Breaking Point

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, I confronted H last night about the personal ads he's been looking at and the porn stuff I found on his pc. Of course he denies everything and I just looked at him and said ":)on't insult my intelligence by lying to me, I have the proof would you like to see it?"He continued to deny everything 

I also confronted him about strange phone numbers on his cell and he of course claimed he didn't know any of them. I will give him the benefit of the doubt on one or two since we just got new phones and numbers a month ago but not all of them.

I have decided that the lying is my breaking point. I have caught H in so many lies over the last 18 years that my head is done in.

I have never been able to prove he has cheated on me although my gut has told me many, many times that he has. He even threw at me last night that he has 7 people who can prove where he's been over the last 2 days that he has left the house. I said "Yeah, maybe you can but that doesn't mean EVERY time you leave the house you go where you say you're going." He had no response to that. I then informed him that because I cannot be sure of where he is going and what he is doing that I will no longer be available to him for sex. He never flinched or said a word.

I told him as well that I am done with his lying and his crap. I informed him that I do not care what the hell he does from now on and that he can keep looking at the personal ads because now he needs them. Our situation is a difficult one because I have nowhere to go, no money, no vehicle, no job etc. I will have to stay here with him out of financial need. He is on SSI so if I go to work he loses his benefits and that is a bad thing because then he has no way to go to the doctor to get his meds and no way to pay for them.

I'm in a big ol catch 22 here and navigating a divorce is going to be near impossible but that is exactly what I intend to do. I'm not sure he has quite wrapped his head around my intentions but he will as soon as he gets served with the papers. I think he's in a state of denial because he doesn't believe I'm serious. Every time I have threatened to divorce him before I have always changed my mind after we have both cooled down. This time is different, I'm serious. I could deal with anything else but I cannot and will not continue to tolerate the lying. His lying has put me in jeopardy and that just is not acceptable. He's put me in that situation too many times before.

Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to come through this alive instead of 6 feet under. I'm about to trigger every BPD trigger known to God and man just by going through with all of this and my H is dangerous.

[Kunoichi]

So, I confronted H last night about the personal ads he's been looking at and the porn stuff I found on his pc. Of course he denies everything and I just looked at him and said ":)on't insult my intelligence by lying to me, I have the proof would you like to see it?"He continued to deny everything 

I also confronted him about strange phone numbers on his cell and he of course claimed he didn't know any of them. I will give him the benefit of the doubt on one or two since we just got new phones and numbers a month ago but not all of them.

I have decided that the lying is my breaking point. I have caught H in so many lies over the last 18 years that my head is done in.

I have never been able to prove he has cheated on me although my gut has told me many, many times that he has. He even threw at me last night that he has 7 people who can prove where he's been over the last 2 days that he has left the house. I said "Yeah, maybe you can but that doesn't mean EVERY time you leave the house you go where you say you're going." He had no response to that. I then informed him that because I cannot be sure of where he is going and what he is doing that I will no longer be available to him for sex. He never flinched or said a word.

I told him as well that I am done with his lying and his crap. I informed him that I do not care what the hell he does from now on and that he can keep looking at the personal ads because now he needs them. Our situation is a difficult one because I have nowhere to go, no money, no vehicle, no job etc. I will have to stay here with him out of financial need. He is on SSI so if I go to work he loses his benefits and that is a bad thing because then he has no way to go to the doctor to get his meds and no way to pay for them.

I'm in a big ol catch 22 here and navigating a divorce is going to be near impossible but that is exactly what I intend to do. I'm not sure he has quite wrapped his head around my intentions but he will as soon as he gets served with the papers. I think he's in a state of denial because he doesn't believe I'm serious. Every time I have threatened to divorce him before I have always changed my mind after we have both cooled down. This time is different, I'm serious. I could deal with anything else but I cannot and will not continue to tolerate the lying. His lying has put me in jeopardy and that just is not acceptable. He's put me in that situation too many times before.

Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to come through this alive instead of 6 feet under. I'm about to trigger every BPD trigger known to God and man just by going through with all of this and my H is dangerous.

