Help with what to tell the kids

[hopesky]

My wife flipped out yesterday- rages at my kids (age 12 & 14).  Same story of a realtively small issue that feels HUGE to her.  It's so hard to see the confusion and despair in my kids.  My question is what do I tell them when their Mom rages out of control?  I still think it's important they value and respect her, but how do I encourage kids so young that sometimes she "overreacts"?

I told my 14 year old daughter that she is NOT repsonsible for her mom's feelings.  That Mommy can be happy, sad, mad,  whatever, and that's HER feelings and she (my daughter) has no obligation to try to make her feel better- that only Mommy is responsible for how she feels.  This seemed to ease her anxiety a bit. 

My 12 year old son is unfortunatley showing major BPD symptons -so I really don't know what to tell him?

Any suggestions on what to tell them about their Mom's BPD behaviour?

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[lizzie458]

My first thought is not to invalidate your W's feelings to the kids, because they will internalize that there are feelings which are not OK to have.  That's what I thought of when you mentioned her "overreaction".  I don't like that word because of its invalidating properties - instead I prefer to go the route of validating the emotion i.e. "mom was very sad/hurt/upset/whatever feeling... .  " and addressing the behavior i.e. "... .  but it is not OK for her to scream/insult/etc. other hurtful behaviors... .  we all get sad/angry/whatever sometimes, and that's normal and OK - but it's important that we find ways to work through that without hurting other people, like going for a run, even screaming into a pillow, etc."  I've never been in your shoes, though I'm pretty sure I will be someday.  These are just some things that came up for me upon reading your post.

I think you did a great job with your daughter - we all feel different things in varying intensities and that is each person's thing to own.  Maybe emphasizing the feelings vs. behavior thing would be good for your son.

[Auspicious]

My wife flipped out yesterday- rages at my kids (age 12 & 14).  Same story of a realtively small issue that feels HUGE to her.  It's so hard to see the confusion and despair in my kids.  My question is what do I tell them when their Mom rages out of control?  I still think it's important they value and respect her, but how do I encourage kids so young that sometimes she "overreacts"?

It is a tough line to walk, between still encouraging respect for your wife and being a team, and also protecting the kids when her behavior is over the top. Can't say that I've found any perfect answers.

If the behavior is just flat out wrong, you can certainly step in. If it is yelling, for example, you might step between and say something like "kids, why don't you go spend some time in your room(s), so we can give things {not "her"}  a chance to settle down."  Yeah, she won't be happy, but tough.

It's when the behavior isn't so clear cut that it is trickier, in my opinion.

[yeeter]

I dont plan on telling my kids anything about my wifes condition (in terms of generalized labels).

But instead I focus on particular incidents. 

Its ok to have feelings (even out of control feelings) and be upset, sad, whatever.

Its not ok to lash out at other simply because of ones own emotional overload (true for everyone)

Abuse is not ok.

At the same time, sometimes parents just arent consistent and fair and level headed, thats true for all of us.

Make sure the kids know they are still loved.  Tell them every day.  Tell them their mother loves them also as does all their other friends/family.

By using the examples and talking about them, it will help your son learn how to manage his own emotions.  Its emotional management skills, if he can develop them now it will serve him well for the rest of his life. 

Every incident is different (my experience).  Do the best you can. 

[hopesky]

Thanks all for the helpful reply's... .  seems to be a common theme to focus on innapropriate behavior and not deny what another is feeling ... .  especially a BPD!

I know the right thing to do is acknowledge the feeling and validate it- but sometimes this feels a bit crazy when I'm validating that my breathing, posture, eye contact... .  etc is causing my BPD wife such strong negative feelings

Going to hang in there and model the best behavior I can for my kids!

[yeeter]

when I'm validating that my breathing, posture, eye contact... .  etc is causing my BPD wife such strong negative feelings

!

I tend not to think of it this way.  You aren't CAUSING it.  She has the feelings yes.  She may even feel you are causing them.  But your not.  And the CAUSE isn't the focal point (interpretation of cause is a losing proposition because there is no rational cause).

So pretend that the cause can down through a laser beam from outer space.  Then validate her feelings... .  

[byasliver]

pretend that the cause can down through a laser beam from outer space.  Then validate her feelings... .  

I'm laughing, yeeter, but only because I can relate! And I've tried to explain the situation to my kids in a similar way: that basically, uBPDh is "struggling emotionally and mentally and sometimes just needs to be left alone".

[lizzie458]

You aren't CAUSING it.  She has the feelings yes.  She may even feel you are causing them.  But your not.  And the CAUSE isn't the focal point (interpretation of cause is a losing proposition because there is no rational cause).

So pretend that the cause can down through a laser beam from outer space.

OMG well said, and had me  !  I can't think of it as though my actions cause H's emotions because... .  well it just goes nowhere positive from there.