Wedding Planning Drama

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone,

I'm brand new to the site and wanted to share what I've been dealing with for the past few months, to hopefully get some advice.

My family and I think that my mom has BPD (I think the abbreviation is uBPD).  She is prone to angry outbursts and rage, she is completely irrational, selfish, and starving for attention, among other thinks.  She also has a drinking problem.  She says she is going to a therapist, but we aren't sure if that is true.  She desperately needs help, but doesn't think she has a real problem and blames everyone else for her behavior.

My relationship with my mother has been rocky since I moved out of the house about 6 years ago and gained some independence.  She does have some intense feelings about her family abandoning her.  We've gone through some long spells of not speaking.  The last one lasted about 3 months, because she was angry that I didn't tell her that her mother was going in for surgery (she does not have a relationship with her mother).  Her reaction felt completely irrational.

Anyways, I got engaged last year, and we are getting married this fall.  My mom was very excited for me, and the planning was going great until I sent her the guest list which included my aunt (my dad's sister).

A little background-my mom used to have a great relationship with her sister-in-law.  When my aunt got married about three years ago, she decided to have an adults only reception, which meant that my brother could not go (he was 10 at the time).  My mother had a complete freak-out.  She decided that my aunt's decision was a direct attack on our family (even though there are about 10 other children on my dad's side of the family that weren't invited either).  My mom's reaction caused such an uproar in our family.  I went to the wedding with my sister and my dad, and my mom decided that she would not attend because my brother wasn't invited.  And she has been punishing us ever since-for the past three years.  My father has especially been attacked.  Every time they have an argument, she brings this up.  She really isn't able to express why she is so upset-mostly that she was incredibly offended, and seems to think my aunt wants to split our family up (from what I can see, my aunt wants no such thing-in my opinion, my mom's reaction and behavior is splitting up our family).  Her reaction and feelings about this seem to be blown way out of proportion.  I think that she feels a little threatened that her daughters have a relationship with another female family member (this is evident in her feelings towards other female family members, like my grandmother). 

Fast forward to my younger sister's wedding last August-my sister invited my aunt to her wedding, and she didn't hear the end of it from my mom for the 6 months leading up to the event.  My sister did not enjoy planning her wedding one bit, because every time anything wedding related came up, my mom would bring up my aunt and it would cause an argument.  My mom would even send nasty text messages to my sister in the middle of the night.  My sister was so upset, she dropped to 90lbs. before her wedding!

Now back to my wedding-I would like to invite my aunt as well, and of course my mom is upset about it.  My fiance and I have tried to sit down and talk to her about it, and my dad, mom and I even went to a counseling session over it.  I haven't spoken to her in the past three weeks, aside from the session.  We were supposed to continue therapy, but she has canceled the appointments and pretty much refuses to go.

I have my own issues with GAD and OCD, and have been managing the symptoms very well until recently.  I'm just very upset that I can't enjoy planning my wedding with my mom.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance.  I would love to be able to plan my wedding with my mother, but I think I need to lower my expectations regarding her involvement.  It's been difficult to even focus on the planning, because I've been a little depressed about this situation.

Sorry about the long post!  It does feel good to get all of this out!

[ducky1984]

Hi Everyone,

I'm brand new to the site and wanted to share what I've been dealing with for the past few months, to hopefully get some advice.

My family and I think that my mom has BPD (I think the abbreviation is uBPD).  She is prone to angry outbursts and rage, she is completely irrational, selfish, and starving for attention, among other thinks.  She also has a drinking problem.  She says she is going to a therapist, but we aren't sure if that is true.  She desperately needs help, but doesn't think she has a real problem and blames everyone else for her behavior.

My relationship with my mother has been rocky since I moved out of the house about 6 years ago and gained some independence.  She does have some intense feelings about her family abandoning her.  We've gone through some long spells of not speaking.  The last one lasted about 3 months, because she was angry that I didn't tell her that her mother was going in for surgery (she does not have a relationship with her mother).  Her reaction felt completely irrational.

Anyways, I got engaged last year, and we are getting married this fall.  My mom was very excited for me, and the planning was going great until I sent her the guest list which included my aunt (my dad's sister).

A little background-my mom used to have a great relationship with her sister-in-law.  When my aunt got married about three years ago, she decided to have an adults only reception, which meant that my brother could not go (he was 10 at the time).  My mother had a complete freak-out.  She decided that my aunt's decision was a direct attack on our family (even though there are about 10 other children on my dad's side of the family that weren't invited either).  My mom's reaction caused such an uproar in our family.  I went to the wedding with my sister and my dad, and my mom decided that she would not attend because my brother wasn't invited.  And she has been punishing us ever since-for the past three years.  My father has especially been attacked.  Every time they have an argument, she brings this up.  She really isn't able to express why she is so upset-mostly that she was incredibly offended, and seems to think my aunt wants to split our family up (from what I can see, my aunt wants no such thing-in my opinion, my mom's reaction and behavior is splitting up our family).  Her reaction and feelings about this seem to be blown way out of proportion.  I think that she feels a little threatened that her daughters have a relationship with another female family member (this is evident in her feelings towards other female family members, like my grandmother). 

