Possible an eye opener for me.

[trevjim]

When I split with my ex, I was upset as anyone is at the end of a R/S. However I was gutted from having a long term R/S, a son (step), A house, All furnishings etc, To moving back in with the parents and having none of that. It felt like All my hard work over the years has counted for nothing and I was desperate to get that back. The thought of dating someone all over again felt exhausting to me, I just wanted the serious R/S back.

So thats when I wondered about if my expwBPD felt like that and thats a factor in why she got back with an ex, and also why pwBPD recycle ex's. I know there are many other reasons why pwBPD move on so quick and recycle, but I wonder if this was too a factor for her.

Instead of playing the dating game again, she got back with an ex who would move 100mph in a R/S so she could get back to the serious stage and have another 'dad' for her son.

This also could maybe say something about me with me feeling like that.

I wonder if anyone else felt like that at the end of a serious R/S?

[tailspin]

 

Trev,

You've come so far and it's great to see you thinking about what happened without the degree of pain you used to have

Your theory may be true, but if she went back to her ex (vs. having to begin again with someone new) just to get back to the "serious stage" quicker, then things will deteriorate rapidly with this other guy because their mental illness triggers during this stage.

Our ex's seem to want the love without the intimacy and I don't think this is possible; the 2 go hand in hand.  She is chasing a ghost.  You, on the other hand, are facing your fears.  I know how it sucks to lose so much and to have everything you've done thrown back in your face but that's just one way of looking at it.

Consider if you have a meal in a restaurant; it's your favorite meal and you can't wait to eat it.  It looks and smells great but the next day you wake up with food poisoning.  The next time you crave your favorite meal you decide to make it yourself by choosing each ingredient with care and preparing it at home. 

These relationships are a wake-up call for us, and despite the things you've lost, you've acquired an insight that will prove to be invaluable as you move forward with your life and meet a woman who is capable of giving and receiving the love you so richly deserve.

tailspin

[trevjim]

Thank you tail spin. I'm definitely healing, I was going to go on a date the other day and was excited about it, which a few months ago I would of found it a grind. Unfortunately the girl bailed an hour before but that's another story .

My ex seems happy, at least no news has filters has filtered my way which is good. That used to really make me angry about how happy she is(seems) compared to me, and it still does get to me a bit but not on the level it used to.

A question about intimacy, I always found that my ex was very intimate and craved it, she would stare into my eyes for long lengths of time and things like that. Is that not intimacy or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

[tailspin]

Trev,

I also confused intensity (staring into my eyes) with emotional intimacy (always there when I needed him).  Oh yeah, my ex was intense sexually (physical intimacy) but the moment I had a crisis or needed him to be there for me?  He had every excuse in the book why he couldn't and the best he would ever do was call me on the phone.  He was rarely available, or able to make himself available, to comfort me emotionally.

I think our ex's do crave intensity because it gives them a heightened sense of *self* where there really is none. I also think many of us do have our own intimacy avoiding issues, which is why (their) intensity becomes an acceptable intimacy substitute for us.

tailspin

[trevjim]

Trev,

I also confused intensity (staring into my eyes) with emotional intimacy (always there when I needed him).  Oh yeah, my ex was intense sexually (physical intimacy) but the moment I had a crisis or needed him to be there for me?  He had every excuse in the book why he couldn't and the best he would ever do was call me on the phone.  He was rarely available, or able to make himself available, to comfort me emotionally.

I think our ex's do crave intensity because it gives them a heightened sense of *self* where there really is none. I also think many of us do have our own intimacy avoiding issues, which is why (their) intensity becomes an acceptable intimacy substitute for us.

tailspin

Thank you that's helped clear it up. Mine was very physicaly intimate and I thinks that's why I thought she was ok with it. She would generally be there for me if I was upset, but looking back she certainly lacked emotional intimacy in other areas.

[hithere]

Is that not intimacy or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

Yes, these things mean different things to them.  I found out mine would stare at me like this because she was searching for the love in my eyes... .   she just needed a fix.

[LetItBe]

I also confused intensity (staring into my eyes) with emotional intimacy (always there when I needed him). 

Thanks for pointing this out, tailspin.  I believe I had his intensity confused with intimacy, too.

[Blessed0329]

It's amazing how many of our exes did the deep staring in the eyes thing. It was at times like my ex was searching into my soul for something, other times I felt myself almost being welded with him through the staring.