Going from undecided to staying

[mary_sunshine]

I am so glad to have found this board. What a great support and resource! After a bad several days where I felt I really needed to end things, I have decided to try to stick with my UBPDbf. He was incredibly sweet yesterday and today, and with the new information I'm learning, I'm hoping things can get better. I'm also hoping he will get into therapy, though he has yet to agree to it. He is such a special person, I wish he wasn't burdened with this stupid disorder.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scott72]

Good luck Mary! It's nice to hear something positive. Hope it all works out

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks, Scott! I hope so too. 

[Rainyren]

wow. are you my mirror?

But im still not 100% on staying. but i will stay , make an exit plan. I do not know when i am going to use it. I dont have lots of hope for him to get help but Im practicing a conversation with him about him getting help. I know now is not the time he is not open to it.  A while back i told him i thought he neede anger managment. Well talk about a fit.  But keep me posted if you can? Best of luck!

[mary_sunshine]

Hi Ren,

I've had some pretty bad reactions to suggesting therapy, too. But I keep trying. He's going to try the online CBT training I think, which could be a good start. I wish I had some advice for you as to when or how to approach the subject, but it's always going to be tough. I wish you the best and I will definitely keep you updated, and hope you'll do the same.

[zaqsert]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the staying board!   

It looks like you've started to work through the lessons, which is great.

As you go through your journey, remember that the one thing you can control is what you do.  It can be really frustrating when we can't get our pwBPD to do something, whether it's trying therapy or anything else.  When I start getting to that point of frustration, I need to remind myself that I cannot control them or their behavior, I can only control my actions.

When you do need to bring up something that affects you, the lessons are a great place to start.

Good luck, and let us know how you're doing!

[mary_sunshine]

Yes, Zaqsert, I will try to remember that! Thank you very much for the kind words of encouragement.

[mary_sunshine]

Sad to report that after recommitting myself to work on the relationship, by UBPDbf has packed up and left me... .  again. I let him go. I didn't cry or plead this time. I didn't tell him things could get better, that he could get better.  I just said that he should really be sure this time, because I can't go through this again. On his previous departures I would text him and try to reason with him, try to calm him down, suggest how we could make things better for him, and then he would apologize and eventually come home. This time I have to try the NC. I've never done it before, I don't know if I can. I wonder if he he'll try to contact me if I leave him alone. I feel really shaky right now.

I am going to the "leaving" board now and repost this there. Just wanted to update those who were kind enough to write and wanted to hear how things went... .  wish I had better news.

[Scott72]

Aaaw Mary I'm sorry. Like you I am having to now try full nc - good that you are setting boundaries though. I dislike some of the negativity re BPD that you are better off without them. How can that be so when we love them so much. I hope for both of us nc helps and these cycles can be broken. Your situation resonates with me, I really hope it works out. We and they deserve to be happy with the ones we love, to me that means being together  even during difficult times

[zaqsert]

I'm sorry to hear, Mary.   

Whichever board you end up on, what can you do for yourself?  Sorry if I come across as blunt, but this be a good opportunity to focus on you for right now.  I'm sure you'll get the same question on the leaving board... .  

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks Scott. I really hope things work out the way you want them to. I do have a lot of love for my UBPDbf and think he is a great person. But I have to face the fact that unless he undergoes intense therapy, and does so because he really wants to change, he will never be capable of giving or receiving the kind of love I have to offer and need in return. It's the saddest thing in the world to me right now. But I have to move forward with my own life.

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks, zaqsert. I appreciate that and I haven't had the chance to focus on me in a very long time. I want to put this overwhelming sadness out of my head and do something nice for myself. I can't really think of anything... .  although... .  a massage would be awesome. But I don't feel like setting it up or talking to whomever to arrange it. I wish I could get a virtual massage online. LOL.

[zaqsert]

You might be able to book the massage online.  Then all you need to do is show up and barely talk with anyone about it. 

[mary_sunshine]

You might be able to book the massage online.  Then all you need to do is show up and barely talk with anyone about it. 

[hellokitty4]

Sad to report that after recommitting myself to work on the relationship, by UBPDbf has packed up and left me... .  again. I let him go. I didn't cry or plead this time. I didn't tell him things could get better, that he could get better.  I just said that he should really be sure this time, because I can't go through this again. On his previous departures I would text him and try to reason with him, try to calm him down, suggest how we could make things better for him, and then he would apologize and eventually come home. This time I have to try the NC. I've never done it before, I don't know if I can. I wonder if he he'll try to contact me if I leave him alone. I feel really shaky right now.

I am going to the "leaving" board now and repost this there. Just wanted to update those who were kind enough to write and wanted to hear how things went... .  wish I had better news.

I am so sorry to hear about this. I read your post yesterday and even though it was not happening to me, I was happy for you... .  things change quite rapidly in BPD relationships. Sad but always look at the bright side.

Good luck to you

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks, hellokitty4. Things really do change quickly. In fact, I feel like it's always best between us just before he has a meltdown. Almost as if happiness is too scary a place?

[hellokitty4]

Thanks, hellokitty4. Things really do change quickly. In fact, I feel like it's always best between us just before he has a meltdown. Almost as if happiness is too scary a place?

Yes happiness is too scary a place with a BPD in our lives... .  because pain and sadness is never far behind... .  

[mary_sunshine]

Yes. But what I was actually getting at is that happiness is too scary for the BPD person. When things are good, it makes them uncomfortable so they sabotage it. Anyone think this is true?

[LetItBe]

Yes. But what I was actually getting at is that happiness is too scary for the BPD person. When things are good, it makes them uncomfortable so they sabotage it. Anyone think this is true?

Yes, it is all too true in the case of my uBPDxbf, also.  Engulfment fears... .  

[hellokitty4]

Yes. But what I was actually getting at is that happiness is too scary for the BPD person. When things are good, it makes them uncomfortable so they sabotage it. Anyone think this is true?

I do agree with this too. One day happy, next day finding something to ruin it. Happens too quickly.

[dickL]

mary_sunshine

    UBPD wife of 35 years does the same and runs away to her happiness , common sense and friends say better w/out her. problem is i have always loved her bad and good. treatment discussion starts ww 3. it hurts , but advice to take care and find pleasure in life is very good indeed