Summer birthdays

[nomom4me]

Almost all the birthdays in my family fall during the summer months, last year I was not invited to organized events but my mom suddenly "needed" to mail me a present my when birthday came up.

I don't want a present with my mom because I know the card attached will say much more than happy birthday, I also know she sees gifts as an effort to reconcile - gifts are something one gives without expectation.

I've been states away from my family for most of my adult life and I don't think my mom has given me a birthday present since I was 12.  When I got too old for little girl tea parties she could control, I was told that I was "too old" for birthdays.

I made a no email boundary when my mom was sending me dozens of nasty messages per month, I do not have the time to answer half of her mails and her need to unload on me via email or letter goes back at least 12 years.  My mom lost my mailing address, and recently she has come up with every reason under the sun to mail me.  I honestly fear that if I give her my address, the flood gates will be open again.  My partner doesn't see what is so wrong with mail contact, he doesn't understand why I can't ignore the ugly parts of her messages - it is 99 percent ugly, it undermines my boundaries and any contact with her tends to fill me with doubt.  I have been punished with NC for my request for LC and have been thinking that NC will mean I have no family, this is very difficult for me.  I am not married and if I had a family of my own, my instinct would be to protect them from my mothers drama and crazy-making.  If it's just me, I have a hard time deciding whats worse, putting up with the nastiness or potentially being alone on major holidays in the future.  Fear of abandonment is a big PTSD trigger for me, so I know some of the fear is "in my head" but that does not make it any less real.  PTSD makes it very hard for me to make decisions, I just don't know if I want any part of the summer birthdays.  Experience dictates that whatever I am willing to do will never be enough from my family, what my mom wants is to treat my like an employee, without salary or benefits.  The only benefit would be contact with extended family who I fear have already been told all sorts of nasty stories about me.

[jrx]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone though, and in particular, your childhood birthday parties. That's an awful thing to do to a youngster.

I'm not saying you should, but if you do decide to re-engage your mother and extended family, please just remember that it's a negotiation. With BPDs, it's a constant negotiation. They will either push your boundaries or wait for you to give up yours (out of love, guilt, sacrifice, generosity, etc.)

If your mom is treating you like an employee, then she feels those are the terms you're willing to live with. If they are, that's your choice. If they aren't, then you need to negotiate benefits like any other business deal. I know this hurts --- it's your mother for heaven's sake, she's supposed to love you unconditionally. I feel deeply for this, but business deals carry less emotional side effects if you say no.

Speaking from experience, the biggest card you can play is your own cold turkey NC. She's already played it against you because she knows you need the emotional connection. You know she knows this is your weakness (punishment, right?). NC is about building up your own self. For example, if you knew you were going to be with people for the holidays, would it be as hard of a decision for you? If it wouldn't be as hard, then that's your leverage.

One way to be with others over the holiday is to volunteer. Senior homes are a great place to volunteer over the holidays. There are so many older folks who are alone and just looking for someone to talk to, or even just sit with them. Soup kitchens are popular as well. It's a sacrifice that you may need to make in order to get your terms --- after all, BPDs think the world revolves around them. It's okay to negotiate "salary and benefits". They do it to you all the time.

[nomom4me]

Thanks Jrandom, good advice. Everything is a bargaining session with her... . even when she is bargaining me out of her life.

I've thought about volunteering on holidays, I used to spend them with friends but I recently moved to a new city where I don't know many people.  In my 20's crashing someones singles event was fun but I'm a little older now and want, well... . family.  I just don't want all the drama that comes along with my family.

[GeekyGirl]

I've thought about volunteering on holidays, I used to spend them with friends but I recently moved to a new city where I don't know many people.  In my 20's crashing someones singles event was fun but I'm a little older now and want, well... . family.  I just don't want all the drama that comes along with my family.

Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet people with similar interests! Places of worship, classes, and neighborhood events are all good too. You have to get yourself out there, which is hard, but once you get comfortable it gets easier.

I don't want a present with my mom because I know the card attached will say much more than happy birthday, I also know she sees gifts as an effort to reconcile - gifts are something one gives without expectation.

My mother uses gifts to send messages too. I can understand how a gift could come with some sort of message or expectation. What will you do if she sends one?

What would happen if you reach out to other members of the family? Maybe, if you don't attend the "family" birthday events, you could do something on your own with other relatives.

[nomom4me]

Other relatives have been told stories, some of my boundaries are health related and my mom has left that part out.  The first time my mom excluded me from a holiday she actually said "I'm respecting your boundaries" and I could hear the spit flying as she said it (luckily this was by phone).

Some of my boundaries are not up for bargaining, I have PTSD - I cannot handle the drama of day long events, I can show up for an hour or two but they will literally block the car in and make it impossible for me to leave.  My family made a terrible impression on my boyfriend and honestly put allot of strain on our relationship.  For my health, and the health of my relationship there is only so much of them I can take. 



