choosing myself and not her...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

today is mothers day-- my BPD mother ( I dont put U or D, because she has been diagnosed but does not agree with, or admit the disorder... . she changes doctors each time-- so I never know what to put for that) has been in a "fight" with my oldest brother. I have been on her *#& list for the past year, but now that she has a new target, she has been calling/txting me nonstop. This is hurtful for a number of reasons, but mainly because I feel how insincere it is. The only reason she is trying to involve herself in my life is to divide my family, and also ensure she has an ally on her side.

I have decided im not going to do it. In the past, I would be happy to have my mothers attention. If she is happy with me, then she shows interest in my life, and buys me things, etc. etc. not to mention than my father is happy with me for making my malcontent, sick mother "happy" for the time being. We were supposed to have a family get together today- and because she is angry at my brother for confronting her on her drug abuse (prescription meds, another perk to her doctor hopping), she told him we weren't getting together. Lied and uninvited him. I refuse to engage in that drama and toxic behavior. It is hurtful and mean and I wont take part in it. I was so conflicted all day- wondering if I should just go drop off flowers... .  but i decided I need to take care of me. Is the anxiety, and discomfort worth it? Do I want to go there to be a whipping post and hear nasty comments about my brother?... .  no, the answer is no. so shouldnt it be so simple? then dont go over there. Im not going to, but it still isnt easy and causes me worry for the future. I just try to keep telling myself the angst that she causes me is not worth it, and I need to take care of myself.

It hurts me deeply that my father enables her behavior and does not stand up for his children, but what can I do? As they sit alone at their house and their children and grandchildren are not around- will they realize its them and not us? I doubt it... .  all i can do is continue to learn and develop myself. I will never do this to my children nor my family- and all I can do it take care of myself and my feelings. I believe at this point in my life that means staying away from her, while continuing to build and learn tools to deal with the behavior and still heal myself... .  

[UpwardAndOnward]

today is mothers day-- my BPD mother ( I dont put U or D, because she has been diagnosed but does not agree with, or admit the disorder... . she changes doctors each time-- so I never know what to put for that) has been in a "fight" with my oldest brother. I have been on her *#& list for the past year, but now that she has a new target, she has been calling/txting me nonstop. This is hurtful for a number of reasons, but mainly because I feel how insincere it is. The only reason she is trying to involve herself in my life is to divide my family, and also ensure she has an ally on her side.

I have decided im not going to do it. In the past, I would be happy to have my mothers attention. If she is happy with me, then she shows interest in my life, and buys me things, etc. etc. not to mention than my father is happy with me for making my malcontent, sick mother "happy" for the time being. We were supposed to have a family get together today- and because she is angry at my brother for confronting her on her drug abuse (prescription meds, another perk to her doctor hopping), she told him we weren't getting together. Lied and uninvited him. I refuse to engage in that drama and toxic behavior. It is hurtful and mean and I wont take part in it. I was so conflicted all day- wondering if I should just go drop off flowers... .  but i decided I need to take care of me. Is the anxiety, and discomfort worth it? Do I want to go there to be a whipping post and hear nasty comments about my brother?... .  no, the answer is no. so shouldnt it be so simple? then dont go over there. Im not going to, but it still isnt easy and causes me worry for the future. I just try to keep telling myself the angst that she causes me is not worth it, and I need to take care of myself.

It hurts me deeply that my father enables her behavior and does not stand up for his children, but what can I do? As they sit alone at their house and their children and grandchildren are not around- will they realize its them and not us? I doubt it... .  all i can do is continue to learn and develop myself. I will never do this to my children nor my family- and all I can do it take care of myself and my feelings. I believe at this point in my life that means staying away from her, while continuing to build and learn tools to deal with the behavior and still heal myself... .  

[GeekyGirl]

From what my T has told me (and what I've seen from my uBPDm), someone with BPD can switch up who's "all-good" and who's "all-bad". It sounds like your mother has done that in the last year, and that's probably why she's bombarding you with calls and texts. She wants validation, and she has chosen you to give it to her.

Do I want to go there to be a whipping post and hear nasty comments about my brother?... .  no, the answer is no. so shouldnt it be so simple? then dont go over there. Im not going to, but it still isnt easy and causes me worry for the future. I just try to keep telling myself the angst that she causes me is not worth it, and I need to take care of myself.

You do need to take care of yourself and your children--that's the most important thing. You are taking steps to improve your life, which is great. Is there some middle ground, where you can involve your parents and not be subject to calls and texts 24/7? What kinds of boundaries can you use to protect yourself?

It hurts me deeply that my father enables her behavior and does not stand up for his children, but what can I do? As they sit alone at their house and their children and grandchildren are not around- will they realize its them and not us?

Unfortunately, since your mother disagrees with her diagnosis, it's unlikely that she will realize that she's contributing to what's going on. You're right--the best way to get through this is not to hold out hope that she'll change, but to work on yourself and develop healthy ways to deal with her behavior.