sudden guilt?

[Depression = 72% of members]

i have been doing fantastic on my 120+ days NC.

i am not desiring contact or feeling weak in this sense... .

it's more like... . i feel guilt. looking back, i did so many things to enable my exBPDbf and i can only imagine what he tells his friends. i am in no way a bad person at all. i must feel bad about things he told me to feel bad about.

when we broke up, it was over the phone and I was crying only to find out i was on speaker phone and all of his friends were laughing at me in the car. he must have said something to suddenly make them view me as some kind of clown )x

i stay very busy... . i am young and do not have money for a therapist as all of my money goes towards my apartment.

why is my healing backtracking all of a sudden? its partially my mindset... .

can someone who's trudged through the guilt give me some pointers?

what are the best things to think about when this arises? i don't know.

[confetti]

i have been doing fantastic on my 120+ days NC.

i am not desiring contact or feeling weak in this sense... .

it's more like... . i feel guilt. looking back, i did so many things to enable my exBPDbf and i can only imagine what he tells his friends. i am in no way a bad person at all. i must feel bad about things he told me to feel bad about.

when we broke up, it was over the phone and I was crying only to find out i was on speaker phone and all of his friends were laughing at me in the car. he must have said something to suddenly make them view me as some kind of clown )x

i stay very busy... . i am young and do not have money for a therapist as all of my money goes towards my apartment.

why is my healing backtracking all of a sudden? its partially my mindset... .

can someone who's trudged through the guilt give me some pointers?

what are the best things to think about when this arises? i don't know.

[jrx]

Hi confetti,

My situation isn't exactly the same, but I understand guilt. There was one day I woke up and realized that I partially "did this to myself". Enablement, just like you're saying.

My exBPDgf would twist small mistakes and quirks into genocide and gigantic character flaws so consistently that I started believing them after a while too. And she would paint me blacker and blacker each time.

I feel for you about having a group of people laughing at you, and one of them using the group to bully you. That's a really horrible thing for him to do, and that's more of a reflection on that group than on you.

It's great that you stay very busy. When I let myself ruminate, my situation began to spiral downward. Having your own group may be something that helps --- even random strangers I met once at Meetup groups understood when my ex called me and said she'd destroy all of my belongings if I didn't come home. I had forgotten that, for the most part, people in the world are decent.

I can't tell you the best thing to think about. I bet that varies. But if I may present something, many counties offer free mental health counseling.