Since my college is very small, it looks like they don't have any of the family member books, but I might be able to do this ishare program that allows me to borrow books from another university's library. I'm a bit worried about doing that, though, because the librarians might find it questionable why I'd want to read a book about that. Yes, I could lie and say I'm doing it for a psych class (definitely since I'm a psych major), but if they question too much, they might catch me in my lie... .   The only psych class I am taking this semester is the Psychology of an Exceptional Child. That has more to do with learning disabilities and it would be a far stretch if I claim I need the book for that class. But, I'm also paranoid. I might still try.

One of my best friends didn't "get it" when I was in high school. He would constantly ask me why I can't borrow money from my parents to go to the theme park or see a movie, ect. Why I didn't eat enough, why my parents never buy me new clothes, why I can't just calmly talk to my mother about her behavior, ect. A lot of my friends had ":)addy's credit-card" to help them. I always found it funny because my parents would NEVER give me their credit card. Hell, I have my own debit card for my europe trip (that had my own money in it) and my mom took it back after the trip! It's interesting, though, how now that my friend is in college, he finally gets it. It's like he did a complete 180: completely changed how he viewed things.

Hello  Kwamina! I'm sorry for what you went through. Fighting off depression, alone, is difficult. Having a BPD makes it even more difficult to fight off. Bullies can be awful. Although I didn't have anyone consistently bullying me, I did have a few harassers and sometimes people at that age can be nasty.  One thing that helped me was learning how to deal with bullies. I grew a spine over the years. I wold either laugh it off and leave the situation, or I would stand my ground and defend myself. Normally, it would be the first one. It is so much easier to not even bother with the bullies. If you act like it doesn't bother you, it can lead them to being less interested in you. Yes, there are some situations were you are "stuck," but after a while, those happened less. What they say is inaccurate and shows their lack of intelligence to 1. jump to a foolish assumption and 2.immaturely handle it by harassing you. Even if you dislike someone for whatever reason, you don't harass them. It's common sense: "Treat others the way you want to be treated." If that person chooses to take their negative emotions out on you, clearly they are the ones with real problems and aren't worth your time.

I'll first address how I conquered my depression in 4th grade and then tell you how I dealt with my depressive thoughts after that. It'll make organizing what I say easier and hopefully won't lead me to ramble.  

Depression is a very complicated illness, as you know. It can be caused by numerous of things and affects each person differently. I feel my depression was caused by the environment stressors. I was bullied a hell lot, even had people telling me to "Go die, go kill yourself" when I was in elementary school. Kids were foolish then. At that time, I was very shy with a speech impediment, aka easy target. Kids can sometimes be very judgemental at that age, definitely since there was a lot less bulling awareness programs. I also was undiagnosed with my learning disabilities, which made me feel "stupid" and "crazy". Now I know I'm none of those, but back then it was the only logical reason. To also throw on top all of that, my dad was an alcoholic (more, he would sit in his room drinking and playing online poker than interact with my siblings and me) at the time and my mom is uBPD. My siblings sometimes weren't the nicest either, but that's expected with siblings, definitely since it's stressful dealing with my mom and we'd turn against each other some of the time.  I felt like everyone hated me and that I was a nuisance, which made me suicidal. My family all thought I was "sensitive" and that it was "just hormones" and I'll grow out of it. To this day, my mom still denies me ever being suicidal... .  

Dr. Phil would always be on after school and I was curious with psychology so I'd watch it. One after-school episode was on teenage suicide. It basically was my epiphany moment. I was suicidal, but I had no clue there was a word for it, nor did I knew other people felt like that. It made me realize that 1. I'm not the only one who feels like this 2. I shouldn't feel like this and maybe how I feel about myself isn't accurate. Lucky enough, I had a wonderful 4th grade teacher who gave each student a journal to write to her in. I basically wrote to her one night saying how I wanted to kill myself, how I feel negative about myself, and that I want help. She was such a sweetheart about it; she truly helped me so much. I started seeing the social worker at the school once a week and fell out of the depression. But this was all me-I had no one supporting me other than those two faculty at school. My siblings were too young to understand depression, my dad had no idea about it since he was an alcoholic at that time, and well my mom is my mom... .  

