Do BPD's understand implications of bringing a person into their child's life?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello All!

I am wondering if BPD's have any idea about the impact of bringing a person into their young child's life? My exBPD had a 4 year old daughter. Over the course of the relationship I came to be a very important person in her life. I was involved in every aspect of the child's life. You can say I was a father figure. The child became very attached to me and in so many ways I had accepted her as my own. Two weeks before my ex broke up with me, her child called me "uncle" This was prompted by the fact that she had learned that I was an uncle. When my ex heard this she quickly told the child not to call me that and to address me by my name. I understand that the child had no idea of the complexity of the relationship that her mother and I had but she knew me as apart of her everyday life. Anyways, when my ex decided to breakup, she wanted to remain friends for the sake of the child and that I could be her "uncle" Funny huh? She tells the kid not to call me that but when she breaks it off, it is okay for me to be called that. I thought about how confusing that must be for the child. I decided that NC was the best option. At this point I was called selfish, which is very funny because I did all the giving. I just couldn't continue to be in the child's life and be expected to go through all the motions that I did as a boyfriend without the committment. God knows my ex would have expected the same out of me after my demotion. So do BPD's understand fully how their decisions effect their children's lives. I was litterally there everyday and the next I was gone. I can't imagine how the child felt or what they thought happened. Do they see me as abandoning their child as well as them? If reconcilation was ever to take place, would they expect me to pick back up where I left off with their child? I just need some idea as to what happens in a situation like this. Any help will be greatly appreciated!

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

Hello All!

I am wondering if BPD's have any idea about the impact of bringing a person into their young child's life? My exBPD had a 4 year old daughter. Over the course of the relationship I came to be a very important person in her life. I was involved in every aspect of the child's life. You can say I was a father figure. The child became very attached to me and in so many ways I had accepted her as my own. Two weeks before my ex broke up with me, her child called me "uncle" This was prompted by the fact that she had learned that I was an uncle. When my ex heard this she quickly told the child not to call me that and to address me by my name. I understand that the child had no idea of the complexity of the relationship that her mother and I had but she knew me as apart of her everyday life. Anyways, when my ex decided to breakup, she wanted to remain friends for the sake of the child and that I could be her "uncle" Funny huh? She tells the kid not to call me that but when she breaks it off, it is okay for me to be called that. I thought about how confusing that must be for the child. I decided that NC was the best option. At this point I was called selfish, which is very funny because I did all the giving. I just couldn't continue to be in the child's life and be expected to go through all the motions that I did as a boyfriend without the committment. God knows my ex would have expected the same out of me after my demotion. So do BPD's understand fully how their decisions effect their children's lives. I was litterally there everyday and the next I was gone. I can't imagine how the child felt or what they thought happened. Do they see me as abandoning their child as well as them? If reconcilation was ever to take place, would they expect me to pick back up where I left off with their child? I just need some idea as to what happens in a situation like this. Any help will be greatly appreciated!

[ScotisGone74]

Does a three year old consider other's feelings before carrying out tasks they want done?  No-neither do people with BPD.  Their needs and wants take priority over everyone and everything.  Honestly the reason she wanted to remain 'friends' with you had absolutely nothing to do with the child, but more to do with her own needs of having a security blanket(you) on standby in case she Needed it.  I know this will hurt to hear, but unfortunately children of pwBPD are theirs' to emotionally mangle and maim as they wish, and there isn't anything you can do about it except move on and protect yourself.  Read up on these boards, there are some people on here that have expwBPD that have gone threw countless Significant Other's who have become really attached to their children and the BPD has no problem continuing their endless cycle.  Its sad to see this happen but all you can do is protect yourself and be glad for the joy and happiness you brought into the life of a child even for a brief period of time.  Peace

 

[BrewCrew17]

