Upcoming wedding

[arbutus]

Hi all. Haven't come here much lately but having some strangeness with uBPDmom and my upcoming wedding.

She isn't going to the shower and has a lot of excuses but I know it is because she doesn't want to go. That hurts but I can deal with it okay. I am mostly sad because it is still hard knowing your mother will never be a real mother.

After this my stepmother wrote my mom an email basically saying the past is the past and things are okay and thanking her for being the mother to us because we bring joy to her life (we being me and sis). Basically a healthy letter that a normal person would understand and be touched by.

My mom is now freaking out about the wedding and requesting that I ensure no contact between her and her new family and my dad and stepmom. She sent me all this in a strange email mixing her demands with "best wishes" for my wedding full of "joy".

I am not going to be a go between for this and do not want to focus on something that is her issue. She is an adult (though acts like a child) and can handle her own stuff.

I haven't responded yet but feel a boundary is necessary. We are all so careful in managing mom since we all seem to bear the brunt of her being set off. We know she is full of shame and her entire life seems to revolve around hiding it and creating a world where she doesn't have to face it or create more of it.

I also know her behaviour is very strange. I don't want to have to answer people's questions about it my whole wedding.

So right now I am in "plan for the worst" mode just figuring out how to deal with her and with others' questions before the time comes.

Note that she is planning on going to the wedding. She also has helped out zero with it. When my future mil gave me a necklace to wear I almost cried because that is not something my mother would ever do. UBPDmom is also very jealous of me and I'm not sure if that will factor in.

So any advice or articles on how I can damage control all this.

I am also very low contact with uBPDmom. Happily. Though she doesn't seem to realize how intentional it is. She thinks it is more circumstantial.

Scattered thoughts but there is a lot of strange feelings going on. Tough to describe.

[Clearmind]

Congratulations!

She isn't going to the shower and has a lot of excuses but I know it is because she doesn't want to go. That hurts but I can deal with it okay. I am mostly sad because it is still hard knowing your mother will never be a real mother.

Yes artbutus, we need to redefine our relationship with our BPD parent. The thing that caused me the most stress was being constantly disappointed with my father’s behavior. I reassessed my expectations – they were too high and my Dad just was not capable of being the ‘perfect’ parent. I am OK with this now – I love him – limitations and all. He loves me the best way he can.

Working on accepting them as they are, is tough, however possible.

My mom is now freaking out about the wedding and requesting that I ensure no contact between her and her new family and my dad and stepmom. She sent me all this in a strange email mixing her demands with "best wishes" for my wedding full of "joy".

I am not going to be a go between for this and do not want to focus on something that is her issue. She is an adult (though acts like a child) and can handle her own stuff.

Wonderful, we do not need to rescue our BPD parents – not our role – its great you have stepped back from that need to make things OK for her.

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of six basic roles:



The Good Child also known as the hero: a child who assumes the parental role. 


The Problem Child also known as the scape goat: the child who is blamed for most problems and can also be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family. 


The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. 


The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden. Often occurs in balkanized families. 


The Mascot: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system.


The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

Source: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family

I most definitely was the caretaker.

I haven't responded yet but feel a boundary is necessary. We are all so careful in managing mom since we all seem to bear the brunt of her being set off. We know she is full of shame and her entire life seems to revolve around hiding it and creating a world where she doesn't have to face it or create more of it.

What sort of boundary would you like to set? What are you wanting to protect yourself against?

Note that she is planning on going to the wedding. She also has helped out zero with it. When my future mil gave me a necklace to wear I almost cried because that is not something my mother would ever do. UBPDmom is also very jealous of me and I'm not sure if that will factor in.

Might be a blessing in disguise that she has stepped back. However, I can understand how you would want her involved.

-----

She may make it about her, she may not – are you able to balance out your emotions so you can worry less about what may happen.

There is a link at the top of this board for the lessons – we can point you in the direction of specific ones – any ideas on what you are looking for?

What I can suggest is to ensure you don’t get embroiled in a drama triangle on the day of or prior to your wedding.

Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi there,

I feel for you having just not too long ago (18months ago) gotten married myself and to put it quite bluntly my BPD mother made my life hell. I had a physical breakdown from the stress and anxiety... .  even something simple like doing one push up at the gym made me collapse and pass out as my body was at its absolute limit for stress.

