Interesting Event

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My H often switches from being docile, into a rant, rage, anger or somberness, often.  Little things can set him OFF.  I am the exact opposite, where I need to remind myself to let it out and that its ok to be upset for more than 5 minutes.

Yesterday, something very valuable to him from his father was destroyed by a carpenter working on our home (by accident), it is very expensive and one of a kind.  I heard it all unfold and he first approached the worker upset and in disbelief, he then left the room, let me handle the situation, and he took a walk for 2 hours, when he returned, he was mildly, MILDLY upset.  Thanked me for handling the situation for him and said he would see if there was anyway he could salvage part of the music box.

He did not go into a rant, rage, show anger or somberness, he simply was a bit disappointed and has seemed to let it go.  I have not seen that kind of reaction in over three years and I didn't provoke or encourage anything so this was all him.

I'm quite surprised, and even more surprised that I feel he may already be over it.  I'm not going to look into it anymore than what it is, a proper response to an unfortunate event and a big surprise.

Just wanted to share something that is a different kind of unpredictable one I didnt think still existed, I feel he is constantly in turmoil and for once something didn't trigger him that any other day would have.   

[whereisthezen]

My H often switches from being docile, into a rant, rage, anger or somberness, often.  Little things can set him OFF.  I am the exact opposite, where I need to remind myself to let it out and that its ok to be upset for more than 5 minutes.

Yesterday, something very valuable to him from his father was destroyed by a carpenter working on our home (by accident), it is very expensive and one of a kind.  I heard it all unfold and he first approached the worker upset and in disbelief, he then left the room, let me handle the situation, and he took a walk for 2 hours, when he returned, he was mildly, MILDLY upset.  Thanked me for handling the situation for him and said he would see if there was anyway he could salvage part of the music box.

He did not go into a rant, rage, show anger or somberness, he simply was a bit disappointed and has seemed to let it go.  I have not seen that kind of reaction in over three years and I didn't provoke or encourage anything so this was all him.

I'm quite surprised, and even more surprised that I feel he may already be over it.  I'm not going to look into it anymore than what it is, a proper response to an unfortunate event and a big surprise.

Just wanted to share something that is a different kind of unpredictable one I didnt think still existed, I feel he is constantly in turmoil and for once something didn't trigger him that any other day would have.   

[tuum est61]

My w is triggered by small or even imagined misdoings by me but major problems created by others she handles with ease.  

A pwBPD is mostly triggered by people who are closer to them, don't you think? Isn't he generally a fairly good boy in public?

He doesn't have an intimate relationship with the carpenter, does he? (we hope not ).  

[whereisthezen]

 

Great post thank you Tuum!

I've seen him get upset with workers at the house before, so it was just a fluke I guess.

I would say though you are correct and I see that because we are closely connected, the relationship is vulnerable ( intimacy, responsibility, consistency makes his emotions and behaviors rocket into self harm, distress and old addictions.

I try not to take it personally 

Seeing it for what it is is easier than the tornado of mixed behaviors, signals, words/wishes before that was so unclear to me.

[House of Mirrors]

"Seeing it for what it is is easier than the tornado of mixed behaviors, signals, words/wishes before that was so unclear to me".

That so reflects my relief at finally working out why my SO is soo difficult. It isn't just about being a 'difficult person' anymore, I now see the full picture and pattern of his behaviour and reasoning. This at least puts us in a stronger position than we were before when up against a shadow boxer! I also feel relieved... .  

In the OP's case I agree that his behaviour was probably somewhat dulled by the fact a 3rd party had broken it and not you BUT he could have turned and raged on you after the carpenter left... .  so that in itself is a positive that he didn't do that I guess. That displaced anger is something I have seen in my SO so many times... .  me the target as always. I used to just think he was misguided and I was somewhat of a safe target... .  


As for small things - at the weekend for the first time I can ever remember he actually ADMITTED he had made a mistake (albeit with something small and minor). I gave positive reinforemcent to that! 

[whereisthezen]

House of Mirrors that is excellent!

Small steps become big steps eventually or at least regular steps in the right direction, so certainly give praise to him for acting in a healthy manner.

No real fall out from the event to make it delayed reaction... .  So I am please even if it was a "one hit wonder".

We did have a slight argument for a moment over a miscommunication after than incident. I acted with emotion rather than wide mind and thankfully got it back on track in a healthy way. If I didn't it would be doom so I'm glad I readdressed the issue correctly rather than getting upset at his comments which are usually exaggerated and were that day. One of the moods he has is exaggeration of things which I usually get offended by putting more into it than it is but now I know it's better to talk to someone with BPD in their terms not our and usually better conversation comes from that than being "right" or "normal". Hope that makes some sense! 

[House of Mirrors]

Thanks Whereisthezen,

I bet you are hoping he goes from a 'one hit wonder' to a 'greatest hits' artis 

I think it made sense. A lot of all this new way of thinking doesn't! 

I think it takes time, experimentation and implementation but I may be wrong.

Still, where we see improvement, we must praise. Shame it makes me feel like I am parenting someone rather than having a relationship with them at that time 

Keep at it!

HoM

[whereisthezen]

HoM,

"Shame it makes me feel like I am parenting someone rather than having a relationship with them at that time".

We wear many "hats", don't we?

[House of Mirrors]

Hi

*Big Sigh* yeeeeeeeeeeees!

But when a codependent wants to change their patterns from Parent / Child to Adult / Adult, BPD raises all sorts of obstacles to that. Still, it doesn't stop me from trying to be the adult and not the parent... .

These things are sent to try us.

HoM

[whereisthezen]

HoM,

Understand completely. Lately I've been seeing a lot of childlike behavior and when any responsibility arises, other than financial, say time, planning, or care, the dreaded overcast of depression or doom surfaces. Since I am recovering codependent, I've learned to not say a thing. That is hard, especially wanting to plan, take control, get things done. But it places the responsibility back on him which works- I certainly don't need more hats and if I do get one I hope it's a big beautiful tan or blue hat with a wide brim for the beach!

Here's to us! Here's to taking on a little less and seeing what unfolds

[House of Mirrors]

Whereisthezen,

Not sure I have tried silence. Sometimes I try and almost coaching technique of asking questions that make him have to come up with solutions himself rather than solve the problem for him or just fix/organise. I wonder sometimes if they need to go through the thought processes themselves rather than just expect us to supply and answer / fix a problem.

They only seem to act helplessly in regard to a SO, at work for exapmple they will take charge, plan, tell others what to do etc. At home, it is like they are helpless little boys sometimes or they don't want to have to do all that stuff - they want us to do it as well as all the other things we have to do (full time jobs, child/pet care, household finances, housework, cooking etc.)

HoM

[whereisthezen]

I get that too along with great procrastination or laziness, the flip side is anger or not talking. Funny that high functioning bods can hyper focus on careers or social situations and not what I think is most important, self reflection, understanding and human relations. There is a pattern to my H, just as I begin to see it, I switched to focusing on me because I think I need the most guidance now .

HoM it sounds very similar!