Hey JRP. One of those people who has been through this is right here. My ex had a young daughter who I helped raise since she was on a bottle, 6 months old. She left me just before she turned 5 years old. Mind you, this child called me Daddy! I called her my daughter. I provided for her, I was an absolute huge part of her life. My family was the main support system of this child since my ex had little to no relationship with her parents. She absolutely idolized me. She was taken from me at the drop of my hat when my ex left me and I never saw the child again. It is now going on 5 months. The whole things sickens me to the point of nausea. I know she asks for me and my family, and I can only imagine what my heartless ex gives her for an explanation. She is now on her third man since this child was born, and she is barely 5 years old. To me, this is utterly disgusting, and my ex should be ashamed of herself. Her pre-kindergarten graduation was today, and I was not a part of it. So I have not only dealt with the immense pain of losing who I thought was the woman of my dreams, but also the loss of someone I called my daughter, only to have absolutely no rights to being able to see her. My ex uses this as a way to control me, she knows I have no legal rights to the child, and she clearly completely ignores the emotional outcries of her 5 year old daughter. Tell me that is not someone who is sick in the head. It is gutless, heartless, and cowardly. She should be ashamed of herself. Period.

[spaceace]

It really isn't about the kids. They don't think that far ahead. My wife has 3 boys. Her youngest, who is now seven, and I have been in his life since he was 2, kept asking his mother, when is (my name) moving back in with us? Is, (my name) staying over this weekend, can I go out with (me) to the store. The kid adored me. And what was worse, she and I went rounds about how to love and accept her children fully. Not that I didn't do that... . but she had certain expectations of what a step dad was supposed to do, and regardless if I did every single thing she requested, it mattered little. I am no longer in their lives. I feel bad for the kids. They have a tenuous relationship at best with their father, and she wanted me to be the father figure... .  which was one of the main reason I wanted to be in her life... .  I loved her kids. It's such a shame... . for them and for me.

[findingmyselfagain]

I would echo everyone else's comments. Some pwBPDs may appear more "high-functioning" than others, but really they are emotional children stuck in the body of an adult. Mine had her 1 y/o daughter calling me "daddy" within a few weeks of us dating. She had been divorced 2 times at the age of 24 y/o, and just recently divorced when we started dating. I fell for the "poor me/single mom" act. That's another story. I know mine has been with at least two men since me. So that's at least four men by the age of 4 y/o for the baby girl. Her father is still in her life. I can only imagine how it must affect her to see all the men come on and go. I was in a major to mild depression for years afterwards. Losing the child was probably the hardest part, b/c I really believed in the r/s.  I've moved on now as much as I can. I only feel sadness and confusion when I think about the whole thing. The important thing is to understand is it's just a result of their mental illness and it's all out of your control. It's sad for children, I think they REALLY get the short end of the stick, but we need to live healthy lives and find healthier partners.

[Whichwayisup]

Hi,

I can only concur with the sentiments already put forward and I too fell for the poor me, single mum scenario, now we have S15, D10 & D3 - the only shining lights and why I do not regret this whole debacle.  My wife has taken the kids and is using them as ammo against me, even tho’ I was effectively a primary sole carer for much of the last few months while she was re-discovering her love of nightclubs and as it turned out another man - she is slowly impacting hugely onto the kids by telling them to withhold information, communicating their requirements without involving me, not thinking ahead and resulting in them missing activities (football, swimming, dance etc.)  

I cannot wait for mediation to expose how this is portrayed as in their best interests - but the worst has been introducing her new guy to the kids against my L's and my explicit request.  This was following a fortnight of refusing to let me see the kids and denying there was another guy at all - then I get a text telling me they met him at the kids request! (How can you request to meet someone you don't know exists?)  The behaviour is reprehensible without allowing them any time to try and settle from the separation at all as they are in so much upheaval.

I am thankful that at least I have 50/50 contact at the moment and am trying whilst not to press too hard on the kids, show them what is possible in a calm and consistent environment, but I am terrified of how this will all impact on them.  USTBexW is proposing to pick them up at 10pm from friends, will not confirm who is looking after them nor respond to any of my requests for confirmation of the children’s welfare etc. At which point does this become a more serious matter, bring on mediation asap... .   I suspect the mediator may not be so impartial when my documented facts can’t be supported as the kids best interests... .  

On the plus side, I am meant to have the kids for the next 6 days - good chance to let them see how peaceful family life can be - I am horrified about what may be going on when they are with her, they are truly being stuck in the middle (the one place I would never want them.  I have read through “An Umbrella For Alex” with the youngest two and just taken delivery of a few more kids books based on separation and living in two houses but God only knows the impact this will have on them.

Any suggestions are welcomed as the only real thing I can seem to do – is maintain dignity, consistency and know that in time they will see for themselves the sharp contrast in dynamics.