My mother too refused to participate, refused to look at dresses, invitations, menus... .  anything. Everything was a huge psychotic fight. I was told i was horrible and selfish. She called my inlaws and told them she didnt approve, i was having an affair, i was a horrible fault filled girl.

If i didnt like a dress she suggested i was abusing her, i didnt love her, i treated her like trash. we didnt speak for almost the whole engagement. I lost my voice for 3 months i was so stressed. she called my sister and told her i didnt love her and i didnt want her in my bridal party and i only asked her as i was obligated. on the weekend of the wedding she refused to speak to me, made my sisters life hell, wouldnt speak to the other guests and accused everyone of being rude to her. I had to change my ceremony at 11pm the night before as she was going to have a speaking part but wouldnt.

I could go on and on but i think you know what im talking about. The most important thing is for you to remember its all her ~, its not you, and dont even let it for one second become about her. Its ok for you to stop talking to her and even on the day- just let it go and enjoy your day. Trust me- she will be there after the wedding.

Establish some boundaries, make sure she is not staying with you and doesnt have a role or opportunity to make a scene. Tell her youre busy, at a fitting, at a meeting whatever you can and tell her youll touch base with her later. There is nothing you can do but be selfish and look after yourself, make sure you have a beautiful wedding day!

There is a great book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells", its been a real help for me. Take Care of yourself first

[caps4]

Arbutus and nonBPDdaughter - I too can relate with what you are both going/have gone through except it's my only sister who has BPD.  To this day my sister constantly points out how much she for me when i got married, even though she made my life so much harder during the whole year and a half i was engaged.  She even gave me the cold shoulder after I got engaged bc it was a month and a half before her birthday and couldn't believe my now husband didn't take that into consideration. 

We can't take the things they say personally and please don't let them ruin this joyous time.  Know it's not easy as I continue to have to remind myself as well.  I'm currently expecting my first child and am  struggling with feeling the need to respond to some of her outbursts listing how selfish i am from her skewed point of view - just feel as though it'll never end if i don't take some action.  Just need to keep living our own lives the best we can... .  take care of yourself. 

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Caps4,

I know exactly what you are talking about! I would LOVE to let it go and explode and have it all out, let fly with every thing i want to say! but there is just no point. Not only is there no "winning" the argument, you cant even dialogue with them. you cant have a rational back and forth conversation. I am dying to have it out with my mother, but as my therapist says, whats the point, there wont be the resolution or satisfaction that i am looking for and I will only end up more stressed while her feelings will all be "validated" in her eyes.

How are you getting through your pregnancy? This is a big thing for me, as my husband and I are thinking of TTC, but I am not sure i am ready to deal with the behaviors that will come from my mother. Like your sister im sure she will twist up into a horrible thing, shes already said she "doesnt want to be a grandmother"!

Stay strong and good luck with your pregnancy! what a beautiful time for you! Dont get sucked in to her dramas x

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Arbutus,

First of all, congratualtions on your upcoming wedding!    Someone is very lucky to be marrying a strong and level-headed person such as you!

I can certainly relate.  Weddings are tough with mentally ill parents.  If you need a chuckle: Not only do I have a BPDMom, I also have a Paranoid Personality Disorder and possibly Autistic father.  I asked him to do two things:  Buy a matching suit, and get a haircut.  He bought black pants and a grey pinstripe jacket, and put in... .  wait for it... .  a weave.  No, I'm not joking.  It was longer than shoulder-length and made him like extremely similar to Chewbacca from behind.  I offered to pay him to take it out, but alas, he insisted on hiding his bald spot.  I always tell that story to people who also have mentally ill parents because only we can laugh at that level of insanity. 

All joking aside, it is very painful to have your day- the one day that is supposed to be about you- hijacked by the kinds of selfish and hurtful behaviors you are describing.  As for me, I tried my hardest to help BPDMom feel involved, and as a thank you, she never lifted a finger to help me plan, left every single function early to be with her brother who had come in, and complained that I did not have enough variety on the registry for her side of the family.  She gave us a lovely presentation, and then phoned about 3 months later to borrow twice as much from me so that she could move (didn't fall for that one).

The only predictable part of getting married is that everyone will have an opinion, no matter what happens.