[WalrusGumboot]

Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to come through this alive instead of 6 feet under. I'm about to trigger every BPD trigger known to God and man just by going through with all of this and my H is dangerous.

I had this fear before I filed. After I did, over the course of the next 3 or 4 months, every known BPD was triggered, just as you suggest. I survived, and I suspect you will too. They seem to use our fear to lock us in. This is that one big last hurdle you face... .  it will be the toughest, but oh so worth it!

Good luck!

[Grey Kitty]

Ballamina, you sound like you are working your way toward some clarity about wanting out of your marriage.

Given what you have already written, I'd like to remind you that yes, he is likely to take this badly, and probably will escalate things. As you just said, your H is dangerous. Please think about things you can do now to plan ahead to keep yourself safe.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Safety First

Emergency - Local Live Support Centers

Do keep posting and let us know how it is going!

[Kunoichi]

Hi GK

Not to worry, this process is going to take a lot of time. I will be very careful in how I approach this situation simply because my husband is dangerous when triggered. I am going to be pummelled relentlessly with accusations of infidelity, abandonment, using him, abusing him, having never loved him God the list is endless! I even suspect he'll make some things up as we go along as he has before .

Of course I will have to make my exit when he is away from the house and I will not leave until I am in a position to be completely independent. I will be triggering many things for him on that day. Abandonment, NC, restraining order and I will probably have to hire bodyguards to keep him away from me not to mention he is currently planning to buy a gun (if he does I plan to take it with me because he has 3 dv convictions against him, 2 on me alone). In the end I suspect 1 of 4 things will happen

1. He will attempt or succeed in killing me

2. He will commit suicide

3. He will be institutionalized

4. He will go on with his life without me.

I know he will at least threaten #1 and #2 but I will be prepared.

[momtara]

Sounds scary.  Hang in there.  you can always get a restraining order if you meet the burden of proof (it's different state to state).

[Forward2free]

Your story rings very true with me and even though I planned my exit for 3 years, I still couldn't control the end result and get out cleanly. He over-reacted beyond my wildest dreams, and I am still dealing with it today and for as long as our children are within family court age range. They are 6 and 8 now.

Dealing with my N/BPDh at the time was a massive test of my resilience. It was the most scared I have ever been in my entire life and I tried to plan the exit like a game with many different alternative endings (as you have done here).

Try not to focus on number 1 - he will certainly threaten horrible things and the fact that you are here for support and seeking answers is a testament to your will to get through this.

Numbers 2,3 and 4 are entirely out of your control and should not factor into what you do now.

Read GK's links and contact the police for an OOP if you need him out of the house faster. Worrying about his finances or medication needs are honourable, but will not keep you safe. Consider if getting a job will be relevant to his status if you are no longer under the same roof or married.

Wishing you strength and calm xxx

[Kunoichi]

Try not to focus on number 1 - he will certainly threaten horrible things and the fact that you are here for support and seeking answers is a testament to your will to get through this.

Numbers 2,3 and 4 are entirely out of your control and should not factor into what you do now.

Hi Kormilda

I am most concerned with him trying to kill me. He has threatened me more times than I can remember just because he thought I was wanting to leave. He has hurt me many times in the past when I have tried to leave just to cool down and although he is medicated that part of him has not changed. If I make any attempt to leave he physically blocks the exits and will physically detain me however he can even if it means killing me. In this regard I have to be extremely covert and cautious.

The rest of the scenarios I can't prevent except to remain in the marriage and I'm just not willing to do that anymore. I have told him in roundabout ways that I am divorcing him and he's been on his best behavior. He has all of these plans to fix up the house, help me with cleaning and he's being very attentive. He's not being pushy with wanting to be close to me or touch me but I'm sure that will come once he starts all of his planned projects. It will be a situation of, I did this for you so you can do this for me, but he's in for a rude awakening.

In the past I have obviously always given in to him, for one just to keep the peace but two because I have been so emotionally invested in him and the marriage that I felt guilty for withholding anything from him whether that be affection, money or material things. I can see very clearly the part I have played in the failure of my marriage and I know that to attempt to change it now will take us right back to day one and I am not willing to regress. It's bad enough we keep running in dizzying circles I have no desire or energy to start over with him.

