Pause button on life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Even through all the never dull moments, drama, hardships, highs, lows, complete happiness and complete despair... .  living through the experiences the relationship gave me... .  it is ironic how I still felt that my entire life was on pause the entire time.  How could so much be going on from day to day, yet feel that life was at a standstill?

Any thoughts? Is this just something I experienced? I haven't seen it mentioned too much. 

[changingme]

Even through all the never dull moments, drama, hardships, highs, lows, complete happiness and complete despair... .  living through the experiences the relationship gave me... .  it is ironic how I still felt that my entire life was on pause the entire time.  How could so much be going on from day to day, yet feel that life was at a standstill?

Any thoughts? Is this just something I experienced? I haven't seen it mentioned too much. 

[Hurt llama]

Even through all the never dull moments, drama, hardships, highs, lows, complete happiness and complete despair... .  living through the experiences the relationship gave me... .  it is ironic how I still felt that my entire life was on pause the entire time.  How could so much be going on from day to day, yet feel that life was at a standstill?

Any thoughts? Is this just something I experienced? I haven't seen it mentioned too much. 

How long was the relationship? I know I was hyper focused on her, her life, her problems and it took the 'pressure' off of myself in a way. I'm still wondering what the net effect of all of it has been.

I definitely relate to what you are sharing.

[Kunoichi]

I can totally relate to that feeling. I call it living in limbo or just spinning my wheels. We move forward on the calendar and the clock but every day is the same because we are really just running in the circles of the BPD mind.

[changingme]

Hurt llama

It was too long, that is why I was trying to figure out if this was something I was only experiencing but I like this quote... .  

... .  because we are really just running in the circles of the BPD mind.

@Bellamina

Now thinking about it, this makes sense.  We hang on to their every word and action and their dysfunction of BPD that it is easy to loose ourselves and our clock of time and life. 

[Kunoichi]

@ChangingTimes, yes we do. They pull us into their dysfunctional world through no fault of their own really and we go willingly because we love them and want to help. Before we realize what has happened we are stuck in a time loop where the events of the day never seem to change but time moves forward. Kind of like Bill Murray's character in "Groundhog Day" only we never seem to get it right and break the loop. (Not without lots of learning on our part anyway and lots of medical intervention for them)

[changingme]

Maybe that is why I am so drawn to those types of movies! 

[jj2121]

In a crazy way, I miss the drama.

[Kunoichi]

  maybe so

[Kunoichi]

In a crazy way, I miss the drama.

I understand and if I ever leave my hubby I will probably feel that way too. I don't know so much though that you miss it but that it became your normal and now you are without it and you have to define a new normal.

That can be scary, confusing and intimidating. I would find it hard to be without it as well since it is all I have known for almost 20 years.

[jj2121]

Mine was only 4 months, but I will say it felt like years!

[Kunoichi]

Well for me it has been and sometimes hubby and I joke that it feels like much longer than it has actually been

[lhd981]

Though our relationship with was only 7 months of my life, it felt much longer - likely because I simply lost track of time. Like Bellamina said: it was basically Groundhog Day. Even if we went to bed at night holding each other and professing our love, there was no guarantee that the next day wouldn't be full of fighting, accusations or the silent treatment. Even while it was going on, I did have brief moments of clarity (specifically when she'd try breaking up with me and we'd take a small "break" and would think to myself "why does it seem like this relationship can't be integrated into my life? Why does it seem to be independent of all that is going on around me?" - it seemed to exist on its own planet of sorts, away from life on Earth.

The day after the final breakup, the first thing I did was go into the big city and have brunch with some good friends - something I hadn't done in ages. It honestly felt like I was re-acclimating back into the "regular world". A completely bizarre sensation.

[Kunoichi]

I can relate to that feeling too. When hubby is away our home, our pets and my soul are at peace. As soon as I hear the truck pull in the tension level skyrockets. In part that is my fault and the rest is his.

The few times I have been allowed to go somewhere without him, although I am still very much aware of the time and the restraints he puts on me I still feel like I'm in new territory. I breathe easier, I smile easier and I have a good time even if it's just a 10 minute trip the corner store

[wishingwell17]

thanks for posting this thread changingtimes.

the quote from Bellamina really sums it up well.

Hurt llama wrote about our focus on their issues perhaps playing a part. I agree.

I'm recently out of a 5 year r/s. As I look back I realize it was an emotional paralysis of sorts, for almost the entire r/s.

The emotional efforts required to keep up with his rages, moods, lies, and manipulations, etc. were immense, and in this moment I feel like this is the source of the suspended feeling I experienced. The only energy I had left for myself was just enough to remain standing... .  but still.

I don't know (yet) if I what I experienced with the "standing still" feeling was rooted in avoidance, depression, confusion, exasperation, self protection, or... .  it did feel like I was running in circles, like Bellamina noted.  What is important to me is to identify why I allowed myself to stand still, run in circles, or be paralyzed for so long. In illuminating this dysfunction in me, I hope I will not repeat it, or at least identify it sooner, and learn a piece of the puzzle in which I contributed to this very painful experience.

[changingme]

"why does it seem like this relationship can't be integrated into my life? Why does it seem to be independent of all that is going on around me?" - it seemed to exist on its own planet of sorts, away from life on Earth.

Yes this is exactly how I felt!