Was it really love? Was it a love worth having? The age-old debate.

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm nearly 3 years out of my relationship. I couldn't be happier that the time has finally passed and I'm feeling much more like myself. At one time I never would have seen myself posting on a support board about a r/s with my "soulmate." The months dragged and dragged for a long time. It's taken a long time for me to get over a very intense first "love." This weekend was a bit strange b/c I decided to go exploring near her home town. I visited a spot we visited once, and I found some new places there. I think it's good for me to go back and think and remember sometimes. It was an important chapter of my life though it turned out to pretty much be a disaster. It's good to remember the good times and also to let the "lesson" sink in. It doesn't depress me as much as it used to. I'm not as angry. More than anything, I'm just kind of amazed it even happened. The typical dynamic of the "splitting"... .  a soulmate very quickly, and when intimacy hits... .  it's just like a freight train. I found out 2 years later that she was having debilitating panic attacks at the "mere thought of marrying me" (her words)... .  and of course projected all of the blame on me.

The question I ask now is Was it really love? Was it a love worth having? It's been an unusual past day or 2 in that I've been reflecting a lot. I went back and read the old emails and FB posts and they were legion in the beginning. She was totally into me. It felt like I was in love with my soulmate. But, I also remembered emailing my life coach about some of our early arguments and communication problems. I lost my virginity to her, and within 2 weeks I was already starting to second guess myself. I knew I was a good guy and that her demands were unreasonable or seemed out of place with all of the "love" supposedly going on, but my coach encouraged me to keep going. More likely our conflict resolutions were more about her avoiding abandonment than any real resolution.

Was it really love? I don't think it was a healthy lasting love. It was definitely way too fast. There's no way you can truly know if someone is a life-mate in a few weeks. Now, I think I have to define healthy love as love between two healthy adults (with proper boundaries). The love I experienced with the pwBPD was infatuation and a "heat of the moment" passion. Kind of like being on a permanent one-night stand adrenaline rush maybe? I believe she thought she loved me. She believed she was showing  me that she loved me. I certainly felt like I was loved (but I didn't know who she REALLY was!). But was it something real, and tangible, and lasting? No, it wasn't.

Was it a love worth having? As much as it pains me to say it in some ways, Not really. Though we shared mostly good moments, and I'd describe us as two good souls just hanging out together 90% of the time. There were moments that were very painful, and if I saw any hint of what the future would bring, I would have bailed out a lot sooner. Love isn't a walk in the park, but it should be comfortable. Yes, I learned some valuable lessons, but when you say something was a "lesson learned" it's usually not positive in itself. I feel compassion for my ex and pwBPDs. I just believe that at best healthy love is very, very difficult for them.

Any thoughts?

[cska]

Hey!

I too lost my virginity to my BPD gf. We're not talking now, and I'm trying to detach, b/c she emotionally wounded me pretty badly. In a few weeks of knowing her, I became so intensely attached, that I stopped imagining my life without her. This was the girl I wanted to start a family with, and she wanted to as well. Was it Love? Back then, at the beginning, I think it was. The way she looked at me, our walks in the park together... . Yes, it was definitely Love. I think she genuinely Loved me... . But I think pwBPD can't stay consistent, so she was not able to hold on to the Love, and it fled from her... .

Was it Love worth having? Yes... . i became a much more compassionate person. I stopped judging people. I think that's worth all of the pain and tears... .

[Clearmind]

Was it really love? Depends on your definition of love – I have revisited that definition many times since my separation and came up with: “mutual respect, admiration (not idealization), not wanting/needing to change them to fit your needs, not needing to save them or them save you, allowing you the space to be you, not feeling responsible for your emotional state or casting blaming, discussing relationships issues maturely, taking responsibility for your part, continuing to work on yourself to then provide to the relationship/union”.

This definition did not fit my relationship at all – for me my relationship was about emotional need – I needed to be needed.

Was it love worth having? I have learnt a lot about myself and now choose healthy relationships which are drama and abuse free – So was it worth it? Absolutely!

[ComoLu]

I asked my uxBPDH if he had ever really loved me shortly after he left 2 yrs. ago.  He, with obvious pain in his voice, cried, "Of course I did.  I always have."  I believed him.  He loved me in his own way.  I truly believe that.  For me, it was a love worth having.  I learned to love unconditionally.  I became a better person.  I wouldn't be who I am now without him, and I like me... .  most of the time.  This is what keeps me sane and moving forward.  I know how to love and forgive and be selfless, and this is at least in part due to being with him for so many years through so many life events.  I hate the pain I have now, but I love my children and grandchildren, and I have so many precious memories.  I can't change it.  I can only accept it.  There is no debate for me.  Love takes many different forms, but they are all worth experiencing because it makes us who we are.