Whichwayisup

[spaceace]

I think you should understand, a mediator does not set the rules. The court mediator will only sign off on what the two of you agree on. This is important to understand. YOU have just as much rights as SHE does with the children. If you are already having these many issues, you need to impartially document them and be prepared to go to court. If you have the ability and wherewithal to be a full time care giver for your children, you may very well want to pursue court action to get full custody.

I am speaking from experience. I have had custody of my 3 children for 8 years.

It's a terrible and difficult situation to be in. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you peace and calmness... .

[hithere]

Do BPD's understand implications of bringing a person into their child's life?

I don't think so, my exBPD was very selfish, she cared mostly about how things effected her not her kids.

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

First and foremost I want to thank each and every one of you for responding! Your insights have been very helpful and truly speak volumes. As ScotisGone74 said "Its sad to see this happen but all you can do is protect yourself and be glad for the joy and happiness you brought into the life of a child even for a brief period of time." All I can say is that I did right by her child. The kid didn't have the best relationship with her father. He had serious issues as well. I can say that the last time I seen her child, it was a happy occasion. I hugged her and told her that I loved her. There are times I can let this go, but then I get really upset over it and just feel like screaming! You just don't these kind of things to a child. After the fact my mother and I had a talk about it. I grew up in a divorced household with my mother. She never got remarried after my dad left. She told me the reason she never wanted to bring men back was because she was afraid that I would become attached all the while she not being able to see a future with any of them. That is more of a normal response from a single parent looking out for their children. It has been over a month now since I have seen the child and it is rough. During the relationship my ex started calling her daughter "ours" and the such. It is things like that, that eat me alive. We actually broke up a couple days before Easter. When Easter came, all I could think of was that little girl. I had bought her some gifts and told my ex to label them from the Easter Bunny. I hope she got her gifts. If you were to go into her room, you wouldn't have to go very far to see something that would spark a memory of me. It is all just so sickening! I would love to be in her life, but at the same time I know my ex would capitalize on it. God only knows what she has told her already. She had a real bad habit of ignoring people when what they were saying had no interest to her. Kind of like "I see your mouth moving, but I don't hear anything coming out" The little girl also had issues with her father and would always ask about him, my ex being the way she was would ignore the questions or simply change the subject. Which I guess was okay, but I didn't feel it was. I just don't think I could emotionally go through it again if the time should come that my ex and I come face to face. It really stings to think that I grew a bond with a child and now I can't be there to see her develop. I don't have any children of my own.

[Whichwayisup]

I think you should understand, a mediator does not set the rules. The court mediator will only sign off on what the two of you agree on.

Thanks spaceace, you are right, I hadn't put my comments in context.  

I am documenting everything and her refusal to engage is playing into my desire to ultimately look after the kids(which will presumably happen once she gets fed up using them against me or simy can't be bothered caring for them, there's already a pattern of me picking up unplanned days and nights as "something comes up".  I had meant that the mediator has already confirmed that if (as I suspect) no agreement will be possible in the circumstances that I am certainly envisaging going to court.  The short term intense pain is only counter balanced by the hope of this evidence being credible in the eyes of the court and being taken seriously.  I have made it clear to the mediator that I have no apprehension about using anything in court that has been disclosed in mediation, I have nothing to hide or fear... .   Just wish the whole thing moved quicker to be honest. I don't deny their right to see their mother, in fact in a perverse way, I am arguing that she should see them over the next few days as 7 days away from either parent is not good for them, she doesn't seem to understand it tho... .     I am heartened by the news that you have been successful, that gives me hope.  

I would never have believed a mother could use her children in the way my stbxBPDw has done, I can only think they see the children in terms of objects that can be manipulated to further their interests... .   Tragically sad for all concerned but more so when you a unable to have any impact on the little ones... .   Simply tragic, but you know the truth and the truth will set us all free one day or another... .  

Keep faith in yourself. We are thinking of you in your times of pain.

whichwayisup

[ScotisGone74]

Its a sad situation all the way around really it is.  Its the reason that many people with BPD parents grow up to have major problems of their own, and its easy to see why.  But it also works the other way as well, Nons with kids that want to take care of them have the BPD divide them and seperate them from their kids by any means necessary.  Either way a healthy, fullfilling life with children with a BPD who is not receiving professional treatment is going to be a stretch to say the least.