My biggest piece of advice is to let go of "explaining" her behavior at all.  You sound as though you have already developed a few strategies, and you are aware that a boundary needs to be established (I agree).  Both of my parents took a TON of attention away from me and my husband at our wedding due to their childish and odd behaviors, and yes I got some questions about it.  After I was done crying my heart out when PPDDad refused to take the weave out (and then BPDMom insisted I apologize for requesting that he do), I realised that I wanted to marry my wonderful fiancé, and nobody was going to stop me.  I never explained to anyone why my father decided to wear a weave that day... .  and really, I couldn't if I tried.

I never would have had the time to sit all of our family and friends down and explain that both of my parents are so psychotic they are likely going to do something extremely embarrassing.  There is sadly no short way to explain to people "My mom has this thing... .  it's kind of like... .  well... .  she can be mean sometimes... .  "  People just don't get it.  Your guests have family members who are also difficult, and they will not judge you based on her immature/irrational behaviors.  If it makes you feel better, you can prep some of your dear friends and family, but keep it short and sweet.  Don't spend any more time than you already have on her; you only get one wedding day! 

I really hope you are able to put some time aside for you and your new partner and just enjoy each other, because that is what it's all about: YOU!   

[NonBPDaughter]

JetsFan i love this. you made me laugh so hard! You really summed it up perfectly! x

[nina125]

Lol Jetsfan, your post made me laugh. I am sorry for lauhging at your misery.

In my case, I am not sure if my mom has BPD or just fleas, but she does get triggered and acts like a child when important things happen in my family.

On the night before my wedding, I was excitedly packing all my stuff into a suitcase to move to my husband's place when mom walked into my room with tears streaming down to tell me that my father had an affair. What the heck! She was convinced that my father had an affair with his trainee 2 years ago because she came home one day and it took him more than 2 minutes to open the door and let her in, even though he was alone at home and told her that he was in the bathroom and didn't hear her ringing the doorbell. So she decides to tell me this on the night before my wedding, because I am sure keeping this to herself for 2 years was a bit too much and couldn't keep it to herself for another week or so.

I told her that she needed to get her act together and stop trying to ruin my wedding. She then pouted and cried during my entire wedding, and everyone kept telling me how lucky I am that I had a mom who loved me so much. It was only me and my dad who knew that she was crying because her daughter refused to sympathize with her for an affair that didn't really happen.

[pastthemission]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!  Given my BPDm I didn't really involve her in the process in anyway.  I guess it sounds sad, but I made it clear that I didn't really need help other than for paying for some things.  That said, don't feel bad about setting boundaries ahead of time.  I was raised Salvationist and Catholic, but my husband is Jewish and we had a Jewish wedding.  My mother decide to try to start some drama by e-mailing me and telling me that if I didn't accept Jesus as my savior I would go to hell and that I was making her ashamed by having a Jewish wedding.  I responded with and told her that she was never to say anything like that to me again and if she tried to she would be disinvited.  After that she tried to claim that she had been 'joking' which tends to be her go to excuse when I call her on her childish/controlling behavior. 

All of that said, it sucked not having a mom-figure to go dress shopping with me and other things.  Instead I had my friends come with and my fiance helped out which I was grateful for.  To be honest, I was just glad to not have to deal with any drama before the wedding.  Right before the wedding and during I was worried she would throw one of her tantrums but somehow she was on her best behavior (aka slight stone walling and acting annoyed).  She wasn't allowed anywhere near the wedding party or allowed to be involved in any of the getting ready for the wedding.  Really neither sets of parents were.  My MIL also gave me a necklace, not to wear but as a present the day before, it was her mother's pearls.  I haven't worn them yet, but it's something my mom would have never done.  I guess God does answer some prayers, but she also ADORES my husband so that may have played a part as well. 

Also, not sure if you're having your mom help pay for things, but my mom was pretty annoying about it (I just rolled my eyes thinking about it).  She complained about the cost of everything even though we had a really specific budget.  I made sure to make it clear to her that she was only paying for very little given that my in-laws paid for most of the wedding. 

[CinnamonRadio]

NonBPDdaughter, Super glad it made you laugh 

@nina,  Don't be sorry.  I tell it to people to MAKE them laugh, it's outrageous.  As for your mom, what a horrible (sadly typical) BPD behaviour; telling you the night before your wedding day about an "affair".  I'm so glad you were still able to enjoy your day!