[egribkb]

I am most concerned with him trying to kill me.

Presumably you have privacy enough to write to this site without him looking over your shoulder. If so then you have enough privacy to get in a car and head to a women's shelter. Go now.

[Kunoichi]

I have pets that mean a great deal to me and I will not leave them behind for him to torture and kill in an attempt to hurt me. They have done nothing to deserve his wrath any more than I have.

[egribkb]

I have pets that mean a great deal to me and I will not leave them behind for him to torture and kill in an attempt to hurt me. They have done nothing to deserve his wrath any more than I have.

Take them with you and on the way to the shelter drop them off at a friend's or relative's or a pet boarding place or... .  

If you aren't ready to leave that's one thing but don't become a statistic. You have the warning signs, you feel in physical danger. 2+2 = get the hell out.

[Kunoichi]

I understand your concern but I am not in any danger as long as I remain status quo. I will be in danger the day I decide to leave.

I have no friends, no family, no job, no money etc so my pets have nowhere to go if they are not with me and I will NOT throw them away at a shelter. They do not deserve that.

I have been married to this man for 18 years so I'm very attuned to his moods and triggers and I know I am safe as long as I play by his rules for now.

[egribkb]

I understand your concern but I am not in any danger as long as I remain status quo. I will be in danger the day I decide to leave.

I have no friends, no family, no job, no money etc so my pets have nowhere to go if they are not with me and I will NOT throw them away at a shelter. They do not deserve that.

I have been married to this man for 18 years so I'm very attuned to his moods and triggers and I know I am safe as long as I play by his rules for now.

Understood. I still think you are playing with fire. You have told him point blank no more sex ever from you and have gotten into his computer and brought to light his pedo tendencies and he knows you are aware of them. He has a history of violence and is on meds to control it. Good luck, I wish you well!

[Kunoichi]

I am playing with fire, you are right and I probably should walk out now but I cannot bring myself to do it having nowhere to go to but a shelter. Because of my discoveries H is subdued and sure that may not last and likely won't but even though I am aware of his transgressions as long as I play along he will be fine. And the sex thing is not that big of a deal since he only wants it every 6 months or so. It's been that way for our entire marriage so it shouldn't be that difficult to navigate

[Grey Kitty]

Bellamina,

I'm not used to feeling like a "mother hen"... .  worrying isn't my usual style.

But here is what has me worried--the feeling I get is that you are planning/expecting to move out in a timeframe that sounds like months, and that just seems like a bad risk in my book.

The last thing I would recommend is that you make a hasty and poorly planned exit. So do take the time to prepare and plan. Can you come up with a plan that has you gone in days, or at most a couple weeks?

One reminder--you have been changing the game from the way your marriage was not long ago--so saying "I've been dealing with this safely for 18 years" applies to an old situation instead of the current one.

GK

[Kunoichi]

You're right GK, I am changing the dynamics of the marriage by imposing these new boundaries. I am putting myself at risk by doing that but I honestly have no other choice. I will not leave my pets behind to be tortured to death and I will not abandon them. I know most people do not understand why I would make their lives equal to mine but they are living beings just like me.

My situation is tenuous but I have no out until I create one and unfortunately that is going to take some time. I have to secure employment so that I can have the money I need to leave and make a better home for myself and my pets. It may take me months or longer but I am willing to take as much time as I need to make a clean break. I am fortunate that I do not have children but my pets are like my children and I will do whatever it takes to keep them as well as myself safe.

Like I said in another post, when I leave I'm leaving the county. He will never expect that, he will suspect that I have moved in with my sister who lives in another state but that will be wrong too. I will be sure to file my divorce in the county that he lives so as not to give away my location. I am also prepared to change my name which I have already chosen and even apply for a new social security number if need be. I am getting my ducks in a row so to speak before I make a break for freedom.

[ForeverDad]

If there were children, you would have to establish residency, a 6 month process, in the new county or state if you wanted to file there.  Without children, there likely are far fewer filing requirements.  A family law attorney, or even domestic court, can inform you of the limitations, requirements and procedures in either county.