Fast forward to my younger sister's wedding last August-my sister invited my aunt to her wedding, and she didn't hear the end of it from my mom for the 6 months leading up to the event.  My sister did not enjoy planning her wedding one bit, because every time anything wedding related came up, my mom would bring up my aunt and it would cause an argument.  My mom would even send nasty text messages to my sister in the middle of the night.  My sister was so upset, she dropped to 90lbs. before her wedding!

Now back to my wedding-I would like to invite my aunt as well, and of course my mom is upset about it.  My fiance and I have tried to sit down and talk to her about it, and my dad, mom and I even went to a counseling session over it.  I haven't spoken to her in the past three weeks, aside from the session.  We were supposed to continue therapy, but she has canceled the appointments and pretty much refuses to go.

I have my own issues with GAD and OCD, and have been managing the symptoms very well until recently.  I'm just very upset that I can't enjoy planning my wedding with my mom.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance.  I would love to be able to plan my wedding with my mother, but I think I need to lower my expectations regarding her involvement.  It's been difficult to even focus on the planning, because I've been a little depressed about this situation.

Sorry about the long post!  It does feel good to get all of this out!

[peaceplease]

ducky1984,

  I am glad that you joned us here at bpdfamily.  I am so sorry about things with your mom and all the complications planning your wedding.  A wedding day is supposed to be about the bride and groom.  I am sorry that you do not have the support of your mom regarding your wedding plans. 

All of this stress can definitely lead to an exacerbation of your GAD. 


Here is some material on the adult child of a BPD parent:  BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

You will find much support on this site.  Hopefully, you may find someone on the board that I mentioned above that had a simlar experience.  I have an adult daughter with suspect BPD, and she is jealous of time that I spend with my mother.  My uBPDd has felt abandoned since I became my mother's caregiver a few years ago. 

Please come back and keep us updated.  We are here for you.   

peaceplease

[scallops]

Dear ducky1984

I want to join peaceplease in welcoming you to this site. I am so sorry that instead on enjoying this time of planning your wedding it has become a battle instead. I really have no magical answer to you. I think you have a few ways to approach it.

1) You don't invite your aunt... . how would you feel about that? How would your aunt feel? She might be the more reasonable person in this equation and might be prefectly fine not attending.

2) You set some boundaries with your mom and tell her that you understand that she has issues with her SIL but that it was your wedding and you will invite who you chose... . tell her that it is no longer open for discussion and that you will not argue about it further because of the stress it is causing you. I would then not get into a discussion with her about it.

3) Can you tell your mom that you are inviting the aunt but it is important that your mom is comfortable at the wedding so ask her what you can do to help her accept the decision you have made... . could it be that your aunt has to sit at a back table? Can there be a compromise?

I do think you could benefit from the communication toold here... . please take a look at the articles... . there has to be a way to validate her feelings but still stick to your guns... . Please try posting on the healing board as well.

Can I ask how your sister's wedding ended up? Did all go well between your aunt and mother?

[ducky1984]

Thank you scallops and peaceplease for your responses.  I will definitely take a look at the articles and other threads on the site.

Scallops,

I've thought about just not inviting my aunt-she would definitely understand.  And I do struggle with the fact that if I just didn't invite her, my mom and I would be getting along.  However, my experience with my mother is that once something is resolved, she will just focus on another thing she doesn't like and create a new conflict.  Also, my grandparents-my father's parents, are very elderly and have early onset dementia.  I definitely want them at my wedding, and I know that they will need my aunt to take them and look after them.  They wouldn't go with anyone else-they feel most comfortable with her.

I am working on setting some boundaries with my mother.  My therapist and I have been talking a lot about that.  I'm realizing that I need to stand my ground, and my mother will need to decide how much involvement she will have in my wedding.

I think on some level, my family and I think that this anger and rage towards my aunt has been going on long enough, and we are just tired of it-so in a way we are trying to force her to get over it.  Which probably isn't the best strategy.  We are just at our wits end.  She can't let it go.  I'm afraid my parents will get a divorce over this.

My sister's wedding was great!  We had a very nice time.  However, afterwards, my mother said she did not enjoy herself at all because "that woman" was there (my aunt).  My aunt did try to come up to her to give her a hug, but my mom blew her off.

I just wish that my mom would realize that something is wrong, and that she is not well.  I want her to get the help that she needs.

[BlueCat]

  However, my experience with my mother is that once something is resolved, she will just focus on another thing she doesn't like and create a new conflict. 

This.

The thing is, you're not going to fix your mother, and you're not going to "force her to get over it" either. She has to be the one to fix herself and if she can't or won't then there's nothing you can do about her anger.

The only thing you can do is manage *your* reactions.

I'm happy for you that you are already in therapy! And boundaries are good. You can tell your mother you won't talk about Aunt and then when she brings it up, remind her you won't talk about it and if she continues, you hang up the phone or leave or whatever. She might eventually get the idea that she can't talk about it with you (of course she will then talk about it even more with other people but hey, not with you!).

And don't worry about whether they get a divorce. Seriously. Don't put that on yourself. If the only thing keeping them together is everyone tip toeing around your mother it's not a marriage worth saving is it? But whether it's worth saving or not, and the responsibility to try, is between the husband and wife and no one else.

Good luck. I know there's a lot of guilt in situations like this. It's hard to love someone and feel utterly frustrated and angry at their behavior at the same time (on and on for long periods of time - it's hard!).