I try to keep communication consecutive with my mom due to her tendency to make plans for me that I am not at all on-board with.  I've asked her to reach me by phone and she just plain does not call, she makes every excuse to mail me something now that she is blocked on email.  I guess I can offer 15 minute visits and bargain up to an hour.  But the gift thing, uhg... . my mom is DESPERATE to send me and my BF a gift, the truth is we rent a place with very little storage.  While my mom has been playing my boundaries against me we've set the place up with everything we need, my mom really wants to get us a kitchen appliance or something else that would be a constant reminder of her in my home.  She honestly missed out on us furnishing our rental, and we know we have to move out whatever we bring in.  There is nothing we need, and I don't want her sending stuff to our address, I could see that easily morphing into her showing up at our place.  She is also upset that we refuse to friend her on facebook, I'd like her to try twitter and get used to editing, I'm comfortable with 164 characters on a card but I know she has more than that to say.  She likes to pretend she is a busy executive who cannot tear herself away from the computer screen long enough to pick up a phone and call her kid, I've thought about using tech jargon to go over her head and make it clear that she is way out of her league with online contact.  I've had her filtered out of email and blocked on facebook for years.  I'm sure she has overblown this to relative, I've already had some retaliation for my refusal to add her.

The only online contact I'd be comfortable with is agreeing to read a twitter feed monthly, I have not discussed this with her because she is not that tech saavy.  Maybe I could encourage her to write a blog, that is honestly what she treated me like when we had email contact.  I'd be willing to do 20 minute monthly skype sessions, based on the rule of bargaining I guess I should lower my time limit to 5 or 10 minutes.  The problem is she is not tech saavy and is only interested in facebook because I have no intention on ever adding her to my professional and social network.  She's said enough nasty things about me, there is no way I'm giving her a wider net to cast.  I've told her to focus on the friend part, she doesn't like that answer - she wants to treat me like I'm her employee, not her friend.

My relatives have poor boundaries and all caved, I hear their regrets for ever adding her on facebook but not one of them has stood up to her.  She has sent messages through relatives and I'm so paranoid about it at this point that I have thought about blocking all family.  As is, anyone related to me sees only universal updates.

My mom actually forced us to work in shelter-type situations growing up, religious ones.  She is so morally superior about this work.  I'm really not interested in organized religion after having it forced on me for my entire childhood.

[GeekyGirl]

I guess I can offer 15 minute visits and bargain up to an hour.  But the gift thing, uhg... . my mom is DESPERATE to send me and my BF a gift, the truth is we rent a place with very little storage.  While my mom has been playing my boundaries against me we've set the place up with everything we need, my mom really wants to get us a kitchen appliance or something else that would be a constant reminder of her in my home. 

You could always keep it really light and meet up for coffee or lunch. That way there's a definite start and stop to the visit.

I doubt there's a way to get your mother to stop giving you presents if that's something really important to her. There are a few things you could try: you could ask her for small things. Some online stores have wish list features, and since you said that your mother considers herself tech-savvy (even if you don't ), you could send her the link and say something like, "Mom, I know you enjoy giving presents to others and that's very generous of you. Here's what we really need for our home." You could always donate whatever she gives you... . or re-gift it, not that I've ever done that. 

Have you brought up Skype or Twitter to her before? She may not be very technical, but you never know--it might be of interest to her.

[nomom4me]

Thanks Geeky, a wish list is a good idea and it is possible to hide the address (at least Amazon gives that option).  There is no way to make her see that a gift is not the issue, her tendency to push me and my boyfriend out of our comfort zones is the problem.  I could make a wish list that is all books on boundaries, Hah.  I forsee the gifting turning into a currency where she will expect reciprocation and historically she has never appreciated any gift I have given her.  Once I spent a days wages sending her a nice potted plant for mother's day and her response was that my brother always gives her a plant.  There is no winning in the gift game, I don't have space - emotionally, or physically for the crap she wants to lay on me.

I used to go to her area for lunch (basically I planned play dates with her as one would do with a toddler) but I don't have the time/energy/interest in traveling to her area - especially when my health is flaring up.  She will not come to my area alone, her partner is in the legal field and he has a tendency to "make a case" out of my boundaries.  At this point I feel I should be read my miranda rights prior to a simple lunch.

I've told her to start a blog and mentioned twitter but she just says "bah" and suddenly becomes a waif who knows nothing of this internet jargon.  Funny how she is such a techie lady with facebook, and she is not even using it to network - she just uses it to stalk her own family.  She has pulled some really nasty tricks online, including accessing other peoples accounts - I really want her to hop of that high moral horse, at least when it comes to online contact.  I have page after page of proof that her intentions are not pure, she wants to unload and stalk - she has no sincere interest in my work outside of bragging to relatives.  I've deleted a public blog and am keeping all my profiles private because the risk of her having access to me online is far greater than giving her the benefit of what boils down to stalking.

[ScarletOlive]

nomom4me, your mom might like tumblr. It's a blog site that is very user friendly, really easy to set up, and people post cool pics and blog posts both long and short. You also can get a lot of attention there because people like, comment, and share your posts almost as often as on Facebook.