Possible breakthrough in healing. :)

[FilmFemme]

I think I am having a small breakthrough in the healing process. 

I have a DBPDM and went NC in 2006 after trying to have some kind of relationship and just being hurt too many times.  I also got divorced several years ago, and that has been good, too, since instead of concentrating on relationship issues I am now able to focus on myself (we had sexual issues that kind of tied in with my self-esteem issues, blergh.)  I also finally have a stable job that allows me to pay all my bills and also have insurance, so I'm in therapy again regularly and I'm not held back by anxiety over money, basic survival, etc.

So. I've been struggling with my weight and also with trichotillomania my entire adult life, starting in my teens.  Both, I think, are connected to my BPDM's constant harping on me for my appearance and some weird, borderline-sexually inappropriate behavior from her.  But mostly I think they both stem from the feeling that there has to be something wrong with me.  Deep down, there has to be something wrong with me.  Because if there isn't, then she was unnecessarily cruel, and I think the terror of being powerless under her control was just too much for my child psyche to handle.  So I made something wrong with me (weight, bald spots), and have been self-sabotaging myself in the struggle to free myself of both things for my entire adult life.

But!  I think I just had a small breakthrough in therapy, and I'm very hopeful.  I hope that I won't take it too hard if I fail yet again, but honestly I feel like something has shifted inside me.  I feel that I might finally actually allow myself to lose weight and stop pulling my hair for good. 

How did this shift happen?  In therapy, I talked about how tired I was of this fight. I lose weight to the point that men start to hit on me and my friends say, "wow, you look great!" ; I then gain it all back. I let my hair grow out until exactly the moment that I look at it and think, "wow, that actually looks good, I can maybe grow out my bangs" and that exact thought leads to a pulling spree.  I was telling my therapist this, and she said that I was self-sabotaging (which I knew), and that sometimes we stick with what is familiar even if it feels bad, because it's familiar, and the unfamiliar is scary.  I said, "but I do scary stuff all the time."  I do!  I've traveled internationally by myself several times and even moved overseas alone. I moved to a new area where I knew no-one for this new job. I work in a field that requires me to take artistic and personal risks all the time!  She said, well, do you ever allow yourself to think about what it might feel like to reach your goal?  And I had not. Not once. Not ever.  Sure; I have this image of the Perfect Me who has perfect control over herself in all areas of her life, and is fabulous.  But I never really considered what it might actually feel like to be that person, from the inside.  What would it feel like if my hair grew out?  hmm... .  

She also asked me what I gained from the self-sabotaging behaviors.  She actually said, "I hate to blame everything on your mom, and yet I think both these behaviors absolutely stem from your experiences growing up with her."  I have to be getting something out of it - what is the benefit to me?  Well, I said, her criticisms of me were so unexpected.  They came out of the blue, when I was totally unaware of how my body looked, or my posture, or any of that stuff.  SOmething about seeing me enjoying my body must have triggered something in her, because if I was relaxed, she would say something really hurtful. My ex-husband said on many occasions that it's as though I think someone is constantly watching me and judging me.  Because there was!  And even now that she's far away from me, I'm still afraid on some level.  Or was.  I started sobbing in therapy, and of course I've cried in therapy before, but I really sobbed so deeply, I don't think I've ever cried like that before in front of another human being, or maybe ever.  I said that if there was nothing wrong with me, then my mother was really frightening to me, and cruel!  And I think the weight and the hair pulling have been a way to control that fear - a way to justify her abuse. 

Well.  That was almost a week ago.  Since then, I have been pulling a tiny tiny bit, but my hair is at that trigger stage, where it's looking like actual hair (not stubble), that could be grown out fully in just a couple months - and I have not had a pulling spree. In fact, I've been able to stop  myself from pulling when I find my hand just drifting up there for no reason. (I've done a lot of thinking about trick and i know my triggers - some are physical - too much caffeine, staying up too late, etc.)  Also, I've been going on walks and long bike rides - some kind of movement every day.  these are tiny shifts, not like YAY I'M CURED!  But I feel like I may be on my way, finally.  I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself. Just trying to be kind to myself and allow myself some room.

Sorry if this was too long. It has just been on my mind.  Thank you for having a safe space to talk about these things!

[GeekyGirl]

That's great, FilmFemme!  What I think is really good is that you're now able to see your triggers and have found some constructive ways to respond to them. What may like a tiny shift is actually a huge step. Keep up the good work!

[healing_orlando]

I am so happy for you... . your post actually made me cry... .  because I am so happy that your struggles are so very hard and your pain so very real, and yet you are out there - working on yourself and not giving up, and making great progress! You gave me hope today.  Thank you.