I still get a lot of depressive thoughts. Every so often there's those days where I cry a whole ton, do none of my homework, can barely get out of bed, ect. Life can be difficult sometimes. I believed my mom's negativity. But what I did was try to improve myself. I saw that if I didn't like something about myself, I might as well change it. So when my mom mom said it was ALL my fault for something, I would assess the situation later on and figure out what I could have done better for next time. If I was having difficulties in school, I would study my butt off and try to figure out what I was doing wrong. I pushed myself into a optimistic mindset. It can be hard starting this, since when you are in a depressive mood, you lose a lot of motivation. I guess I got sick of it, feeling so awful. I realized that I do not deserve to feel like this and there are ways for me to avoid it as much as possible.

Something else I figured out was ways to avoid my depressive mood triggers and how can I drag myself out of the mood when I do get them. Once again, it's something hard to do, but with practice it can work. In middle school, I often would escape in books. I would rather read and pretend that I was someone else than deal with the negative emotions in reality. Every night I would hide away in my room and read. It was a great way to blow off stress while also avoiding my mom's moods (since she would interact with someone else downstairs mostly). I also started dabbling in graphic arts, which made me feel more achieved when I would make something that looked pretty. I actually got pretty good at it for a while.

Now that I'm older (and I don't have time for a lot of my hobbies), it's harder to avoid those depressive moods. Something I started doing in high school was removing myself from the stressful environment. I knew that if I stayed in my bed all day, my mood would continue all day. In order to avoid that, I'd force myself to go on a walk. That helps get me out of the environment and enjoying the nature around me. I might still be  a bit blue coming back, but it is a lot better than being glued to a bed all day. It's a great way to distract yourself from the overwhelming stress and your negative thoughts.

Some other distractions I do involve taking a shower, flattening my hair, going somewhere outside my dorm (or last year, room) to do homework, watching a movie that I enjoy, making plans with friends, ect. If I'm flattening my hair while playing music, my thoughts can wander to other things, plus I feel better because I'm doing something fun with my appearance. Dressing up for fun is another way to make your day better. You don't dress up for your peers, although it is nice to receive compliments, but instead dress up for yourself since if you feel you look good, you also tend to feel good.

I tend to vent through typing a lot. I was always worried about keeping a diary just in case my mom got nosy. To solve that problem, I started typing it out in word document and either emailing it to myself, or deleting it after I was done. Lately, I started writing poetry too, and wow that helps a lot. I even won a writing contest with a poem I wrote about my mom! I won $50 at my school for it! Haha and well that's going to go towards a fun drunken weekend with some friends. So who knows, if you channel your negative emotions towards something, such as writing or art, it may pay off later while also helping you cope!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Babysteps! No need to worry, you didn't ramble at all

I can relate to a lot of the things you've said, like using books to 'escape' to another place and listening to music while doing something else. You have a lot of good coping strategies! I understand how you have less time for your hobbies now. Something else you might try is meditation or breathing exercises, have you ever tried this? You can do it sitting or lying down in your room. Meditation helps me diminish anxiety, clear my mind and come to new insights. It might take a little practice at first, I actually used to hate it but now I do it a lot It doesn't even have to take that long, I sometimes meditate for nearly an hour when I'm really into it but 10 to 15 minutes will do too. Stopping everything you're doing and sitting still and being mindful can be very soothing and enlightening.

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much! I actually had a surprised visit from my mother, brother, aunt, and cousin on thursday... .   My family has never visited me at college because I live a great distance. Let's just say I was extremely paranoid and stressful. Everything worked out perfectly fine though, but I still had a lot of anxiety the next day because the stress that a surprise visit from my uBPDmom is huge. It was terrifying thinking and preparing for certain situations that could go wrong. You guys know, it's walking on eggshells. You never know how she will be like. This time it turned out well, luckily. But yeah, I was trying to calm down and I did listen to relaxation music. I use to do this when I was younger, but haven't tried it recently in this manner. It truly helped. Thank you!

[Atreyu]

To Babysteps:

I grew up in a home very much like yours.  Divorce and all.  I was wondering if you were sister posting there at first . 

Something that I have discovered, and that you would do well to hear:

No one can tell you who you are, or who you are going to become.  They don't have the right.  And you don't have the right to accept it from them.

[Babysteps]

Aww well I'm sorry you can relate so much! It's weird, with the divorce thing. It happened this past summer and I'm still trying to grasp what is going on in my life. I realize I care too much about what others think. I'm paranoid about them judging me, saying I'm weak when they have no clue what I experience at home. But I'm paranoid about everyone finding out how my home life truly is-that I'm an abuse victim-because I can't handle what they think of me after that. I think I should focus on not over thinking everything. I feel that is my main problem right now.

