Partner demands an apology

[shammick]

Hello,

Trying to find perspective again. There was a period of improvement in my uBPDw, but in the last couple of months things seem to be heading downhill. We have been together a total of 17 years.

This last round of raging was sparked off on Tues night. I was tired, it was at the end of the day. We had both had a long day at work, and then after dinner, cleaning up, getting the kids in bed, we had some time to talk. I asked her about her day, and she talked about work. I listened to her empathetically, encouraged her. Helped her t hink about her future. This lasted about an hour. Not once did she ask about me or my day. Finally, being tired, still having some extra work to do, I said, I'm tired and I still had a little more work to do that night. Suddenly she turns on me and goes on about how I am absent from the family, absent from her, that I work too much. I listened at first, then tried to reason with her, that in fact I didn't work exceedingly long hours, though I do have some weeks which are busier than others, generally I work 45 hours a week or so. I was completely calm, she was getting irritated and I could see the floodgates beginning to open. But I didn't want to engage her at that moment, I just had no energy, nor desire to. So I told her I didn't want to talk about it right then, and that I am going to go to my study for an hour, then go to bed.

That did it. She started swearing at me and verbally abusing me. As I went to my study, I heard her yelling, throwing my books around, ripping pages... .  

The next two days, she continued to hold on to her anger, refusing to talk to me. I have made several attempts to open communication, but she would insult me or yell at me, or just plain ignore me. She would also disrespect me and insult me in front of the kids. Last night, she yelled at our 5 yr old son, 'because of your daddy, because your daddy refuses to engage me, so I'm going to take it out on you!' I had a meeting that night to go to, and I had to take my son with me to work because I was not sure she would calm down when I left.

This morning, she demands an apology from me. I have no idea what for. I suppose this is a step forward, since she is now wanting to communicate. But I don't want to talk to her when she is upset, especially in front of the children. She just yells at me, insults me, tells my son what a bad person I am. Any thoughts?



Sam

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[Somewhere]

Sure.  In some circles we call it CBS.  Here it is "Welcome to BPD."

Let me 'splain what went on . . .

After you talking all nice (just normal in sane world), she was thinking in the mood for Lovin.

But YOU walked out and were going to do some work for an hour or so.  Do I need to draw you a picture?

Never forget it is always AAApwBPD.  Meaning Always All About . . .  that was why nothing about you.  You were feeding the monster and then walked off.

Your best bet ahead is some Porcupine Sex.  Hopefully with the quills down.

Larger problem from my perspective is messing with the 5 year old.  That is evil.  YOU MUST Take Care of the kids.  Mrs. Somewhere had a round of that on our 10 year old -- kid is now in Alateen to cope with the crap.

[daylily]

I listened at first, then tried to reason with her, that in fact I didn't work exceedingly long hours, though I do have some weeks which are busier than others, generally I work 45 hours a week or so. I was completely calm, she was getting irritated and I could see the floodgates beginning to open. But I didn't want to engage her at that moment, I just had no energy, nor desire to. So I told her I didn't want to talk about it right then, and that I am going to go to my study for an hour, then go to bed.

  It's so hard not to JADE, especially when we're tired or busy and forget we're talking to someone with BPD!  She interpreted your justifications, even when communicated calmly, as invalidating her feelings that you are/were abandoning her for your work.  This is where validating the emotion of feeling abandoned instead of JADEing might have prevented the blowup, but I can't say that I always see the "turning point" moment, even when I'm in it!

  Daylily

[jrx]

I can't give you global perspective, but I can say that the words, "I'm tired" encourage my BPD to attack. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because it's a soft boundary and it's easy to cross. Maybe it's because it implies my needs are more important than hers in the moment. Maybe it's her entitlement attitude.

I've discovered that I have to save a little in reserve everyday just in case some (sorry) bullsh_t comes up. It's an enormous waste of time and I just can't put everything into what I do. Does it beat the alternative? She can waste an entire day arguing over nothing, then deny there's anything wrong with it. Your situation may be different. I can tell you that I buy e-books now so they don't get thrown around. And I'm only partially kidding.

[arabella]

Daylily has some good insight here.

If you're looking for some advice on where to go from here (?) then I'd say start by validating the living daylights out of her. Now, don't go validating the invalid. You shouldn't apologize for working, etc. But you can apologize for not listening more carefully if you want to. Or don't apologize at all. Just validate.

Here's a sample (but others on this site are much better at these things then I am so don't take this as being the best example - trust your judgement too!):

"Sweetie, I realize how difficult it must be for you to be here alone. I know that I sometimes work more than you would like. You said that you feel like I'm absent from you and the family." If you are up for the challenge you can then get into problem solving mode, "I don't want you to feel bad when I'm not able to be here. Is there something I could do that would make you feel better about the situation?"

This issue with taking things out on your son - that needs to stop. You might want to consider some hard-line boundaries when it comes to her behaviour toward him. He is too young to set and/or enforce his own boundaries so it is up to you to take care of that for him. Has this happened in the past? How do you plan to handle this aspect?