You will have to inform the court of your residence.  I don't know if a PO Box will be sufficient.  However, courts recognize there can be conflict and risks so they typically allow for you to keep your new address private from the other spouse.

Even if you feel you can't leave yet, arrange your records and possessions so that if you do have to leave at a moment's notice you can be somewhat organized and prioritized as you exit.

[Kunoichi]

Fortunately where I live you only have to prove residency of the state not each county and since I am not leaving the state then that will not be an obstacle.

As for my new address it is only required to file the papers but is not included on the divorce papers themselves. There is no need for my husband to have any contact information for me anyway because we have no children together. I can also request that my contact information be kept confidential because of his history of dv against me.

As for personal possessions that will be simple. I only intend to take my clothes, important documents and very, very few sentimental items (possibly just one medium sized box) as well as my pets. When I leave it is not only to break free from him but to leave behind all of the hurt, anger, bitterness and negativity. I will be starting from scratch with a fresh breath of air and a positive outlook.

[KateCat]

Bellamina,

I feel the same way about animals as you do. I wonder if there is any volunteer group in your area that offers foster care for animals when an owner is in a situation of crisis. They seem to be quite active in my area, but it is a large metro area, and similar services may be harder to find elsewhere. Maybe checking with the local humane society, local veterinarians or local military family support groups (I think there's a national group called something like ":)ogs on Deployment" might lead to some eager and caring animal lovers in your area.

I think you can do this. 

[Kunoichi]

I'll have to look into that KateCat, I have never heard of anything like that in my county. Maybe when I am stable and happy I should start my own group for needy animals and their humans during a crisis

[KateCat]

I was thinking of doing this later too. My cat Ozzy will certainly not permit it in his lifetime. 

[Kunoichi]

If he's anything like my 4 kitties then I can understand. Too much competition for our attention

[KateCat]

Come to think of it, my cat had a "foster mother" via the humane society even before I adopted him at the age of eight weeks. So he's definitely the jealous type.

[Kunoichi]

My 4 are definitely resistant to newcomers

[Forward2free]

Hi Bellamina, reading your posts about your fears of him killing you and/or torturing the animals fills me with real fear for you.

I know the exact date/time and circumstance that I knew deep down that N/BPDxh was not just threatening to kill me and the kids to scare or control me... .  I knew, with certainty, that he meant what he said. It was the most terrified and calm I have ever been.

I had been planning my escape for years but I wasn't ready, not really. I had so many people to call, domestic violence shelters that I had never called or been to, bank accounts I'd never opened, alternate living arrangements I'd never explored and colleagues that had no idea anything was wrong in my life.

I really truly thought I knew him (over 10 years together) and that I could mold myself around his moods to stay safe. The only problem was the more I was emotionally getting ready to leave, the harder it was to let him abuse me. I was getting stronger and acting submissive was no longer working. He knew that he'd lost me and he went full out to punish me and keep me scared enough to stay.

I know that fear can drive you to make changes, but it can also endanger you in ways you never considered. I don't want to minimise your attachment to your pets and I know that no decision to leave them anywhere is going to be easy, but if your plan is to relocate, then you need to have a plan anyway. You could try a local church in your area and start to talk with people who would be happy to home them for a while - like fostering.

It would be great if you could reach out to a domestic violence centre. They can provide emergency accommodation and help you to relocate and probably for your cats to find new homes too. No one will judge you and they are there to help you get stronger and be protected.

Don't make the mistake of staying in danger longer than you should. As others have said, it's too easy to become a statistic.

Take care and make a call today? xxx

[Kunoichi]

Thank you Kormilda and please trust that I have read every word each of you have written and I take it all to heart. I am noticing some changes in my H since I have started to detach from him. And, I do not for one minute believe that the situation cannot or even will not turn for the worse at a moments notice. All I can say is for the time being I feel safe as things are but if at any time I feel in danger I will not hesitate to leave, call the police and head for higher ground.

I know it sounds foolish when I say this but I really can predict my H moods for the most part. I know exactly what he will say and how he will react to each and every situation that presents itself, even the ugly ones. I am also very well "trained" if you will to act/react accordingly.