[skelly_bean]

Hi Babysteps!

I have an uBPD mother as well, and I can definitely relate to the fear of people "judging" you for having a complicated family situation. I wonder if there is a particularly strong stigma that daughters feel in relation to their unbalanced mothers? I have made it through the majority of my adult life with people believing I come from a normal household (a friend once asked me "You must come from a WASPy family right?" and I felt that was a great success haha).

But what I'm learning now is that all that shame I was feeling, all those assumptions that people are judging you on your background - that is the inverse of what I should have been feeling. I wish I had spent less time worrying about who I wanted people to believe I was, and more of feeling proud of what I had been through.

You are a champ! You are going through an intensely difficult time and you are handling it gracefully and you are doing the right thing by finding resources. I know from experience that going to university AND dealing with family breakdowns is ridiculously difficult. University and college is a weird environment because there's not a whole lot of empathy from professors and you are surrounded by strangers. Most of whom come from privileged backgrounds. You're right that some people won't understand, some people will be judgemental. But that's their problem. Best to avoid those people as friends anyways.

BUT colleges and universities are often great resources for free counselling and advice. If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider looking into your psychological services or counselling services on campus and make an appointment. Often you can get notes for your professors, get exams delayed, have a person to listen or give advice.

And, one thing I've learned is that no family household is perfect. I guarantee that most of those students understands a thing or two about family members with depression, family members with substance abuse issues, they may even be experiencing those things themselves. Everyone is touched by mental health issues at some point in their lives. We are all still too shy to talk about it openly.

Stay strong! 

[Babysteps]

I feel there is overall a strong stigma for children with unbalanced mothers. Mothers are stereotyped to be the loving-nurturing parent that has a great bound with the child and knows "better". This complicates the situation if the mother is unbalanced. Maybe, perhaps with daughters, it differs because mother-daughter is suppose to have a strong bound, and when you don't, you are seen as the rebellious spoiled/ungrateful daughter. I try to avoid, like the plague, the phrase "mother problems", It bothers me. I guess I worry that people will assume I'm some ungrateful kid that does not know how to respect authority or the privileges I have in life. Definitely since a lot of privileges I'm labeled to have I actually don't have.

Maybe that is one of the key components of what bothers me with the negative stigma of family problems overall. Everyone assumes you have certain privileges because it is "normal" for families to function in that way, but you actually don't have those privileges. It's the complete opposite. You end up working your butt off, behaving well or even better than those with those advantageous privileges. All that above-and-beyond work that you do is labeled as something that was handed to you. The idea of it bothers me so much. I absolutely hate the word "privilege" to begin with: I feel our society focuses on jealous possession instead of possibility to change.

I think my main problem was that not only did the majority of the people around me assume I came from a normal household, it made me believe it too. This caused me to take everything my mom said to heart, making me want to improve myself to be a better child. It made me think that my abuse and neglect was normal, that I deserve it, and that I had no right to be upset about it. Now that I'm starting to learn otherwise, it has been really taking a toll on my mind.

You are right. I need to focus on the accomplishments I achieved despite the background I have instead of the life I was deprived of. It is something I need to practice focusing on and I'm slowly starting to do better.

Thank you so much! I am actually lucky. I go to a very small private college, so my professors deeply care for us and normally drive to helping students. My professors have been so outstandingly understanding and supportive this semester, I'm truly surprised. They may not know what is going on fully, but they are still very optimistic on my ability to do well and understanding how life can be difficult. Going to school here has been one of the best educating actions of my life.

I'm currently seeing a therapist once a week. I'm starting to believe that she doesn't have the true skill I need to help me though. She is more specialized in Learning Disabilities but also works as a counselor. We have one other counselor, who is a Dr. in psychology and my roommate told me more experienced. I wonder if he could be better with helping me through my trauma. :/ But I'm not sure. Idealistically, I want to see a specialist of BPD/families, but since I go to a small school and have no health insurance, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon. Although, in my college town, there is a woman's health/crisis center. It looks like they help with a range of abuse, but I think that might be more sexual assault and domestic abuse.

I definitely know that. I grew up with a lot of friends who had households a lot worse than mine. I guess my main problem is trying to understand what is "normal" in a household to experience. I never realized the way my mom treated me was abnormal, abusive, and wrong.  I had assumed since it could have been a lot of worse, and that everyone has some type of skeleton in the closet, that I shouldn't complain.